A
female
age
16-17,
*odenameL0ver
writes:I don't really know how to start this off so here I go, me and my boyfriend live about 23 minutes away from each other, I'm 15 he's 16. lately I've been feeling like he doesn't want to hang out with me and when we text he's super dry, ill send paragraphs to him and he will just respond with super short responses. every time I ask to hang out its always "cant" or "I'm too busy today love". I don't know. I guess I feel like I'm the only one trying in this relationship. whenever I ask him if I'm annoying him or bothering him its always, "no". he says he's super in love with me but never wants to hang out.. help me please :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2022): That is an easy one OP! He is still a little boy! Acting like little boy. Girls mature much quicker. You are seeing that not even a girl your age who has matured faster is not able to have an adult relationship with a little boy!! You know that right? What your fantasy little girl mind is telling you is far different from reality. I used to be just like you. It will all pass. What I learned is there is plenty of time for adult relationships where the guy will be MATURE enough to be in one - and want to spend time with you - and the woman will be equally mature. You are both way too young in my opinion. Way too young. Why the rush? Your whole life is ahead of you. Want to catch an STD or get pregnant and ruin your future? The logical answer is focus on yourself and your studies. Don't have sex until you are much older and in a long term relationship. Build a career where you don't have to rely on any man. Figure out your future career path. Stand on your own two feet. Be an independent woman. Girls fall into the trap where they THINK they need to be valued by a guy to feel important or worthy. They think they need to put out, and look like flawless barbie dolls and if they get a guy's attention, they think they are something special. NO, no and no. A guy will think you are pretty and then his head will turn so fast the second another pretty girl comes along. Guys are that way. So never rely on their approval. You will always keep seeking validation and you will never stop because you have no confidence in yourself. Get it from YOURSELF!! You do not need his time, approval or validation for ANYTHING. Be YOU and forget about little boys like that. They are just going to disappoint you. It is okay to have him as a friend as well as other male or female friends. Just enjoy your youth. Don't break your own heart. Now is the time to be happy. Life is full of promise for you. Don't waste it on day dreams. Live in reality. This little boy is just that, a little boy, and he LIKES to be a little boy. He is not going to change or mature for a very LONG time! Just live your life. Be you, do your thing. And be happy. Who cares what he does??? Your happiness DOES NOT rely on HIM!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2022): This might be a little long for a kid, but take your time reading it.
I think I see what's going on here. You want a romantic boyfriend who spends a lot of time with you. You are both too young for anything that serious. I wouldn't go so far as to call your boyfriend "immature;" because I think he's acting his age. It's just that boys in their early teens won't be so "romantic" about relationships; when they hardly know what a relationship is! He is just a boy, and you are just a girl...not a woman! Your mind and body are developing at a rapid pace; and your hormones are raging! All you think about is that boy!
You want him hanging-out with you like grown-ups do; and you're not quite at the age that will happen. Most parents won't let their sons and daughters date until they're around 17; so they will be old enough to deal with breakups and heartache. They won't undergo depression, that could send them into an emotional-tailspin; or interfere with their focus and concentration on their studies.
A healthy teenager undergoes phases of moodiness, confusion, and rebellion; because they are progressing from the child-stage into their pre-adult stage of life. They'll become dramatic, and melancholy at times. It's those new hormones they're getting used to! Puberty drives you nuts! Even through all this, you're still good loveable-kids, just going through natural phases. You're growing-up! Hello! Been there, done that!
You probably spend hours pining and longing for your boyfriend; and he's out there enjoying his friends, just at home watching TV with his family, or playing video games. Eventually, he may even get a job, if he hasn't already. He seems to know how much time he should spend with you, his friends, and enjoying other activities. His life is busy and balanced; as it should be! Teenage kids who are too intense, self-focused, or isolated; are likely candidates for depression. You need to socialize with kids your own age; other than just that one boy! Next you'll be experimenting with sex! Which is why I suspect his parents are in the background keeping all things cool and under control! Even if yours give you a long leash! Assuming they even know you have a boyfriend!
