A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First let me tell you that I know how utterly ridiculous I sound, but here's the story. I am 29 and have been with my partner for 9 years and we are engaged. We have travelled together and have good jobs. We were going to get married this year but had some complications with where we were living etc so we have not got a date now as we had lots of life stuff to sort. However, my partner's little brother who is 24 is getting married really soon. And they have been together about three years. I feel green with envy that they get to just do that. I'm not usually a jealous person but for some reason this is really upsetting me. I guess I feel that our relationship is stronger etc so we should get to do that first but I don't know what the race is. It's just how I'm feeling. Please give me advice!
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female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (20 August 2017):
 I think it's a natural feeling when someone younger than you reaches a "milestone" before you that you're really excited to get to.
Just try to be happy. Day dream about your own wedding and use their experience as advice for what might go wrong / what companies to use when you get to yours.
People take different paths in life and some people have different priorities.
My bf and I have been together almost five years. We waited 2 years to move in together to make sure it was right. Then we wanted to buy a house, so we started saving, which we've just done. We aren't even engaged because I didn't want to get engaged before getting a house. But my friend has been with her fiance for three years, they moved in together after six months and they're engaged to be married already! They don't have a house that they're buying, they don't have enough money to get married for two years, and that might very well be before me but I've accepted it.
When she phoned me to tell me she was engaged, I knew what the call would be about, and I didn't answer. I felt immediately guilty and sick with myself but I was just jealous and petty. If I could go back in time I'd react differently.
And do you know what? SHE'S really jealous of my life and feels like she's losing at "the race" because we've got a house. This was a wake up call for me and snapped me out of being a self-centered moron. Instead I told her that it isn't a race. We are all going to get where we want to be but we should enjoy our journey because that the best part really.
Try to get excited for them. Don't let it be a reflection on your relationship. Look at everything you've done and achieved and experienced together! Not many people have that. Would you give those experiences up in order to be married already? I hope not! Also some people get engaged after ten years, after having children, or never at all. Because it isn't a race. It's about creating a life together. Just rise above it :) one day soon it'll be your turn and there are reasons you're not there already!
Like with me, I could be married right now. But I wouldn't be painting the walls of our first "forever home". I'd still be living in magnolia-walled rented accommodation.
Don't beat yourself up :) Don't pressure yourself either. When you get married it'll be perfect and it will happen soon enough! Don't race towards the finish lines in life because there aren't that many huge moments. It's best to spread them out!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 August 2017):
 OK, I'll be a total bitch and I will spell out what I suspect you feel , deep down, and it's nagging at you :
after 9 years of a " strong " relationship, sure there's no reason to rush, it's not a race ... then again there's also no reason to drag your feet.
You said that you had plans, and life interfered - as alas life has a way to always interfere with the best laid plans. Then again, it's a matter of priorities, and generally, if it's important enough, when there's a will there's a way. Now, I don't know what exactly happened to you and what you've got to sort out, but, short of something totally epocal and life changing, I can see there are ample variations in what different people consider a good reason to postpone a wedding, reasons which have a lot more to do with subjective, personal priorities and personal views about marriage, than about what's really being going on.
I'll give you two real life, recent and opposite examples referring to people I know well.
The daughter of a good friend of mine got married July 21st, according to her initial plane. Three weeks before the wedding date, she had a speedboat accident, in which one of her cheekbones got shattered , to the point that the orb could not support the eyeball anymore. It took over 5 hours of reconstructive plastic surgery to " fix " her. She risked losing her vision in that eye, luckily that won't be the case, but her eyesight won't be normal for some more months. And even after having successful surgery and leaving the hospital after a longish stay , she wasn't in top shape , and obviuosly she had the mother of all black eyes. So, I naively commiserated with the future bride and her mother " Oh what a shame- now, you will have to postpone the wedding ?.. " They told me to not be silly- she was getting married because she WANTED to be married, not to look good in the wedding pics . As a matter of fact, she was a beautiful, and original, bride... wearing an elegant white wedding gown, and a huge, funky pair of black sunglasses ,studded with Swarowski.
Now- case No 2 , the opposite case of a couple who always have something interfering - because everything is a matter of interference to them. She late 30s, he mid 40s. Living together- bought a house together since 8 or 9 years. Both work, both earn more than decently.
Now I mind my business and I know better than asking " So, when are you two getting married ? " , but for some reason, just yesterday she brought the subject up. She said that neither of them is opposed on principle to getting married, they are a solid, committed couple... just there's no rush, they are waiting for the right moment, but when they sort of decide it could be the moment, something comes up... like this year, they were going to fix a date, when his old car broke down and he " had " to buy a new one... 25.000 euros.. so of course, it was not the moment to incur in further expenses... Again, I know better than saying anything, I must just have arched an eyebrow and I guess that single eyebrow betrayed what I was thinking , which was , couldn't he have bought something much cheaper and second hand AND gotten married anyway ? - because she said " You know the way we are .. we are practical people, with our feet on the ground... and S.( the partner ) believes in stability and prudence , he'd rather have all our ducks in a row before taking such a step... he was actually wondering if , since there still are only 5 or 6 years left before our mortgage is paid in full, maybe might as well to wait until then before getting married... "
So, I still keep my mouth shut, but my other eyebrow is screaming : Yeah right. You are never going to get married !, who do you want to fool, yourselves or other people ? "
See what I mean ? Everything is important ( a death in the family, an unexpected expense, a health problem....) yet everything is not so important- depending upon how much people wants to get married. I am not saying that everybody must want it real bad, of course- there are happy couples who never wanted and never will want to be married.
But, I guess that maybe, maybe, you feel that if it were up to you only, or if you were in your bfìs shoes, the sorting out would have been much faster and more efficient . If you have even a hint, even a smidgeon, of feeling that your bf is a bit pussyfooting, a bit dragging his feet, and / or that he may be less happy and convinced about getting married , than you are- then I would say that your envy, for a " braver " , more sanguine, more " go-getter " younger brother is not only natural but also justified.
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