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age
36-40,
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writes: I am having an affair with a man from work. I am single, he has been with his partner for about 5 years and they have lived together for one or two years.We worked very closely together for over a year. he had feelings for me throughout this time, however, I only discovered feelings for him after we had been sleeping together for a couple of months.his girlfriend is extremely possessive. She needs to know where he is h=if he leaves the house for longer than an hour, creating problems when he lives at the other side of the city from me. She also reads all of his text messages, emails, facebook.... etc and has done throughout their relationship. I am his first affair.I have been seeing him, now, for six months. We used to see each other at work all the time, but I have been moved to another branch. Since I was moved, his partner has been undergoing tests on her ovaries and has found out is is very unlikely they will have children. therefor, I have seen him very little as we don;t have the oppotunity to meet when she is at work (she is off sick).I have , now, fallen hook, line and sinker for him. I never expected this as I still, atr he age of 27, have never even been in a relationship before. I am now at the stage where I want her to know. This, I know, is incredibly selfish of me, but I cannot help but keep taking larger and larger risks. I could never ask him to leave her because then I will be responsible if he is not happy after their split.He says he loves me. He says he loves her, but he has not been happy for a while (I know.... that old chestnut....) and I have never asked him to leave her or even discussed the possibility with him.My question to you all is this (and I am aware this will now provoke many angry responses)...How can I make sure she finds out about us, without him knowing it was my fault?
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female
reader, bunnyblueeyes  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 You Don't. If he wanted you instead of her he would have left her already. He hasn't. So its obvious that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Her finding out does not instantly mean he's yours. She may forgive him and you lose him or she throws him out, he's angry, and you lose him anyway.
If you love him then talk to him. If he doesn't leave her for you really soon, then he never will.
Don't wait around for him to decide, find someone who wants just you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): WELL I DEFINATLEY cant disagree with anyone elses blog!
as i am in a similar situation but as the 'possibly infertile wife'
So i can speak from a different possition to everyone else....
my husband of 6 years and i have been trying to concieve to no avail for the entire six years and we have had dissapointment after dissapointment after dissapointment.
He loves me to death and would never do 'ANY thing' to hurt
me, however he works with many females and they like his personality, his wealth and his gentleness and so yes i can imagine he is considered quite a catch, and i have NEVER been the jealious type.
However he referred to his secretary as 'honey' (an old woman of 56 years, whos known him for about 10 years) the other day when he was on the phone, now i definatley dont suspect anything as he did it whilst i was in the same room as him standing in front him, and he says its just an essex term, everything here is just babe, honey, luv etc etc....
and i said okay no problem but just so you know if you ever cheated on me whilst we are going threw all this turmoil i will personally kill you , her and then myself end of!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (16 August 2011):
 just a question for you OP - if the girls friend is SO SO possesive and wants to know where he is all the time how on earth is is able to get any time with you? i think you are being lied to, just like she is.
they are not married, they have no kids, there is no reason why he can't leave her of his own accord and come to you. the fact is is that he doesn't want to.
so, even if you do somehow get the information back to his girlfriend and she kicks him out, do you REALLY want him to land on your doorstep under those circumstances? he will only be there coz he is sorry for himself being dumped and he maybe has nowhere else to live.
please stop being used by this man. he doesn't deserve either of you women. you say you know about 'that old chestnut' so why are you putting up with this? its your first relationship and it should be something special, except with him you are just a spare vagina. that's all. he is getting everything else he needs from her (friendship, love, someone to look after him, housemate, prospective mother to his children if the ovary studies work out)
do your self a big favour. stop sleeping with him until he actually LEAVES his girlfriend. he says he loves you? lets see if he can PROVE it!
x
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Unconscionable!! Though it is good to know that if I ever decide to go all Hugh Hefner in my old age that the world is still producing a healthy supply of idiot bimbos.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 This makes me want to cry. This guy's girlfriend just found out one of the most devastating things imaginable for a woman who desires kids. She's shattered. What she doesn't realize is that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She'll be far more shattered. The pain you WANT to cause her could send her into a nervous breakdown.
You also used the words "I'm having an affair". Are you married? Who are you cheating on with this guy?
Please tell me that your selfishness cannot be this utterly cruel and inhuman. However, we know that your lover IS utterly cruel and inhuman. Let's get past his worthless words for a second. He says he might not be happy with her, but based on what you said, she really really loves him enough to want to have his kid. Also, apparantly, her feelings of distrust were very well justified!
You have to look beyond his words and see this for what it is. He *has* been into trouble before. She is no psycho overpossessive girlfriend, and she loves him. And he's playing you and her and enjoying sex from both of you. You are the dirty little secret, and he doesn't love you like you think he does, or he would have broken up with her. They're not married.
You're going to crush her. You're going to shatter her. You're going to be vilified by her and by your love interest, because he does not respect you. And you know what I think? You don't respect yourself, or you'd never fall for a guy like this who doesn't deserve his beautiful, loving, girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 August 2011):
 "I could never ask him to leave her because then I will be responsible if he is not happy after their split."
Let me quickly call bullshit on your statement. You're writing to us, wondering how YOU can tell his partner about the affair without implicating yourself. How is that making you not responsible? You're the one that wants to get the ball rolling. You're the one that is looking for a discreet way to break them up! You ARE responsible.