You need to put your time into something more age-appropriate; and not spend too much time worrying after that boy. As I've said, it is likely that his parents are properly monitoring this "relationship" situation. Carefully regulating how much time you two spend together; because they want to make sure you don't end-up pregnant, and he doesn't end-up being a father at 16!!! He himself doesn't want you monopolizing all of his free-time; when he's outgoing and energetic. He has friends, and an active life. A healthy happy teenager! Maybe he's just not the kind of mushy-guy who behaves like the sappy boys in those TV teenage-romances. You even admitted that he's sweet to you, but he also has a life.
You need to make friends, or spend time with the other friends you have.
You need to put time into your studies, read books, play sports, or get yourself a hobby to take your mind off what you're calling a "relationship."
My dear child, what you have is far from what defines a relationship; and your young mind is not developed and experienced enough to handle something so complicated and demanding. You are just now learning how to have feelings for a boy; but you have a long way to go to understand what those feelings mean, because we barely get it figured-out by the time we're around 25!
Give him a chance to miss you. Find other ways to spend your time, have fun with your own friends. If you have younger siblings, give them some time and attention. Don't make any boy the center of your universe. Learn to be independent and strong now; and you'll have a head-start on things to come.
At your age, girls get caught-up in fantasy-romance. They watch too many teenage-romance movies and/or TV dramas; and want romances like they see going-on between teen-actors. Those kids are acting-out a script, that is way too deep for reality at your age! Don't expect a "puppy-love" romance to be all that intense. Writers for TV go a bit overboard! All they want is a huge teen-audience among their viewership. Then they can sell you junk for their advertisers and sponsors. Push makeup, clothes, and hair products!
It's not supposed to be too intense between you two; and if your parents are properly monitoring the situation, they should be keeping a close-eye on you, and how it's affecting you.
I can see by your posts you're becoming a little too bothered about this. God forbid, but sometimes it is at this point girls might become depressed, distracted from your schoolwork, and likely to be mean to younger siblings, if you have any. You'll become moody; or sassy with your parents, out of frustration. You need something on your mind other than that boy, sweetheart! You say he never wants to spend time with you, but my question is...how much time is enough? How come he's so busy, and you're not?
Call your best friend! Spend some time together. Find-out what your friends have been up-to lately? Have some sleepovers. Leave a text for your boyfriend telling him "you're thinking of him, and you hope he's thinking of you."
Let me make this perfectly clear. I wasn't trying to make teenage-boys look bad or stupid in my last post. I was explaining, in very general terms, what goes-on with us guys at his age; to remind you that you're both still kids. Girls aren't women at 15!!! Your parents may be more liberal-minded or permissive than his; while his may see to it that he participates in a healthy amount of age-appropriate-activities, and socializing with his buddies. To keep him well-rounded, happy, and allowing him to enjoy his childhood.
You may be 15, and think you're mature; but you are still a child. I'm not being mean or harsh, I just want you to understand. I see nothing really wrong with the boy, it seems normal for a guy at his age. I don't want you to get hurt either.
If it's getting too much; then you can back-off, and maybe let-go of him. Just try to enjoy spending more time doing other things that make you feel good and happy. You don't want to smother him with too much attention and affection; he's too young to really appreciate it yet. That's why he'll pull-away and go do other things.
Don't be too sad, because it's not that serious. You need other things to do with your time! Talk to your mom or dad about your feelings. We are here for you, but they are there for you too! They can give you their loving-advice, and comfort you in a way we can't. Provided he's not a secret you've been keeping from them, and that's why you've come to strangers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2022): So basically, he does not like you enough to put in the sustained,consistent effort it takes to keep a mature relationship going. It is not your fault - it's not even about you.He is simply just too young to be in a relationship, or just to do relationship-y things. I think you are at two different stages, even if you are the same age.You have some expectations, some emotional and social needs that you want to see respected, and there is nothing wrong with this, but he is not the person who can respect and fulfill your needs - he is still in a kid mood where everything is all about he ,him and himsrlf- and playing ,having fun and hanging out with the boys . In short, he is immature, he likes the idea of having a GF, maybe he even likes you....but only if this "like " does not mean changing anything in his habits ,passtimes, etc.
