A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 yr old female, and he is 29. We loved each other soo much for 9 months, and we decided to get married. We are both from a very conservative background, and so we decided to tie the knot only if our parents agree 100%, else we should split. Cause we both couldnt bear to see parents cry for our loves sake.Unfortunately, no matter how hard i tried, my parents hated my b/f and stricly said NO to marry him :( I fought much, but in vain :( It pained! And, i had no choice, other than to call it off. We mutually parted. Both Me and my b/f struggled soo much to accept reality initially, but as days went by, i learnt to accept reality and move on. But my b/f still keeps showing his love for me, and he is just not willing to let go, although he knows that we CANNOT take this forward. He is finding it soo hard to accept reality, and he keeps crying. Although i told him many times that it is OVER and to carry on, he keeps sulking!I still love him so much and I wanted to help him move on, so i started being harsh to him. I said things that hurt him even though i love him.. I pretended to be hard hearted and said - "i dont care for him, and i have moved on and i am being happy now", which makes him cry more. And i think that i am doing the right thing, so that, at least by being hurt , he can hate me.. forget me, and move on with life. Also, him showing his love, is not helping me also to move on! Am i doing the right thing here??? How to help him and myself here? plsss....i feel that if he keeps doing this, both of us will be stuck, and we wont be able to find other partners for ourselves :( :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): you love him, he loved u. for god sake.. get together.. love may only come to you once.. grab it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): this "no contact" tactic you ladies think is so gospel and great is infuriating and even tragic to a man. You are saving him NO pain. Y'all just don't happen to KNOW about it because you have elected to become willingly IGNORANT to his state of mind. Y'all see it as a clean break, we see it as y'all being too cowardly to speak to us face to face, or even phone to phone, and not knowing why. Far more kind is a calm, measured conversation of some sort that gives him your reasons of why, whatever they may be, and that you desire him to leave you alone from then on cause it just won't work, and if he truly loves as he says he loves you he will leave you alone. That's the mature way. But whatever, sorry that just bugs me. Moving on.Cultural differences here.But naturally I counsel the drastic. 'Tis part of my experience, that if you don't take chances or risks in life, you will end up on the sidelines watching life pass you by. The same applies here. If you truly love this boy, you will find a way to be with him. You cannot please everyone as you live your life, this includes your parents sometimes too.is your love for this guy strong enough to completely throw your life into upheaval? Which is what it would take. Sacrifices, big sacrifices, would need to be made to be with this guy. Its my opinion that you aren't willing to make them at this time.Your tactic of making him think you hate him is..in a word? just ineffective. That's not going to help him move on at all! He's gonna always be stuck on WHY you hate him, and HOW you went from this deep love to sheer and utter hate. Men are very much so centered on How, Why, What, Where, and When. If you throw off their surety in these key concepts in their life with all this contrary behavior, it will only cause confusion for them, which prolongs their pain. A clear explanation and challenge to his love for you would work FARRR better. If you want to be through of him, Say "I don't hate you, but this just won't work. This situation is making me miserable, if you REALLY do love me you will move on and let me do the same."That challenges his love for you...And threatens you losing faith in his love for you if he continues to bother you. Guarantee you, if you truly want someone that loves you gone, that's what will work. K, Gl
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A
female
reader, BeachBum  +, writes (17 May 2009):
I'm not sure if I understand entirely where you coming from, and I know things are done differently in India than they are in the U.S. so please don't take offense to what I have to say. Clearly he still loves you and wants to be with you. Unfortunately it's not something you can just turn off and that you were able to must be hurting him so much more. I don't think anything you say or do will make him hate you or forget about you even though from how you're treating him, you don't deserve anything he has to offer you. You should ask yourself if you really love or loved him and if you still do. Maybe ask yourself why you're so willing to move on too. If you decide that you really do love him and want to be with him, maybe you should go talk to your parents and ask them why they made the decision they made and tell them how you really feel about him. Maybe they'll be understanding and if you don't get married now, that doesn't mean you can't still be together as b/f and g/f and see how things progress. But if you decide you don't and didn't have feelings for him, you need to tell him that and stop leading him on. You're only causing him pain that he doesn't deserve. Stop living a pretend life and decide who you want to be and be honest with yourself, him, and your family.
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A
male
reader, Prophet7 +, writes (16 May 2009):
You have to live your life for you and not your parents. Your bf loves you deeply and would do anything to keep your love and relationship alive. He wanted to marry you and probably still does, those emotions don't just disappear at the flip of a switch. Are you ready to sacrifice your happiness to make your parents happy? If you are you're gonna have a long miserable time on this planet. Do you want to move on and find someone else or do you want to marry your love? Don't try to make him hate you, I played those games up until I was 19 and realized it's the wrong thing to do and it's a coward way out. If you ever loved him tell him the truth. Tell him he can find a woman who will love him so much she will not let anything block their love. She will love him unconditionally for who he is. I did this with every girl I had ever hurt by trying to make them hate me so they could move on. I called all of them and told them how dope they were but I wasn't ready for serious relationships when they were and I acted immature. This actually gave them the closure they needed to feel good about themselves and move on because now they knew it ended because I was screwed up at the time and not them. Rejection sucks when it comes from the ones you love most so treat him better than you have been, you did love him and wanted to marry so have some compassion for him because his heart is broken. If he's a good guy really think about what you're doing, you could regret your decision. Make sure the breakup is what you want and not the wishes of your parents. I think at 24 and 29 you two are old enough to figure out what you want to do and don't need parents to hold your hands and "yay or nay" your life plans. The big question is "WHAT DO YOU WANT"? Hope my advice helps you. God Bless... Prophet7
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): Have you ever heard of NC (no contact rule)? It's a healthy way to make a clean break. Also, with the next guy, maybe you should have your parents date him first and not get involved until you get the green light from them. You may not be as in love but they will and you'll spend the rest of your life making them and everyone else happy- you may be miserable though.
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A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (16 May 2009):
This sounds like the first half of Romeo and Juliet. Firstly, i am aware that things are different in india compared to Britain (where i live and parents have no say in boy/girlfriends), but i just want you to know, parents choosing boyfriends is a stupid idea because they wont take love into consideration, they will choose someone like they choose cars or computers, it wont be about love, itll be about functionality (is he from the right cast, does he earn enough money...). I dont think you should just accept it so easily. Although i understnad you are in a difficult position and fear being cut off by them. But make sure they know that by stopping you from being with him, they are taking away your hapiness, and parents who love their children should want them to be happy. Parents who want trophy children to show off to the community dont care about their children in the same way we dont care about cars.
"Cause we both couldnt bear to see parents cry for our loves sake." This statement is insane, whats more important, making your parents happy, or being happy yourself. Its meant to be your life, not theirs. Marrying outside of the indian community is something they can get over, a life without love is not something people get over.
I apologies for not helping you with your dilemma, i realise that disobeying parents is tough and could disown you. I dont expect you to run away with him, i just want you to know how important it is to choose your own boyfriend and how boring life can be when parents arrange a marriage to some one you have no feeling for.
I just reread the post and noticed you mentioned fighting your parents on the issue, which is what ive been trying to convince you to do, which you already have tried. My final thought on the topic is, they may not be happy with any of your choice of boyfriends, so you may have to choose between their happiness and yours at some point. And if you are not going to fight, then you should just not contact him at all, dont respond to his messages. May be one day, if he still isnt over you and your circumstances change, you could be together (im an optimist and a romantic at heart).
I wish you a happy, stress free, love filled life.
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