A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was reading the article a couple of men wrote. I have that same type of issue with my husband. I cannot let go of the past. We have been married for a long time and he is my best friend. My problem is that I cannot stop thinking about him and his ex girlfriend from high school. Growing up as a teenager I had fun, but did not date much or have lots of boyfriends. I was taught growing that when a teenage girl has sex with a boy she is labeled as a "slut" and that will ruin my reputation. So I obeyed, even in college. My husband on the other hand had plenty of girlfriends. Yes, that makes me jealous, because he was experiencing the dating world and having sex, but I was what some of my friends call "goody two shoes". When we were dating, she came for a visit (without my knowledge) and he slept with her one last time. According to him, it was unplanned. But she clearly knew that they we're going to be together. I did not find out until a year after we got married. And of course I was very upset. Since I found out about them I would say the meanest, most demeaning words to my husband, about that situations and his past girlfriend's in high school. I held this over his head off and on for about 20 years (yes, I know. He even told me to seek help. But I thought I got the situation under control) until I was looking at his brother's facebook and she is his brother's FB friend. I seen her picture once, when we first started dating. But never in my wildest dreams think I would see her again. The problem is she is a nice looking person and I was hoping she was fat/ugly. Just when I was doing okay with his past, the last person he slept with was her. Is there something clearly wrong with me? It's been over 20 years and starting to put a strain on a beautiful relationship. Should I seek help like my husband suggested a long time ago. Dazed/Confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): Hi
I know it's been a year but how is it going? I am interested in your post because I am going through something similar.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 20years, and your still angry... yes I think that you would benefit from some professional help.
Of course if you just found her picture, it's natural to be upset and disturbed. But you sound like your obsessed and bitter at your husbands past and that is not very healthy.
Please book an appointment to see a counsellor and get this sorted out at last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverybody's response was so uplifting and positive. And it was just like you know me personally. One of the female readers said "Had you known at the time that he had slept with this woman, I'm sure the outcome would have been totally different. Maybe there wouldn't even have been a marriage!" You are so right. And that was his answer to why he did not tell me, because he knew I wouldn't marry him. But during our marriage, he has never given me a reason to doubt him. He is such a family man and he say's that he doesn't think about this person until I bring it up, then he talks about her, rather he wants to or not. Again, thanks everyone for your advice. I actually, see a therapist next week. I just want a normal life and to be ready to face her next year for their school reunion, (if she shows) without any resentment. Everyone Have A Good Day.
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female
reader, Catflap1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
I have had something similar. My husband was with me during his marriage break up although he had already left before we got together properly. His wife was cold to him for years and he found me again - we were first loves. Don't go comparing me with your husband's ex though - danger! - my chap had few lovers and is happy with what is familiar. He would not have left her if she had loved him.Anyway, we met up again, he fell in love with me but had to go back to the USA where his family are to sort things through in his mind. While there he slept with his wife, once. Strange to say that as she was his wife, but I knew his heart was with me by then so how did that happen I wonder? I am OK about it though.During the years we were together after then, when he came back, it was his darkest time and I was there through the whole denial, anger, bargaining, realisation of the magnitude of the loss of his marriage, everything. It almost broke me to pieces. What your husband did was decide to be with you. He rejected his high school love. Like a pair of familiar shoes he tried on his old pair once, perhaps to check that he was doing the right thing. He decided he was, made that decision long ago and stuck by it. What I get from my husband now is heartfelt love and gratitude that I stuck with him. He does not love his ex wife, he loves me and tells me all the time. I know that so well it is like a thread of gold, it is a certainty.Somehow your husband needs to get this through to you.My husband's ex was beautiful (now she is a bit porky heh heh), I am told that I am sexy, attractive, warm and funny. I know people like me. She is she and I am I. You need to believe in yourself more that is the simple key. I did it by thinking that I would no longer punish myself unfairly by making self-doubts up in my head. What do you think will happen by her being a friend of his brother? Is she likely to loom up out of the computer screen and pop into your living room? I don't think so. Get some help if you really need it. If you are jealous of other women on the whole fine but I think you feel he stole your trust by not telling you before you married. Then he would have had to look for forgiveness properly and you would I am sure only have married him if he had put in the work. This way he trapped you without taking the responsibility and giving you your right to feel enraged at the right time so it has stayed there. Seeing her or hearing about her brings it back. He muffled your protest by keeping you in the dark. It is partly his responsibility that this nsaty thing clings and I think he could help you let it go - you just have to find out how. By the way if you go for counselling this is his issue as well as it affects you both. See if he will go with you, it will be a part of the trust building to show you that he wants to help.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Strange as this may sound, you also might need to consider forgiving YOURSELF for holding onto your resentment and jealousy all these years........not only about your husband, but also for the pain you have because you remained a "goody two-shoes" and he didn't......
