A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve know this guy for 11 years now. He’s my father’s childhood friend’s son. My father and his mother were very keen on getting us married but I hadn’t even met him as we lived in different states altogether. So without meeting him I denied their marriage proposal. A few months later he and his mom were in my city for some work so my parents invited them over to stay at our house. When I met this guy and his mother I was instantly in love with him. We both bonded beyond imagination and our attraction towards each other was palpable. I instantly regretted having rejected his proposal and hoped they’d ask again, however, assuming that I’m not interested they didn’t. I waited on for it to happen like a fool for years that we both talked to each other but it never came and he got married to another woman who he later on discovered was in love with another man. I got married to a good friend of mine later too but the spark that I had with this guy was never found in my marriage. Very early on our marriage, he texted me saying that he really liked me and wished we both could’ve been together. That’s when I told him that I wanted it so bad myself and I waited for years for him to ask me again but he didn’t. It hurts so much even now to think how life could’ve been had we been together. Now, comes the problem here- it’s been all these years and I’m still not over him. We both live in different countries. Him and his wife are practically just sharing the roof like roommates, there’s not even basic friendship between the two. My marriage too is emotionally barren. We both are very good friends but it’s never been like husband and wife. We’ve had no sexual relationship since almost the beginning of our marriage. We both have unhappy marriages. But, I’m willing to get divorced and start fresh with the man I’ve loved for all these years. When it comes to him, he still claims his feelings for me but isn’t keen on divorce and the drama that ensues. To me, this gets hurtful cos our families are always connected and I’ve gone without talking to him for a whole last year since it angers me to be talking to him secretly all the time. I don’t want to be the other woman when there’s no need to. We both have fair reasons to divorce our partners so I don’t see why I must act like I’m doing anything wrong finding love. Ive told him several times that I’ll stop taking to him but he hates that too. What’s worse is that he tells me he’s learnt to live with his marriage and has accepted his doom. Whereas, I’m still hopeful. I don’t know what to do. If I stop talking to him, it hurts us both. But he’s just not budging.I’m stuck. I love him. Pls help me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2022): If he was unhappily married, he would leave his wife. He will not do that EVER. You are hanging onto a fantasy of the past and escaping your current problems. You are not doing yourself or your husband any favors. Please see a therapist and distance yourself from this other man. He is not good for you. He is just stringing you along as a pleasant distraction from his life. He likes the ego boost from you, nothing more. OP he loves his wife, enough to continue staying married to her. Enough to work through any problems they might have. His marriage is more happy for him than unhappy or he would leave. You are delusional and only hurting yourself and your own marriage by having these unrealistic thoughts. He and his wife are probably making love, doing things together and he is telling her he loves her. She has his heart, sorry. You need more self respect and self love. Talk to a therapist today. Wake up and stop living in la la land. Your life is passing you by and you are not enjoying what is in front of you, or could be in front of you while pining away for what will never be. It is sad. Start living your life and stop fantasizing and wasting your life away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): "When I met this guy and his mother I was instantly in love with him."
Come-on now, OP! You're not 16 anymore! You were not "instantly in-love!" Lust maybe, not love! You're mature enough not to be throwing the L-word around so casually, and inappropriately. You don't even really know the guy, you only know of him. If you're that impulsive or blithe; then you shouldn't wonder why you married the wrong-guy in the first-place!
You are in a bad-marriage, and emotionally you may be in a bad-place in your life. Understandably looking for any form of escape you can find, and needing relief. Don't let your imagination and idealism get the better of you, my dear. Shake it off, and get a grip!!!
He may be having some issues at home; but sometimes people come to realize in the back of their minds that what they have may be salvageable. He may even have come to realize, they love each-other in spite of their problems or differences. Even though you're convinced yours might be irreparable. So don't covet thy neighbor's husband!!!
Get your own life in order, agree to a divorce, and go through all the necessary legal motions. Then you'll need to recover emotionally and financially enough to consider dating. Once you've gotten hold of yourself, his sparkle will have dulled to a smudge!
Sorry, girlfriend! You don't get the ease and convenience of just trading-in your old-husband for a moderately used-one; like a low-mileage 10 year-old used-automobile! He may be up for an affair, but not a divorce. He's got a few scratches and dents; but he's broken-in. Is that the case?
He's also a person; like yourself, who has to deal with his issues. He'll need to undergo some introspection, and reboot himself. You don't instantly recover from a bad-marriage; and there's always two-sides to every story. You can conveniently place all the blame on her, or your husband for your failed-marriages. How fair would it be to place all the blame of your failed-marriage on you? It's possible your man was a good-catch; until you stepped into his life!
BTW...he may not be so impetuous as to step right out of a divorce, right into another relationship with a woman he hardly knows!!! Who happens to think she's in-love, just by looking at him?!! The taste of freedom, and being released from drama, often makes divorcees less likely to spring right-back into another relationship, for obvious reasons!
I mean, woman...are you serious?!!
I'm glad you came to us! You need a dose or reality-serum to clear your head. You'll probably need a booster somewhere down the line! I mean, there's a gap in years between when your parents suggested the match-up and now! I doubt you're exactly the same person now as you were back then! There is a bit of wear and tear from your existing marriage you've got to recover from. Maybe you're still impetuous, but you've got a few years of experience under your belt; and you know better now, than you did back then. Going head-first into things has put a big bump on your head! Must have rattled your brain in the process!
It's easy to get over him. You don't really have a choice! He ain't leaving her! Hindsight is surely 20/20; but you're being totally superficial, and you don't know the devil lurking beneath the surface. Maybe he knows a lot more about you than you may think! He's close to his mother, she's friends with your mother, and they talk. His mother may have gotten to him, before we at DC got a chance to tell him to slow his roll! As I'm now telling you! Pump the brakes! Slow-down!!! You don't just pickup where you left-off years ago! The dude is still married, and so are you! You're talking about being a homewrecker, and tossing both your spouses to curb! Excuse me?
Deal with your present marriage; then go looking for a another man. Preferably one not married, single and available...that's after you divorce your old used-one!
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