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female
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anonymous
writes: I just quite can´t reach him by talking to him. After 10 years of marriage I want to move on, to be alone! I feel trapped and stuck with him. I have been thinking about leave him years ago, but maybe in my soul I don´t want to break his heart. He doesn´t want to go with me to therapy or else where for help. He believes is me that has a problem. Maybe by trying a little bit longer with him, by buying a house or/and travel? Please help me!!! Thanks!
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female
reader, crazysadie  +, writes (7 March 2007):
I myself was married right at 10 years, and I felt the same way for some time before I finally got the courage to leave him. I was happier than a pig in mud for awhile, living my own life, doing whatever whenever I wanted. However, when I look back on it now I have serious regrets. I realize now that I will never have a relationship as good as the one we shared, and I blew it all because of my own selfish motives. Only you can decide what it is you really want, but if you do leave, please just take some time first to think about the good things in your relationship, and ask yourself if you are willing to give it up forever for the things you want. Just make sure its worth it.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Honey, your instinct is telling you something, and it isn't "buying a house and/or travel".
In most cases, when you don't listen to your inner voice, everybody that you care about suffers - especially you.
In a successful marriage, both people work hard at it. You have recognized a problem with yours. It may be with you, it may be with him, but you don't know because the lines of communication are broken. Right now he is in denial of a problem that may have existed before the start of the marriage.
He is an adult that has made his choice - he has refused to acknowledge that you are currently suffering. In response, you now have some choices:
1) Buy that house and/or travel and by doing so, perpetuate the status quo. This path will lead to more suffering, probably through one person cheating on the other. Furthermore you will delay and prolong your own healing process by choosing this option.
2) Give your husband an ultimatum - this is sometimes called "the confrontation". Explain *one last time* that the marriage is in trouble because he refuses to acknowledge that a problem exists. Then tell him that the only way to save this marriage is for him to agree to go to counselling, otherwise you will end it right here and now. The consequence of this choice is that irrespective of his choice, you will give yourself a chance to heal from the suffering right after you give him the ultimatum.
My brother-in-law had a marriage with the same communication problems as yours. His (now) ex-wife ended up cheated on him and eventually moved out of the house while he was away at work. They had serious communication problems and she had trouble with confrontation - that explains the cowardly way in which she left him.
In the end, you are responsible for consequences of the choices that you make. If you choose to give him the ultimatum, either he will accept it or he won't. That is HIS choice, and you are not responsible for his choice, as much as he will try to blame it on you.
I hope I have helped you see things a bit more clearly. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, DEBS83  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 if you dont want to be with him than leave him talk to him tell him how you feel and tell him if he does love you and wants you to be happy than he will let you go
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A
female
reader, immuno +, writes (1 August 2006):
 Do you really want to be alone? If you are worried about breaking his heart then you might still have some feelings for him. If you can, then make an appointment for yourself at a family counseling center. This will show him that you are willing to work on making things better. After you have attended a few sessions, invite him to go with you for support. If he still will not go with you, then whatever decision you make he will have to live with the consequences. Please do not make any life altering decisions, such as, buying a house together, before the relationship is in a stable state. Remember as long as you are feeling unsure about yourself or your situation any major change could add more stress. Good luck to you and I hope that whatever conclusion you come to it will help to make you stronger.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): Hi, I was in your position, except I was married for 14 years and have 3 young children. I left my husband 15 months ago and although it is tough bringing up 3 children by myself, and have little money,I have to say that I definitely made the right decision and wish I had done it years ago. I felt very trapped, didn't love my husband and wanted to go it alone. If this is what you really want, I would say go for it, if he refuses to get help or you dont think there is anything that can help. If you don't love him, then it will be kinder for him in the long run. My ex has met someone else in the last few weeks, and I am hoping she can give him some love, whereas I couldn't.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (1 August 2006):
you have to ask yourself one very important question do you want to be with him? if you feel therapy will help you TELL him its that or you leave.be forcefull but at the same time do seem as though you are telling him. if he is not willing to work at it then maybe its time to move on, by the sounds of it you have been trying for a long time so i dont advise trying any longer unless he is willing to work at it too!
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): I was in this a similar situation about 4 years ago. We had a baby and lost him after 7 days. He was born premature. Our marriage already had problems but this seemed to be the last straw. I tried to cope with what happened and he retreated into gaming. After going on like that for a year, I left my husband and stayed with a friend. He wanted me to come back home but I realized that I was happier without him. I moved on with my life and met someone else. My husband would not divorce me so I had to save up money to get the divorce myself.
The point I am trying to make is this: You will never make your husband understand. If you want to go to counseling on your own before you make a decision by all means do so because this is going to be a life changing event for you. This will be something that you will replay in your mind over and over again. Make sure this is something you want to do and then have the guts to follow through. You and your husband deserve to be happy.
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