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You haven't forgiven him yet, because you are getting something out of "holding" it over his head. I would suggest that you find a therapist maybe? If you have been harboring this resentment for over 20 years, you need help letting it go. Trust me once you figure out HOW to let it go, you will feel a million times better.
People think if they say, I forgive you, the pain magically goes away. It doesn't. No matter what, forgiving is not easy. You have to forgive the other person, his actions and how they affected you and yourself. True forgiveness means the subject is closed. Done with.
Consider this. You two have been together for 20 years? So what is she to him? Other then a piece of his past? You know he's been with other girls too, yet.. here he is 20 years later, still with you.
It's would be nice if all ex's turned out to be ugly! I totally get that part, but her being ugly or not, it really shouldn't bother you. She means nothing to you, or rather she shouldn't mean anything to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Theres nothing wrong with you. You were just given a problem to deal with and its been hard for you. This isnt a problem of your making. Its a problem your husband kindly gave you. Had it just been a case of him having more experience, im sure you would have gotten over it by now. But he cheated on you. Thats the main issue. In that sense its not YOUR problem. Its a shared problem.
Had you known at the time that he had slept with this woman, im sure the outcome would have been totally different. Maybe there wouldnt even have been a marriage! But the truth was kept from you. He was making an informed choice about you, because he knew you very well. But because you didnt know him as well as you thought, you went into the marriage blindfolded. You thought you knew him, a trustworthy, loyal guy. When he wasnt!
He had a choice but he denied you a choice. Its natural to feel resentful about that at times. When something happens to trigger off the sense of betrayal and the unhelpful thoughts, im sure you dislike how it makes you feel as much as he does. If he could fix things with you, he would. But talking to him isnt helping you its just making you miserable and probably him too. When thoughts of betrayal run around your head like a hampster in a wheel, its exhausting and very hard work.
My advice would be to see a counsellor or therapist. Not because theres something 'wrong' with you but because he has given you a set of thoughts that you dont want and that wont go away. So you will need help to learn how to cope and deal with those thoughts. I hope you manage to fix things and find some peace of mind. Ive been there and know how you feel. Dont give up. A good therapist will be sympathetic and helpful x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): It must be a huge strain, carrying this around with you. The sad thing is you can change nothing - it is done and no amount of agonizing will change that. You have a good marriage and risk damaging it with your negative thoughts. You have issues, more so with yourself than these other girls. Because you were not as casual in your behaviour, the fact that others were seems to be tearing you apart. Your husband was just doing what most young men do given the chance. Your husband is right that you should talk it through with a professional. Whatever happened, he chose you - you have to remember that - maybe he liked the way you had held yourself back. And about all those girls and this one particular woman you mention - well he is with you and happy. Don't drive him away on imagings.
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male
reader, rdbrown +, writes (25 January 2011):
Hi Dazed/Confused!You're in a tricky situation it sounds! My girlfriend and I have similar problems. Although in our case we have both been totally faithful, both she AND I have real problems letting go of the past. I was married at a very young age and have only recently got divorced. My girlfriend was in a psychologically abusive relationship with a guy who would always cheat on her...on one particular occasion she found receipts for her Xmas presents and found he had bought two IDENTICAL presents for other girls! Yikes!We haven't sought help for the simple reason that we, nor you, need to. (In my opinion). My simple answer is that you AND ONLY you can feel the way you do. Try to answer the way your heart feels and don't worry about the consequences. It's far easier to act on something and then ask for forgiveness than to ask permission for something! That's my mantra anyway.Other little suggestions:1. Stay away from Facebook if you can't trust yourself to not overreact.2. Stay positive. If you find yourself feeling negative, try and reaffirm your belief in the good points of your marriage. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER! Positive thoughts subconsciously attract other positive thoughts, just like negative ones do.3. Laugh...as much as possible. I'm certain, if you stay positive and put the past out of your mind as much as possible, you'll both have a long and healthy relationship!Let me know how it goes!
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