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A
female
reader, codenameL0ver +, writes (29 March 2022):
codenameL0ver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso basically, he doesnt like me? and i should break up with him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2022): In his own way he has told you that he is not your boyfriend. He is not interested. He prefers to do other things and see other people. The only thing he has not told you is that he is not interested. All of the evidence and clues are there. He is not your boyfriend and you need to stop thinking he is and throwing yourself at him as if you are desperate. Have confidence and think more of yourself than this.
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A
female
reader, codenameL0ver +, writes (28 March 2022):
codenameL0ver is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys so much! he does come over to my house sometimes you guys made me open my eyes and i do now realize he does love me. we go to school together he hangs with me throughout the day when we can. his parents are chill so they let him do whatever mine arent though. you guys are completely right about how boys will be boys, i totally understand it now, thank you so much!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): Typo correction:
"Tell him that he's making [you] feel [like] he doesn't care about you!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2022): I'm sorry, sweetheart! You're dealing with the typical teenage-boy! They get more excited about the latest video game, cars, sports, and getting into mischief. Otherwise, they spend a lot of time just spacing-out; and seem concerned about absolutely nothing! They're awkward and stupid when it comes to romance!
Some guys know how to play along with it, and do or say stuff to make you feel good; but his age tells on him. He's just a kid, and he's not going to be as lovey-dovey and romantic as a teenage-girl fantasizes about, or like you see teenage-actors behave when in-love on TV.
Boys his age have a short attention-span, novelty wears-off quickly; and his head is full of nonsense that would either scare you, or tick you off!
Girls are more mature than boys at your age; but they will be sweet to the girls they really like. The problem is, that it could wear-off quicker than you might want it to. He will be easily distracted by some new toy or gadget he just got; or some other girl suddenly catches his eye!
His buddies will tease him, if he acts like he's too "in-love;" so he has to pretend to be nonchalant and cool. He turns into a little kid, and wants to play and hangout with his buddies; instead of sitting around cuddling with you. Their minds are all over the place, my dear! He can't help it. His mom probably has to remind him to do things over and over and over, before he remembers to do them! Teenage-boys get bored easy too! It doesn't mean he's tired of you, or doesn't like you; he's just too much of a kid to be too serious!
Tell him that he's making your feel he doesn't care about you! If it doesn't seem to phase him; then it's up to you to decide if you want to continue being his girlfriend, or not.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2022):
 Hi OP,
I think your BF "wants" a GF, he just doesn't want to put in the effort and work that an actual relationship takes.
That might be because he has no experience in relationships, in being a good BF or because he can't be arsed.
One thing you need (NEED) to learn is that people can say all kinds of sweet things but that doesn't mean that they MEAN it.
What matters is does he SHOW you that he really really likes you? Don't just LISTEN to what he says, does his actions match his words? Or not?
Talk is cheap. And actions speak louder than words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. These are some good thing to live by.
You are both young and still learning how to navigate dating.
You have to decide, do you want a BF in name only, who BARELY even talk, text you, and doesn't seem to want to spend time with you in person? OR do you want someone who WANTS to get to know you, spend time with you?
It might also be that he isn't allowed to be alone with you, or that his parents don't know he is dating you. Or that he has no transport to your house or vice versa.
Do you two go to the same school? Do you spend time together AT school (lunch etc.)
Either you are OK with "dating" this guy or you rather look elsewhere for someone who WANTS to hang out and do things.
My youngest (17) hangs out almost every day with her BF, they do homework together, they go hiking together, shopping, do hobbies, hang out with other friends too. He eats at our house 1-3 times a week, she at his about the same. But not every relationship is the same. You have to figure out what you want, what he wants and see if it's compatible, if you can compromise and find a good middle ground together.
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