You don't have the balls to tell him the truth - that you want him for yourself. Why? You're afraid that he will tell you that he will never leave her; that he will give you lame excuses for not leaving her, or empty promises that will never come true.
You're in love with a scumbag and your hopes to break them up are turning you into a scumbag as well.
P.S. there is no way you can tell her without implicating yourself. I'm sure he wasn't stupid enough to introduce you or be seen with you when around acquaintances, friends, or family. You were kept a very hidden, dirty little secret, weren't you?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 "When a man marries his mistress, He creates a job opening..."
I love this line because it speaks to the character of the man you are sleeping with and what you can expect from him in the future. My husband's line on observing his colleagues affair was "Wow! An entire relationship based on human weakness." Not a great starting point for a couple.
Imagine explaining to your future children how you met Daddy!!! Will you just lie to them or keep silent?
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive...
And YOU want to expose him to his common-law-wife just after she has found out she is infertile? IF SHE HAS JUST FOUND OUT THEN THEY HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!
Did you miss that point? How can he be planning on leaving her and planning a baby with her? Sounds like you might be a "convenience" and he's lying to you!
Talk about kicking someone when they are down. Are you thinking "I'm better for him 'cause I'm fertile?" If that thought has creeped across your mind, you really are viewing her as your "competitor" and not as a human being (which doesn't exactly make you future wife or mother-of-the-year material, BTW).
What is the prize to be won in the competition? Oh yeah, him. The lying cheating spouse.
Did ANY of the above make you feel defensive because it made you cringe a little?
GOOD!!!
Then at least your conscience is STILL in there somewhere!!!!!!!
Do the right thing. Leave him. Get out with your dignity intact. You deserve a good man who is 100% yours; and you deserve to enjoy shouting it out loud to the whole world instead of sneaking around. Good Luck with everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): It sounds as though he may be making excuses to try and end the affair with you anyway.
Since you have moved offices, instead of missing you and wanting to see more of you, he has offered the following;
He can't come and see you because she is suspicious if he leaves the house for more than an hour (presumably about as long as it takes to drive to yours’ and back!)
You shouldn't contact him on facebook
You shouldn't contact him on email
You shouldn't contact him by text message
He can't even see you when she is out of the house as she is off work and at home ALL of the time
He is also suggesting that they want/ed to start a family together.
It sounds like he is trying to tell you something.
Perhaps he has developed a conscience and is trying to push you away with every excuse under the sun.
I can only assume that because you have never been in a relationship yourself, you have no idea how much hurt you are causing to this woman. Since you seem only able to consider your self, imagine yourself in her situation and how much pain it would cause to find out that another woman was plotting to steal your man at the same time as you found out that you might not be able to have children.
This man has never once even discussed making you his girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): She is possesive you say and checks up on him......well she is a smart lady then...she smells the cheat, so her behaivour is totally acceptable. He portrays her as bad to please you (that old chestnut) he won't say hey i had a great sex session with the wife yesterday. He is quite simply a liar and cheat and unfortunately so are you, because you assist him. What is your motive for wanting his wife to find out? she sounds like she will in the end anyway, thats why she checks up on him.
spunky monkey
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDeep doen, I know you are all right. I know I am being selfish. I know I am being stupid. I know that if he wanted to leave her, he would. I have actually ended this several times over just the past coupld of months, but he always persuades me to take him back.
I am in love with him and, so, screwed. All rationality is out of the window. I would never have done this had I known, before I fell for him, that she would have these health issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): You could have some one give her an anonymous letter i think she should know whats going on so she can deside what she wants to do about it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 August 2011):
 to follow on from my previous answer, the fact you are willing to do this to another women when she is dealing with some serious health issues and probably feeling quite fragile says a lot about the type of person you are.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 August 2011):
hmm, what makes you think she and he wont work out their differences IF she does find out he is a low down lying two timing cheat? How do you know that she doesn't already know that he is a low down lying two timing cheat? What makes you think that if she does dump his low down lying two timing cheating ass that he will move you up to the top dog position? Are you sure if she dumps him he wont be a low down lying two timing cheat on you?
I dont know of any way to do what you are planning to do, but I will tell you this, you may get away with it for a month or two, or even a year or two but eventually this sort of truth will get out, ask yourself: is the long term risk worth it?
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A
female
reader, Dance4 +, writes (15 August 2011):
Stop seeing him... If he cheated on her what makes you think he wont cheat on you???
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (15 August 2011):
 I made a promise to myself a number of years ago that I would never help someone to break up another marriage/partnership. My word to you is he has a partner so he is not available. She may have fertility disappointment so please don't add to her sadness. Please end this affair now.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Sorry about the unfinished answer...If he was willing to do this during her time of need, then what makes you think he'd be better off with you? This guy has no respect for you. He's just getting what he can from you that he can't get from his gf. I don't think telling his gf is going to get anything solved. She will hate you for letting her know that she was being disrespected, he will hate you for interfering because it's none of your business, and then he won't want anything to do with you. There's no positive outcome for this. So leave this alone and let her find out for herself. You can do better than him.
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