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female
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*rokenhearted
writes: Myself and my boyfriend of almost 3 years recently broke up. We're best friends, are very attracted to each other and I love him like crazy. He says he doesn't know how he feels anymore but that it doesn't matter as we'll never work out. I suspect he still loves me. We were doing well up until 2 months ago and everything just seemed to happen at the wrong time for us, now I don't think he'll give us a second chance even though I really think it'll work out this time. What should I do? How can I persuade him to give us another go? He's very stubborn and once his mind is made up there's usually no going back.
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female
reader, Gringo6305  +, writes (1 May 2007):
I was with my ex the first time for 3 years. We broke up and he told me he wanted to try again and I said no. A month later I changed my mind and wanted him back. By that time it was too late he had started dating someone new. We were apart for 5 years and got back together. We got pregnant and then engaged. After 6 months I gave him his ring back and we decided to try therapy. When our child was 6 months old I decided to ask him to leave, because the fighting was so intense in front of our child and he was addicted to the internet. He was unhappy and felt that I bossed him around. He kept telling me " why don't you tell me to leave" so I did one day. I was very regretful and sorry after about 6 months of living alone. It has been a year and a half now and I am finding the pressures of being a single parent overwhelming. He is involved in his daughters life. She wants us both now and it is becoming difficult when she comes home from her Dads and ask for him ( vice versa for him ) I want my daughter to have her family. I feel that I want us to try again. We have said many mean things to each other and our families. I still care bout him and I feel that I can adjust my attitude accordingly to make the relationship work. I have told him that I have regret and can we try one more time. He says no, he can forgive but he will never forget, My family thinks I am crazy. They tell me to find someone new. The though of having someone else on my daughter's life other than her father is weird to me. Plus, I certainly do not have the time. He keeps telling me he will think about it and never gives me an answer. I guess silence can be profound and I should take the hint. I am so confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): I am going through exactly the same thing. The only difference is that circumstances have forced us to live together until am able to move out. Am doing that this weekend. I have done the whole give him a chance thing and am done with that. He has clearly made up his mind. He is the only one who knows what he wants. If he has not told you that he wants to work things out, then he doesn't. Its tough I know - been with mine for three years. Give yourself time away from him, thats what I plan to do. Give him sixty days of no contact, then move on.
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reader, marie +, writes (23 October 2005):
Hi hun,
im sorry to say that i have been in the same situation as you and i unfortunately done all the chasing, everything would be great for a week, then he would be too busy etc etc etc and this went on and off for 4 months. He would never explain his actions and would also say "you know i love you, but you know i need ... and ...".
Suddenly, and thankfully, it dawned on me that I don't need the pain and hurt he was giving me and that my love was better off given to a better man. Unfortunately i feel you are in the same situation. You deserve a man to sweep you off your feet, not give excuses and upset. Its scary being on your own, but its even scarier thinking you have wasted love on someone not worth it.
Good luck and be strong. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2005): I am in exactly the same position as you, my partner and I have been together for 4 years. 2 months ago things started to go wrong. To be honest I can't really tell you what to do cause if I knew that I would do it too, however something I can advise you is think long and hard before pushing him for a decision, try not to give ultimatums as they can backfire if he feels too pressured. I did that and it was almost all over without a chance. Now I have been to the library and withdrawn a whole lot of books about making up, working it out etc and asked him to read them before he makes a final decision... I have not pushed him again and I am giving him space. It seems to be working and he has told me that the books are actually helping him piece things together in his head and feel better about why things have started to go wrong and how to get through this. He is realising that all couples go through this period at around the 3-4 year mark but if you choose to you can work through it. However at the end of the day he has to want to work it out.
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female
reader, troubled soul +, writes (19 October 2005):
Your situation is the same as mine, but i split up with my bf of 3 years and he wants to get back with me, i do want him i think about him all the time but theres just something holding me back. its horrible if he is like me then he needs to sit down and think about it seriously, my bf told me he wasnt going to wait and that kind of got me moving a bit. Maybe if you tell hhim you wont wait around and that you want him but if he doesnt then you willhave to move on then perhaps he will start to realise what he will lose.
