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*avygg
writes: in 1969 my wife had a relationship with a close friend it lasted only about two weeks and they had sex twice, she realised she had made a terrible mistake and finished it although my friend continued coming round to the house , often at my invitation, nothing else happened.at the time it was going on i was completely unaware of the situation, and noticed no change in my wife or my friend. about two years after that we moved house my friend left the area, and we settled into our new home.in 1971 my wife woke up at 3am crying her eyes out and almost hyterical when i asked what on earth the matter was she told me what had happened two years earlier. i was devastated as the thought of my wife having an affair had never remotely occured to me, she was a virgin when we got married and had never had a relaitionship with anyone else but me. for 6 months after that life was hell i constantly thought of the two of them together. However after that it got easier and gradually it faded from my mind, then suddenly this year it all came back to me,and now i find i cant get it out of my mind.in my wifes defence it must be said i wasnt the ideal husband, she had already found about an affair i had in 1967 which lasted about 9 months, after that was one night stands which she didnt know about, but i think she had suspicions, also since we were married in 1960 i had been a cross dresser which she tolerated, but i know didnt like, although she would often buy me things to wear and gave me some of her clothes she had finished with.i liked kinky sex which i know she didnt like either. then we both retired a year ago, my cross dressing stopped and i tried so hard to make up for all the things i did in the past, but the picture of her having sex with my friend haunts me and i wonder how long i can go on like this.we have talked about it recently and she insists it was nothing,she didnt even like him but she was terribly unhappy at the time and she was flattered by the attention he gave her, i realise i was more at blame for this than she was but that seems to make it that much worse, how do i forget this and make the time we have left together as happy for her as i can
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reader, davygg +, writes (2 August 2006):
davygg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry couldnt finish that off but i appreciate your views and intend to forget this ever happened and get on with our, now, very happy life thank you all
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male
reader, davygg +, writes (2 August 2006):
davygg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe three of you are right of course, and its time to put it back where it belongs....in the past. ironically this is the happiest weve ever been, we go shopping together, we go to the gym 4 times a week together, we have two terrific grandchildren, we go on holiday at least three times a year,it is hard to imagine life being better than this. I regret everything single thing i,ve done in the past which has caused her so much unhappiness.the strange thing is that its not her having sex with him that makes me so unhappy, but the kissing and cuddling and other intimate things that dont involve sex that hurts, but as she says that it only lasted a week or two and they had sex on only two occasions, there were no snatched secret meetings, no presents,no dates, he came round to the house in the evening when i was at work, and the kids were in bed, there was no love or tenderness,. and it took her only a short time to realise what he really wanted and ended up hating him.i know she could have made this up, but my wife is not like that,if she says thats what it happened then thats what happened, She looked after her dying mother in our house while i carried on with an affair, and never gave her support or help. she looked after my mother who had alzeimers, even though throughout our married life my mother had never thought her good enough to have married her son ( even though i knew she was far too good for me).my wife is a treasure and i thank i met her when i did
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): I think perhaps you have not managed to put all this in the past because you feel guilt for the the infidelity that you kept from her.
For almost 40 years you've kept these secrets and until now those guilty feelings have been repressed. It is the only thing I can draw from your ilogical behaviour. Your decision to bring it up and have her have to justify HER mistake seems to me that you do, in fact, want to discuss the past and this is the only way you can do it.
I'm not necessarily saying to confess all. I don't know her character but I am assuming, if she doesn't know your secrets, that she would be utterly devastated, and, if you have ever critised her since, for her mistakes, you are likely to receive some serious marriage ending resentment and hostility.
On the other hand though, if your recent thoughts about the past ARE linked to your own infidelity, you're not going to be able to "stop" thinking about any of it until you deal with the cause of the problem. Maybe a therapist could help you through this?
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 By not keep harping on about the past.Life is short enough without this kind of upset.This affair happened a very long time ago,so why are you bringing it up again? From what you said,you were no angel yourself....Dont you think you should enjoy your retirement with your wife and end the arguments now?...The past is the past and you cant change that,what you should be doing is looking forward to the present and future....like my grandmother always said...You cant cry over spilt milk.
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