A
female
age
36-40,
*abymama2be
writes:Hello, DearCupid, and thanks for reading. Well, I am 22 years old and my boyfriend and I recently discovered that we are having a baby. We are excited about this idea and plan to stay together and raise our baby together and frankly the just-me-and-him side of things is great. My parents, upon finding out I'm having a baby, really want us to get married. So, after some discussion, we went out ring shopping and as I was attempting to discuss my plans with my parents, they got more and more dismissive of my plans and ideas. My dad says, "just get it done with." ... "Just get it over and done with and move on." I'm like, excuse me? I don't deserve to have a nice dream wedding just because I'm pregnant? I don't want to get married just to say I'm married. I want to have a celebration of the love I have for my partner and show the world that we're going to be together forever. But my parents would rather we just ran off to a courthouse because it means more to them to not be embarassed by having an unwed mother for a daughter than even being present at my wedding. I thought I was making them happy by even planning to get married in the first place, but I guess not. I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with them right now. Does anyone have any advice for me at all? How can I make them see that, even though I'm pregnant, I still deserve the wedding of my dreams?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): You're pregnant, and babies are expensive. Why not save the money for the expenses that a child will bring?
A
female
reader, Sakuracherry  +, writes (5 June 2010):
Hi Babymama
COngratulations on your upcoming wedding and birth. It must be such an exciting time for you! :)
I think you definitely deserve to have the wedding that you dream off. As a little girl, i always fantasized about my mom's wedding and wished i was there to see and often wondered how I wanted mine to be like. It is a celebration of you love and commitment to one another! SO you should celebrate as you see fit! Plus your little girl in the future would want to do the same!
I had a rushed wedding which i planned in 3 weeks. Was a crazy time, but in the end it was so worth it to see everyone smiling and happy on the big day! I couldnt have asked for it to be any different, other than the fact that my pianist ran away and we had no music as backup lol! But it didnt matter coz everyone had a wonderful time chatting and laughing! :)
One thing i do regret though, is that I can't believe how much we spent on the wedding. Everything labelled wedding just has exorbitant prices. Do be careful with your budget, because 1.5years after mine, we are still trying to pay off our wedding debt and not getting anywhere coz i've left my job and studying right now. It can get stressful on the marriage arguing about money. Plus kids are expensive too.
Just let your parents know that you understand their feelings but you really want this. And let them know how much it means to you, for them to be there on your big day. Its your wedding, not theirs dun say this to them n alienate them, of course :P
Best of luck and let us kjnow how things are going!!! :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Laura 1318, I think your view about this situation is accurate. Still..
Of course we cannot dictate how the OP should feel and react in any given situation of her life. If she wants to feel belittled and insulted by her parents having a different opinion from hers ,that's her privilege.
She should not expect though that other people ( the agony aunts ) should necessarily relate to and validate her feelings, and she should not assume that hers is the most logical,natural,and universal reaction.
At the OP's age, most people are not hanging on to their parent's approval even for the major decisions in their life, and much less for more mundane things like which kind of wedding reception to organize. They can serenely accept that
different people,even close and loved ones, may have defferent views according to their age,mentality,personal experiences,tastes and quirks,- without feeling belittled or insulted. Parents can love you-and do love you - even when you don't see eye to eye with them !|
I guess that part ,or most of the OP's vulnerability and touchiness is due to her being in such an important,emotional time of her life. So,bride-to-be,don't worry- everything will be just fine, and many many best wishes for your wedding and baby.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 I think her problem is that her parents are not in favour of her holding her dream wedding.
They just wanted her to get over quickly by having to go to the court house to register their marriage.It was their poor attitude towards her wedding plans ,making her feel inconsequential.
Weddings are a very auspicious and important day in the life of a woman .She felt belittled and insulted .
A woman's pregnancy bump can only be noticeable after 5 months.This is not a problem. No one has to know that she is pregnant except she, her b/f and their parents.
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A
female
reader, yowie +, writes (4 June 2010):
 I understand what you are saying - why can they not see that this is a happy event, not something to be ashamed of? A wedding AND a grandchild! Why is their embarassment more important than their emotional support they should be providing for their daughter?
You imply that they would probably not go to your wedding to save themselves from such embarrassment. So, if that's their attitude, organise the wedding, however you like (it's YOUR wedding,after all :) ), give them their invite and say "It's only so you know what date to put on your Inability To Attend, seeing as its all too hard for you to be there for me when I need you."
Will they be too "embarrassed" to be good grandparents when your child arrives?
