A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. For the first three months after the break we still saw a lot of each other, as friends, but we were still very close. I've just found out that he has been sleeping with someone since we broke up and I've had to end our relationship. I am in so much pain. I love him so much and I want him to realise what's he lost. I gave him an ultimatum - try again with me or we never see each other again. And he chose not to try again.I am devastated. I want him back so much. He was my life and I know that deep down he still loves me but is so infatuated with this 'pretty, sexy' new girl that that means more to him than getting back with me. I don't want to get over him, I want to BE with him.I know I have to go 'cold turkey'. I've removed him on facebook and deleted all his numbers. But it's been three days now since the ultimatum and i'm still expecting him to call me and say it was all a mistake. Every time I check my phone and he hasn't called I imagine him with her, having sex with her in his bed, in his room that is full of stuff I gave him over the years. I feel so hurt and betrayed. He told me he just likes her because she's pretty and will have sex with him, and that he has nothing in common with her. I'm his best friend and we were together for so long, what's wrong with me??I'm going to a gig on Thursday and he also has tickets. I'm so worried he will bring her to it. Even if he doesn't I will probably see him there, or even worse he won't turn up and I will spend the entire evening looking for him. I want to go to show that I'm not going to stop myself having a life because of him.How can I make him realise that he has made a mistake?
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female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (12 November 2010):
Hello.
I know it's hard but you are going to have to accept that he is with someone else now.
It might be that his reaction to your ultimatum is really a blessing and you'll get to see this. You have been emotionally treading water - neither going forwards and neither going backwards.
YOU broke up with him and the two of you decided to remain friends. On discovering he started a new relationship, the green-eyed monster of jealousy exploded (why..YOU broke up with him?). You then ended your friendship and demanded he return to you or else. He chose or else. No-one likes to be bossed around. Could it be that you don't really want him but you can't stand the idea of HIM wanting someone else?
How exactly has he betrayed you? News Flash - single man dates single girl - shock horror! When you broke up he no longer 'belonged' to you. Do you understand that? There is no betrayal. What was the alternative? He was to remain single for the rest of his life?
As for going out to a gig and will spend time looking for him...you say he has an infatuation? I think you are bordering on an obsession. You must let this go.
Go out with your g/fs, find a counsellor, take up any kind of hobby but stop this now.
The very, very best of luck to you.xx
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
 If you wanted to be with him you shouldn't have broken it off. If there was something bad enough with the relationship for you to be willing to break it off, then this relationship was on its last legs anyway.
Move on and learn from your mistake here. Breaking up with someone isn't a way to win them over or make them change. It's just a way to drive you apart.
Grieve the relationship. It is over.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (10 November 2010):
 ps thewalkin'dude's answer is a very good answer and she sounds like that is the most likely answer if its anything like the situation i mentioned about myself.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (10 November 2010):
sorry to be so harsh but
1) you dumped him, he may still be hurt
2) he's single, and can go off with whoever he likes - she may be a rebound - his way of getting over you?
why did you dump him if he was your world? think about the reasons you guys split up.
this is not a very nice situation for you to be in, i know because im in a similar situation but on your ex/boyfriends position. - except iv been asking for her back, but been getting attached to a girl because im a little lost. your ultimatum would sound like a "go away" signal.
people will probably tell you: you made your bed now sleep in it, i sympathise with you, but focus on the reasons u guys split.
my ex gf, still has a chance with me, if she gets in there soon enough. but im not going to wait around to be hurt again - sounds callous, but im guessing ur ex/boyfriend felt the same
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): You can't because it is you that is mistaken. He chose to never see you again after you gave him an ultimatum, but in fact your ultimatum was worthless because you're now planning on tracking him down.
Deep down he loves you? So why did he choose another girl over you then?
There's nothing wrong with you as a person, the simple fact is he doesn't love you and is now pursuing a relationship with another girl. You love him and want to be with him so you're crushed and grasping at straws. Thursday is going to be a very bad night for you. It's going to be painful no matter what happens but frankly I think the best thing that could is he brings her with him. I know you're thinking that's the worst but it's not you need to see them together, you need to see that he's moving on so you can move on, because at the moment you have no intention of doing so. At the moment you think she's just a fling and he loves and will come back. But you've been broken up 3 months and he's seeing someone else so that's never going to happen.
You need to get rid of your false hope so you can start moving on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): There's nothing wrong with you, people break up, it happens. You can't make him do anything and might have just have to accept that he's moved on. You could be right about him just choosing her because he finds her attractive then again maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and enjoy being single again, which is what this new girl represents.
You did the right thing by deleting his number etc... but don't waste anymore time sitting by the phone, hoping he'll call because it will just make it harder. Try and keep busy, go out with friends and do things you enjoy. In a few weeks or months MAYBE he will call and realise he misses you but you're going to have to accept that he might not.
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