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female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (19 October 2005):
He's made his mind up, he doesn't want a relationship with you. I think you should move on. Consider it his loss, find someone else! Good luck!
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female
reader, brokenhearted +, writes (19 October 2005):
We still call eachother constantly, 3 times today so far and we still know everything thats going on in each others lives.
Should i try and stop ringing him as much and really give him space to see if I'm not there will he miss me or should I continue as I am and be his best friend????
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2005): Dear broken hearted,
I do feel your pain as the same thing has happened to me. At the time, I choose not to see how I could ever recover. However, try not letting your emotions cloud your perspective. Why do you feel you have to settle for someone that is not head over heels for you? I'm not doubting your love for him, but it could be that you are doubting that you will find love elsewhere.
What if I told you that outside your front door, is a man waiting for you to notice him. He sees you for all you are, and is waiting to give you all the love and support you need, and then some. He's still waiting.
How do you feel now?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (19 October 2005):
 Unfortunately, giving him time and space may well be the hardest thing for you to do but the best thing overall.
Perhaps the outside pressures that you hinted of may well have swayed him into thinking your relationship will not survive but you shouldn't have to try and persuade him, or pressurise him into giving it another chance. He needs to find out for himself if this is what he wishes to do.
He could well be making the biggest mistake of his life. His own stubborness could be his downfall but all you can do is what you have probably already done; given him all the positive reasons as to why your relationship is worth a second go.
Give him space and try to get on with your own life. I know this hurts but you may have to just learn from the experience. It just goes to show how we are unable to control someone else. He needs to find out for himself what he really wants.
I wish you luck.
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female
reader, Chopsticks  +, writes (19 October 2005):
I completely understand where you're coming from. My ex boyfriend broke up with me after 3 and a half years together saying that he wasn't happy but he was unsure why...I was distraught because I loved him so much tried to get him back but nothing seemed to work until I gave up. After 2-3 weeks he came grovelling back and I stupidly took him back but it was always in the back of my mind as I when we broke up before it had litterally come out of the blue. If he could hide his emotions so well once he could do it again. Eactly a year on he broke up with me again..... I had given up by this point. I felt tired from worrying whether he was going to leave me again and keeping him happy. It was much easier not to be with him anymore.
What will be will be but all I can say is be careful he doesn't take get back together with you only to break up with you again.... It is a horrible experience to go through and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! Good luck!
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female
reader, brokenhearted +, writes (19 October 2005):
I suppose I should just let him be but the thing is he still rings me constantly and we talk like normal on the phone except without the whole we/us thing going on!
I'm possitive it'll work but he just won't think about it as I've made him so angry/sad for the last 2months and he couldn't handle that again!
Its just so hard when you know someone still loves you and is breaking up with you for completely rhe wrong reasons!!
But he does need to want us to work too! Deep down I say he does its just the thought of being hurt and hurting me again that scares him. Any more advice??
Could do with it!
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female
reader, brokenhearted +, writes (19 October 2005):
I understand what your saying, I do know he loves me very much, its just that over the past few months between one thing and anotrher everything went crazy. He needed time to do his things and I needed him so we kinda both let eachother down.
Hes very busy with work and I never get to see him so I get kinda upset with that. But hen we see eachother its great!
Its all a bit crazy. I do know he loves me, I do knows he'd do anything for me and I do know he's very attracted to me but the way he sees it is that if the past two months happened again in a few years time.....he says that its better to end it now than in a few years time when we're married with kids
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male
reader, LucidCupid +, writes (19 October 2005):
I empathise with you,but a relationship takes a combined effort to survive.If he has made up his mind that it's over then there's little that you can do.I understand that after three years together you don't want to let him go,but if he's shutting off from his feelings and being negative towards you then maybe it's best to let him have some 'time-out' to sort out what he really wants and how he really feels.You 'suspect' he still loves you,you don't 'think' he'll give your relationship a second chance.Obviously there's not alot of communication going on here.You're on the outside looking in,and for a couple that's been together for 3 years that's not a good sign.There must be more going on here than what you've told us.But at the end of the day`you shouldn't have to 'persuade' him to give your relationship another go,he needs to WANT to.
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