Light and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): You seem to have answered your own question by saying that as you are paying for your own wedding then you do deserve your own wedding, as you are paying. And I agree wholehearted with that. But then what advice are you actually asking for if you've already made up your mind and seem to have answered your own problem? I fail to see the issue here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Why is the OP so angry? Had you specified this information to begin with then people would have known who was paying and answered accordingly. I don't think it is fair to rant at people who have given answers if you have only given partial information- how can you expect us to know how the wedding is funded? And funding is always a massive issue where weddings are concerned, and in this question definitely has a large bearing on the advice given. If you didn't give this a thought before posting then surely it is a bit much to then come on here and have a go at people.
Having said that, if you are the one paying for your own wedding, I fail to see what your problem is. I assume you have sat your parents down and told them what you have put on here before turning to an internet chat forum. What did they say? You are in your twenties, and you are having a baby. Why can you not just plan the wedding you want?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 June 2010):
So if you are the one who pays for the wedding,... where's the problem please? Do as you like, end of the story.
Make your own choices and do not expect or demand or insist that your choices should please anybody else than yourself.
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A
female
reader, babymama2be +, writes (3 June 2010):
babymama2be is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow. Thanks to those of you who actually have helpful advice. And to those of you who think I'm trying to run around playing with my "daddy's" money, thanks for nothing. How rude to assume that I would expect my parents to pay for something that is my responsibility. I am paying for my own wedding, and I DO *deserve* the wedding of my dreams, because if I'm buying it, that's what I'm getting.
You know what? I'm sorry I wasted my time on this site only to be told that I'm a spoiled little brat who my parents should be embarassed of.
Some advice givers you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): What do you mean when you say "I still deserve the wedding of my dreams."? What have you done to deserve it? Doesn't everyone have to tailor their wedding to their own life and do what is best and most appropriate?
To be honest, that little sentence sounds a bit like you are throwing a tantrum because your parents won't cough up, even though you think you "deserve" it? Are they going to be paying?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Please can you tell us who is going to pay for the wedding? This will help us make more relevant answers, although I have to agree with those who have already posted who say
1) If you pay then you can do what you like
2) If you are expecting your parents to cough up then you can't have it both ways, ie. you can't buck tradition and have a baby first, and THEN expect the wedding of your dreams. You do it the traditional way in both senses, ie. big wedding then a baby, or you do it according to your circumstances, ie. baby first, marriage second, but not expecting it to be everyrthing you always dreamed of. Considering that you and your bf will have a baby by then, surely, as someone else has said, a day to celebrate your love for your partner really seems a bit late in the day and an afterthought. With the baby in the picture already surely it just becomes an excuse for you to dress up and have fun at your parents' expense?
Anyway, obviously if you have the money to pay then you can disregard all that last paragraph! But can you let us know about who's paying as that will help us give better answers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Sorry to say this, but your parents are right.
If my daughter can wear white at her wedding, I'm paying for the best day of all our lives. If not, then, go to a justice of the peace (or a ship's captain).
You shouldn't have spread your legs before your were married, and now your parents are embarressed by you, and justifyably so. Just go off and get married in a court. Then if it still is working 5 years from now, then you can have a 'big dream' wedding (anniversery) that you wanted but threw away.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (3 June 2010):
There are many pregnant couples getting married and even some carrying a child on their wedding day. It is the norm these days to see such weddings.
I am sorry about your parent's decision.I hope they will change their mind and give you your dream wedding.
It's very sad when it should be your happiest day. If you are not asking more than they can afford,it is a reasonable request.
If your parents are not willing to give you the dream wedding , you will have to discuss it with your soon to be husband and leave your parents out of it.
If the groom cannot afford ,you may have to postpone it later until you have the funds .
You can either have a simple wedding now and maybe later down the road when you have the financial means ,you can hold your dream wedding anniversary.
Congratulations to you ! Let nothing stand in your way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): From you age I guess you won't be using your parents' money to get married with. If this is the case then just get married when you want to. Don't rush into for your parents' sake, especially if you are holding the purse strings.
If, however, you are having to rely on them for money when you do get married, then I think you have to take some heed about what they have to say. I mean, you say you want a big party to celebrate the love for your partner, but isn't the ultimate expression of that love the fact that you are having a baby with him? What does a big wedding matter when compared to a beautiful new baby? In which case, perhaps you need to look at your priorities as well, BUT, this is only on the proviso that you need their cash. As I said before, if you are paying then yes, go for the big party when you feel you are ready.
