A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I really wasn't sure how I was going to write this but I know this was a mistake that I wish I thought more about.I met a man from the Philippines online through a game we played together, we chatted on and off throughout the game and we became closer to the point we had feelings for each other. In the game it was popular to have an "online boy/girlfriend" so we did that, mainly so I didnt feel left out. After we both decided to quit the game, I thought we ended things there but he wanted to continue it outside of the game. My wiser self told me (and still does to this day) that online relationships, especially people you haven't met in person are not real ones until you experience their presence. And I really liked him and he really liked me, so we decided to continue outside the game, which is where I made my big mistake.Afew months ago, I got annoyed because I was chatting to other people on another game we play together and he kept calling me by our pet names in front of them, and I didn't like it, so I thought it was a good time to bring up my concerns. I explained to him that my perspective on what we are isn't real for me, until we meet face to face and he got very upset and hurt. He keeps telling me he understands this but continues to call me pet names anyway, which makes me think he REALLY doesn't get it.Yesterday I had another argument with him and told him we both lack depth, emotional connection and trust, I tried sending him an article about building it because I felt like I was the only one attempting, but he asked me to point out the parts I thought he needed instead of reading it all which made me even angrier. I offered him yesterday to either go back as friends or remain working on what we have until I completely resent him and cannot salvage anything. He didn't seem to care about being friends, he just wanted to be in a relationship with me.To be perfectly honest, I want to go back as friends, but is does not want to because of the embarrassment he feels. So I feel like I have to be in this relationship with him in order to have his company. I don't have many people to support me, he has been the only one, and the only one who talks to me daily. I have 1 close friend who I see monthly because we are both working towards careers.Throughout the whole thing I have been seeing this has just something casual, whereas he has seen it as something serious, moreso going out of his way to make sure he will live in my country even though I have told him to just wait until we meet to decide if we really do like each other but he is not listening.I keep telling him I think its best to be friends until we meet, he just tells me "we both need to calm down and continue the conversation tomorrow" and when tomorrow comes he is very casual about the whole thing like it is not a big deal!I failed to establish boundaries, and I failed to find out what I want. I really do enjoy his company and don't want to see him go, and remain as friends, but he wants the relationship. From what he has told me being with someone gives him a reason to get out of his current circumstances, and I keep telling him to do things that make him happy.I'm honestly getting tired of everything, I dont want to lose him as a friend but he does not want to lose me as a partner. I feel like he just doesn't get me, there is not much depth in our conversations which I thrive off. How can I negotiate friendship with him, or atleast ease the rejection? Thank you aunts for dedicating your time to reading all these long posts and far crys from somewhere in the world! I always come here if I need tough love or some REAL advice from people who has more wisdom than me. Thank you again! :) Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2022): I read the post from the anonymous female reader, and I was very taken and impressed. That post had a lot of insight, depth, and wisdom. Honeypie is one of my all-time favorites, she's a given!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2022): A young-woman after my own heart! Your parents should be proud!
As for a resting b*tch-face; try to run pleasant thoughts through your mind throughout the day. Think of funny things that make you smile to yourself. I've caught myself frowning too; because I tend to keep work, or workout problems in my mind all the time! Make positive-affirmations to yourself, this relaxes the muscles in your face.
You should also have your eyes checked; sometimes people don't realize they have eye-strain, and appear to have a "scowl" or "furrowed brow;" they're sometimes mistaken for an angry miserable person. People will read our facial-expressions before approaching you. Just FYI!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 March 2022):
 Best of luck, OP!
And know this, from reading your original post it was clear that you actually understood what was going on, but you didn't see it clearly because you were (are) too close to it.
So your instincts are spot on!
