A
male
age
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*oomintroll
writes:Hi allNew to this, but here goes. I've been married 14 years, and have a 16 year old daughter with my wife. (We were together about six years before we married). Over many years despite functioning very well as parents our couple relationship deteriorated. My wife gave up work when I got a promotion and then constantly picked at me about things like not doing enough in the house - even though I cooked two or three nights a week, picked up a hoover from time to time etc. She could be very controlling and had a difficult relationship with our daughter - and seemed to feel excluded by my very close relationship with her. Sex faded away and then dried up completely for about two years.Then this April I met a woman on a work trip who was also in an unhappy marriage. We spent a night together and knew at once it was more than just release of sexual frustration - there was a powerful connection. Even though she lives in another country, we agreed to meet again - her work takes her to the UK quite often - and embarked on a passionate affair, with texts, IM chat, phonecalls and occasionally meeting for wonderful but brief times together. Then in late June my wife challenged me over whether I was having an affair: she actually thought it was with a close female colleague, but I confessed as I never really felt comfortable leading a double life (unlike my lover). There then followed an agonising couple of weeks where I couldn't bear to leave my lover or to leave my home/family - until my lover made the decision for me and ended it. I stayed in a separate room for a few weeks more, then agreed to go to couple counselling and moved back in the marital bed. On the surface all looked great - we resumed a good sex life, spent time together apart from our daughter, my wife made a real effort to change the behaviours that contributed to our drifting apart (and btw I know I did things to cause that too - especially reacting by becoming emotionally withdrawn). But I still painfully missed my love, and even got into some heavy flirting with a woman I'd nearly had an affair with some time ago. Then while I was away on another work trip out of the blue I got a mysterious e-mail from my ex-lover - even though we'd agreed not to communicate. I thought there might be some emergency so replied, but at once began to fantasise that she wanted me back, and KNEW that I would go back. As it turned out what she wanted was for me to return gifts etc to her to help her "closure" - which was very hurtful, but has actually helped me see that things probably wouldn't have worked with us regardless of the practical difficulties and to recognise a degree of self-centredness in her that I don't much like.So now I really feel I am over my lover, and yet I am constantly agonising over whether I can really feel what I need to for my wife to be fully committed. Partly I feel that perhaps we drifted apart so much for so long that something died in me that can't be reborn. Or maybe the fact that I ended up staying with her because I was paralysed with indecision rather than because I made a conscious choice is eating away at my certainty. I know one or two close friends/family members I have confided in think it will never be right and I should give up now. And at times that seems self-evident to me; at other times it seems utter madness to leave someone who loves me, to leave a home I value and to not be there 24/7 for my wonderful daughter. A separation period to get my head together is another option, but my wife would I'm sure see it as just a staging post to leaving her.Sorry this is such an epic account! This is the stuff going round in my head most days, affecting my work and health - I need some peace, but not at the expense of taking an easy option that I later regret. Any thoughts/suggestions/kicks up backside warmly welcomed!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Please do not turn out to be one of those selfish b*****ds who take take take, use, use ,use their wives and then destroy her life totally without a moments notice. In essence you are saying you have made up your life. I want to also say something that you may find offensive: your daughter is not your wife. You chose to have a relationship with your daughter at the expense of your wife. I have seen so many marriage fall on the way side because one parent favours their kid at the expense of their spouse. I think you need to realise that it must have been very hard for your wife to watch you bonding with your daughter and not her. People do not realise that the hieracy is as follows: either your hb/wife THEN kids, not the other way around. So if you have almost made up your mind please do the only honorable thing and tell your wife. At least give her the opportunity to get a life (even if it means without you).I am amazed that you think you are such a good hb to your wife. You need to perhaps re evaluate your contribution to this mess.I am glad your married lover decided to have a final break from you. At least she made a decision and she stuck to it.Now all you have to do is end your marriage.preferably before Xmas.LoveGirl
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I see the problem now. This is a delicate matter, your relationship is a brittle carving that took two devoted spouses weeks to mold and shape. Even a step in the wrong direction could cause everything to break.
She has changed for you. Separation would give her reason to doubt herself and that in turn may cause old behaviors to resurface and gnaw at your relationship once more. And then there is the matter of your daughter. How would she handle such a separation?
What about intimacy? When you hold her or kiss her, do you feel a faded pulse of what was once love so long ago? Talk to each other, calmly and respectfully. Be explicit in your perspective and allow her to be detailed with hers. If you are able to do that for each other, there is no reason why you have to separate at all. But, of course, if talking does not help, I suppose the only choice would be to separate. Know first that you can only do that if you know you will not cheat again for that would only serve to further complicate things and ruin any hope of peace.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Moomintroll +, writes (11 November 2010):
Moomintroll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that. I think the nub of the matter is that I'm not sure I DO love her in the way that's needed for a lifetime commitment. In the timing running up to the affair to be honest I don't think I did - the lack of respect she showed me just wore that away, on top of personality clashes between us. I wonder now whether I stayed with her for years when I wasn't really happy out of concern for my daughter and my own fear of the huge changes that leaving would entail. I want to be sure now - as sure as is ever possible - that I'm staying because of her alone, regardless of anything or anyone else. My daughter will probably have left home for Uni in less than two years - I don't want then to discover I just can't be happy with my wife when it's just the two of us. That's what drives the thought of a controlled and agreed period of separation - it would give us the chance to focus just on what we want from our relationship and potentially to properly fall back in love again. But perhaps there are ways to achieve some of that thinking space without a full separation? Anyway, given me meore to think about, so again thanks.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (10 November 2010):
It is madness to leave all of that behind. Right now you have everything in its place and aside from your emotional trauma, everything is as it should be. Go to couple's counseling or personal counseling to get your mind straight because you cannot ruin something that has just healed.
Perhaps spending more time with each other will ressurect that small thing that died within you. The inverse of what had happened so long ago. You have found peace again, all you need to do is grasp it. We all have a moment in our lives, moments that seem to point in a malevolent direction whilst other moments lead us to believe in a brighter future. We cannot focus on one. Live in the good moments and strive through the bad ones. You love your wife do you not? She loves you and your daughter loves you. Do not throw that away because of doubts.
I hope that helps.
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