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A
female
reader, piccola +, writes (3 June 2010):
seriously guys? she hasn't said she wants an 'all out party extravaganza' it is possible to have a romantic wedding on a budget. and C. Grant, your rationalization of her parent's views on marriage is illogical! they arn't viewing her wedding as anything more than a way to cover up was they perceive as an embarrassed mistake.
i think that the asker here has a better idea of what a wedding should be about. you should marry someone because you love them and want to spend your lives together, not because you are having a baby.
dear babymama2be i think the only thing you can do is explain to them your motivation for the wedding. tell them that the only reason you are marrying your guy is because you know you want to be with him forever, and it has nothing to do with the pregnancy. tell them you will only have one wedding, so you want to do it properly.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (3 June 2010):
 Life never promised you what you want, when you want it. If you're not paying for the wedding yourself, the best you can do is try to talk them over. Just say the things you've said here - but remember you're not 'entitled' to anything. No one is.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 June 2010):
To be fair, I do think this is more about your parents not wanting an unwed pregnant daughter than it is the money and such. So in that respect, I'm sorry. But if I've learnt one thing about life (and I'm your age), it's that no one deserves anything. You either earn it, or occasionally you get lucky.
I guess on this occasion you've been a little unlucky in timing, and your parents (notably your father) just want you to rush it for the sake of it. That's not the best way to start a marriage.
So I think unless your parents help you, or your boyfriend's parents do, then it's very much a case of you saving and waiting. Don't try to blackmail them, or beg or anything like that. Just tell them you will not rush into a shotgun wedding and that if you have to save and wait a little longer, you'll do that. Prove to them you don't need their backing. Not easy, I know. But if you want that lovely wedding, you'll have to work for it a bit more by yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I understand where C. Grant is coming from. But in this case it sounds like the parents' unwillingness to get the wedding going is mostly about her pregnancy.
To the original poster, here is what I would do. It's harsh but it might get something done:
If you're not far enough along yet to be showing, then maybe you should go tell your parents, "Well I got an abortion. NOW can we have a decent public wedding?"
When they come down off the ceiling, let them stew in that for a few days or even a few weeks. See what they think of your wedding plans after they don't expect you to have a visible belly bulge anymore. Then tell them the abortion story was a lie to force the issue about what their priorities really are.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 June 2010):
I guess it all depends on who's gonna pay.If it's you and your bf,- go ahead and organize the wedding you want, it's your wedding day after all.If you expect your parents to pay- well, it is understandable that they are reluctant to shell out a lot of cash for a social occasion that will make them uncomfortable. Maybe they feel it is in bad taste to have a bride in a white virginal gown- showing a pregnant belly. Maybe they do not want to draw the attention of their relatives on the fact that they are becoming in laws and grandparents nearly at the same time.It is quite old fashioned, I agree- but hey you can't ask people to pay for something they are not totally happy or convinced about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Wow. Can't disagree with the last dude more than I am now. He is a male, however, so maybe he doesn't get it.Women don't want crazy party weddings, they want a nice beautiful, tame and romantic event with flowers and pretty dresses and smiles. They don't want booze and flashing lights and crazy dancing and shit. Women start dreaming about their wedding as soon as they realize they might get married one day, AKA when they're like 2 or 3 years old.I don't see in her words he saying any of the stuff that you claimed, C. Grant. She probably planned to have a real wedding long before she met the man of her dreams, and now her parents are dismissing it. They aren't viewing marriage as a solemn exchange of serious vows here. They are ashamed by the fact they have a pregnant daughter who is unwed. They are, in fact, throwing away all meaning and romance that go with marriage and are telling her to just elope and get some shitty shot gun wedding done so that they can save face. And she never said she expected them to pay- she just said they were dismissing her ideas and not supporting her.Now, on to you.. Have you ever discussed with your parents having a wedding or whatever? Have they agreed to prior plans before the incident? Try and hold them to any of that stuff. Tell them that you are still their daughter and don't want to start your potential life-long relationship in the same way people do when they are hiding their love or running away from something. You want to celebrate the start of your new life, you don't want to shun it just because you made a "mistake". In all honesty, tell them what you've said to us here.. And make sure to push how important it is to you. If they truly care about your happiness, they will support you.. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 June 2010):
 I guess I’m not clear here. Your parents want you to be married. And you think that being ‘married’ means something more than exchanging vows. You think that being married involves a big extravaganza, at your parents’ expense. You want an all out party wedding, no questions asked.
All-out weddings cost many thousands of dollars, and that’s what you’re saying you’re somehow entitled to. Whereas for your parents, a wedding was a solemn ceremony of marriage vows that dedicated them to a future together, including, perhaps, children.
You are entitled to nothing more than your family’s support as you go through life. You are *not* entitled to some great party with a big-deal dress and all that. The fact that you’re pregnant seems to mean to your parents that the big party and the white dress aren’t on. Live with it. And grow up. You made your decision, and that cut you off from Daddy’s cheque book.
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