I'm not saying you can't game anymore or get online, just try and get a mix of "real life" into your daily routine, do things that make you excited and happy. Even just reading a book from cover to cover.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Aunts and Uncles!I absolutely loved all the feedback from everyone and wasn't expecting such a fast response, I reread everything at least 3 times to full absorb the advice given and it is greatly appreciated!In the most part, I realise now he has been trying to wear me down whenever the topic of "breaking up" or going back to friends is bought up. He spoke to me yesterday but didn't mention about the topic of going back to friends, but told me he was very low mood and depressed, said it would take a few days apart to get himself together again, but still continue to call me pet names. Though have no fear! I held myself up and had said whenever he is ready to talk about our previous topic, to let me know. I had offered support if he needed it. But this kind of scenario has happened in the past, and would be low mood until I gave into what he wanted (from my perspective). I am too kind-hearted and hate seeing people sad, but I will make sure I get to the end conclusion this time.I feel like a lot of my former intentions were blurred out in the process of him wanting what he wanted to begin with, my own agenda and boundaries changed because I enjoyed his company so much and wanted him around. Now it is my own task to re-establish these boundaries again with him, I have already let him decide on what he wants. At this point it does not matter to me much, I stayed through this to learn a lot of valuable life lessons, and gain more wisdom from it! I know what I want from a relationship, and it is definitely not long distance. He might not want to be friends or keep in contact after this but will have more room for other people.In the end, I felt very manipulated, a lot of red flags I ignored after reflecting back as I am writing this. Such as he does not want me to be swayed by other peoples opinions of what we had, and keeping me up late at night to talk, even though he was very late because he napped too long. As @WiseOwlE said, everything according to his agenda! I know myself, a free spirit who is curious about most things, goofy, happy and seeking knowledge always! I felt very trapped, and this was online, I could not imagine in person! This was a blessing in disguise!Unfortunately, I am bad at making friends in person, or should I say it is hard for me to make friends with my level of maturity, I am 25 and most people my age are still going clubbing, drinking or settled into motherhood - both of these I am at opposite spectrum. Additionally, I also have a resting b*tch face - still working on it! I count myself lucky to have 1 core friend who we are both similar and can easily pick up where we left off despite the amount of time away. @Honeypie - My covid lifestyle has continued into POST COVID! I will work on regaining my old hobbies again to get me offline, though my poor introverted battery will suffer! I will continue forward!Thank you again for reading my question and perhaps my answer!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): I am surprised how seriously people take a "relationship" with someone they've never met!
In my day people used to waste a lot of time pining after holiday romances.
They may have spent days together and even got a bit physical but unless they stayed in the locality things rarely lasted.
Even long-standing relationships fell to pieces when one person had to move to a different locality too far to be readily accessible.
I realise people switch on their feelings for a screen person but surely real life must get in the way?
I think a screen relationship is a form of avoidance.
It's a way of putting someone in your pocket until a rainy day when you can pull them out to play again!
But I fail to see how it can be classed as a 'real' relationship.
If only countries played harmless computer games instead of making live war.
It would be so peaceful!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 March 2022):
 Sadly you two have completely different agendas for your relationship and I doubt there is any way you can reach a compromise. The fact that he doesn't listen to you and insists on seeing things HIS way, and his way ONLY, would ring alarm bells with me. Really loud alarm bells.
Imagine if he does come to your country and you decide you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him. How difficult will it be to shake him off at that point, as he will probably continue to insist on having things his own way?
In your shoes I would call it a day and cut connections now. I just hope he doesn't know how to find you (in real life).
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2022): I read your post from start to finish, and I must say you have wisdom and maturity beyond your years. Most people your age might not see things from such an in-depth stand-point; and those twice and three times your age often won't set and reinforce their boundaries.
We can, and should, compromise where it is feasible and sensible; but we should never just acquiesce in submission under pressure, in order to please people to the degree that they erase those very boundaries we need to set. You must maintain your independence, and have a sense of individuality. It is not your purpose to bend whichever way the wind blows. You have a backbone. You have principles.
People will be stubborn and willful, and they will persist in an effort to wear you down; to force you to be what they want you to be, or do what they want you to do. Even if it isn't right, or it goes against your rights, morals, and standards.
We can't feel self-aware and confident, when we live our lives yielding to the will of others; constantly seeking their approval and validation. Which they will surely take back, or raise the bar; the minute they see they can control or manipulate us.
Your former-friend is willful, and totally dismissed your appeal to keep things friendly. You went almost completely out of your way to explain to him what you mean, and what your true feelings are in the situation. Trust no human being who can't take "no" for an answer. You can't always say "yes!"
Consider this as sort of a preview of what a real relationship with him might be like. Everything is fine as long as you see things his way; and he gets to set the guidelines, and write all the rules.
Only in a marriage are two people one; but even then, each partner gets to step-back and set the other straight when they go off-track or reel off-course. It has to be to the benefit of the union; it can't be only for the benefit of one. It can't be good for one and bad for the other. You offered to see how things go, once you truly knew who he is as a person; that could only be, once you've met him. Even then, you'd have to spend some considerable time together to grow to know one-another, and develop a sense of trust between you. How is that possible when you are oceans apart, and have never met in-person?
You are merely virtual pen-pals and game-mates. Although there are some who would argue a romance can be conducted between people who've never met. You'll never convince me!!! As hard as it is to get people to show their true-selves; even when we've always known each-other in-person. Some have an Oscar-winning ability to maintain a fake-face and façade that they can keep-up for years! Until they are outed by the truth. The truth can't be concealed indefinitely. God designed truth to out itself. No matter how hard we try to bury it, hide it, or cover it up with lies! The longer you hide it, the more powerful it becomes when it hits the surface! It will, come to light! Always!
You didn't mention his age, but I can assess that you are at a different maturity-level. You must also take into account cultural-differences; because in male-dominant or patriarchal societies, women don't call the shots. They are to be demure and obedient. They are to be submissive, and lead by their man. In all fairness, we have to always give the other side benefit of the doubt. He was educated and conditioned by his culture; and you are educated and conditioned by yours.
He has been too resistant to your efforts to keep it a friendship, and not a romance. Romance is how he'd rather define the connection; and all evidence indicates that he will not compromise, no matter how hard you try. When you corrected him, he ignored you! The fear of loneliness sometimes will make us give-in to someone's infatuation, just to keep them around. That's deceptive, and a form of manipulation that goes back and forth. He is fighting loneliness as well; but pretense is not a way to cure it.
He will remain stubborn about it. He is also counting on your emotions to overcome you; because he is banking on the probability that you will gravely miss him. So much, that you will give-in to his wishes in order to keep him around. You'll come crawling back, and give him what he wants. Even if it isn't real, and it isn't what you want.
You are in your early 20's. Life offers you nearly another 60+ years of living; to meet people, make friends, and to find love. It will happen many times over. Some will stay, but for only a season, and move on. Some may stick around for a lifetime; and yet, they still may leave you. By death, or by choice.
You are very young, and your mature attitude reflects an awesome upbringing, and the evidence of strong female role-models; who have taught you how to see the whole picture, not just leave everything up to your feelings, but let your mind and heart work in-sync. To be true to yourself and to others. Please stay that way!
You've tried convincing him; but he refuses to let it only be friendship. You have to honor his wishes to move on; and allow him to find someone who is more willing to have a romance. You are not the one, and you know better than to bet everything on someone you've never met. Knowing he is only a persona you've met on the internet; not a person you've spent time with to truly evaluate and discern his personality in real-life.
We can hide behind the internet (or an avatar) to present only what we want people to see about us; but once you've met the person, you may discover an entirely different human being altogether. Even some people knowing someone all their lives, wake-up next to somebody they no longer recognize! They may have always been in denial, or might have created an idea of that person; avoiding any confrontation of the reality of who they really are. Overlooking their worst faults, just to be with them. You can't do that forever. Willful ignorance is the definition of stupidity.
There of billions of people populating this planet. Like treasure and precious jewels, true-love and real-friends are meant to be rare. If you lose one, you have to maintain the faith you will find another. If you don't adopt this reality in life; people will use and abuse you, and you will forever be chasing their approval and bending to their will. You will begin to realize that "who you are" will start to fade; and you will slowly become invisible.
If you read DC a lot, many women have learned this the hard-way; but it appears you're strong enough to see the reality of the situation, even as young as you are. Even more experienced people try to be people-pleasers; and will play pretend, because they want people to like them. They fear abandonment, or loneliness. If you found him, why couldn't you find somebody else when he's gone? Develop the strength to let-go, don't hold-on when people refuse to acknowledge your rights, or are dismissive of your feelings.
But if you always give-in...it's at what cost, sweetheart? I mean that as a term of endearment, not a flirtation! I'm older than you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2022): You don't owe him anything and you can blank him anytime you like.You can literally send him a goodbye note and move on.He can't force you into a relationship.He could try to coerce you but why would you even bother to meet.I'm cynical about this game friendship that's suddenly turned into a lifelong partnership ( he hopes) or he pretends to hope because that way he has emotional leverage over you.I think the whole thing will come down to money.He will demand a ticket or desperately need an operation etc.He probably has two or three such contacts!You could just be brave and tell him you've met someone or your former partner has returned or your long lost sister wants you to move in with her miles away!And that's it.Remember: you owe him nothing.It makes me feel that he has sensed some vulnerability in you that he will play on.You don't even have to justify yourself.You've never even met him so it's time to stop communicating or being in the same game circle.And then don't answer his pressure talk.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 March 2022):
 Long distance friendship/romances are very easy to strike up but can be very difficult to maintain. You are very wise to not want to consider it serious until you have met, spent time Together and truly get to know each other. It is so easy to get caught up In the newness the excitement. On the internet though you see and get to know what the person allows you to see. You dont see them sick, or in a bad mood or how they react with others. Its easy to look perfect because you come on and talk or share how much and what you want to share. You only know what the other allows you to know. In real life it could turn out hat person is nothing like what you think. Your friend is caught up in the sort of fantasy that he has built up in his mind. You are in reality.
I mean this with no disrespect. I have been in several long distance relationships in my life so I get it...from all angles. My husband and I were in a LDR for 2 years before we met. We were lucky that it all clicked and each of us truly was as the other thought and it was love at first sight. But..I had also internet dated some guys who I thought were awesome and when we actually met it was such a disappointment! One man I thought was so funny and good looking and I thought I was madly in love with but in real life he was mean, sarcastic and a jerk. The only thing he still had was good looks.
I dont think you can go back sadly. If he does not want to listen to you or slow down there isnt much you can do to change his mind. I will also tell you that going too long without meeting can cause boredom and frustration and as you are feeling it can also make you just tired of the whole situation. Truth be told at your age you may never meet each other and in a sense may be wasting each others time.
I understand the closeness that you feel and that you have confided in each other. Of course you dont want to lose him altogether but...it might be very wise of you to find real life friends if at all possible. Its hard with covid, I get it. Are there any clubs or hobbies you have where people meet? any social groups in your town in your age group? Or maybe find someone who at least lives in the same country?
Long distance relationships can work but they take alot of time patience and trust. They are hard. My husband is from Japan and lived in boston while I lved in Florida. Once we met we seen each other every 6 weeks. We were committed and knew we wanted only each other. we also were older and had the money. It could be so hard for you two and you know it. He doesnt want to deal with that and he needs to. He may force you to walk away.
If he wont listen to you then you will have to tell him that you will not be able to be anything but friends and if he cant accept that then you will be forced to end the relationship. I hope it doesnt end that way. Good luck sweetie.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2022): Why do you keep saying he wants the relationship and talking as if he can call all of the shots?! He wants to lead up to either asking you for money and gifts etc or sex chats etc.He never wanted it to be just friends because to him that is a waste of time, he wants payment for his "friendship" either goods, money or sex. Simple. How come you cannot see that???All this stuff about he does not want to lose me a a partner.You have never met! He is far too manipulative and controlling to be a partner, and a partner who lives too far away to meet easily is a waste of time as a serious partner anyway. Or were you anticipating a partner you only meet once every five years and never get to marry or live withAnd I bet he would expect you to do the travelling and paying the expenses too.I get that you are lonely and do not get much company or support but you cannot change what he wants and who he is just to fill an empty space. The best you will get from him is pretending it's ok to be friends but still thinking of you the other way and gradually working towards what he wants.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2022):
Hi OP,
I think in this case you need to accept that you can't go "back" to just be friends. You might WANT that. HE doesn't.
I think that has to do with the fact that YOU have accepted reality. That you two in fact CAN NOT really have a relationship over tech. You can, however, have a friendship.
He doesn't want reality, HE wants the fantasy. HE wants the "benefits" of having a GF, even if it isn't REALLY real and just online.
So you two are very much at odds when it comes to HOW you think, HOW you feel, and WHAT you want.
"How can I negotiate friendship with him, or at least ease the rejection?"
You can't, on either.
THAT is reality. He wants you to be someone YOU are not and you don't WANT to be.
YOU want him to be someone he is NOT and doesn't want to be.
See?
You two are not compatible. As friends OR more.
As far as the rejection, well either be very firm and end it and CUT all contact. OR, be less and less available if he doesn't seem to understand that you can't keep this fantasy going. You CAN NOT control how he feels no more than I can control the weather. (unfortunately, on my end.)
You, not having many other friends doesn't mean you have to cling to someone who is not REALLY your friend either.
It is VERY easy to get caught up in something seemingly romantic online, because people want you to like them, so they are social, nice, supportive, sweet, generous, etc. It FEELS real but it is a fantasy. Reality is often quite different.
Maybe it's time to consider making some "real" friends" off the Internet and off the games. Same with romantic interests.
I know lockdown has been hard for everyone to keep being social, but perhaps you need to consider another hobby that takes you offline and outside?
...............................
|
