A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is finding out all about my past relationships and what i've done. these things im not proud of at all and i honestly don't have a reason why i did the things i did. he always gets mad at me whenever he remembers something he was once told, or if some jerk decides to butt in and tells him. he told me he won;t break up with me over the past but he always gets mad. the other night he kept telling me to tell him why i did all these things to my past ex but i havent done it with him yet. he wants a explanation why i did it. but i dont have one. i did it because i was either drunk, high, or tricked by being sweet talked. i was used in my past relationships. i am in love with my boyfriend and it hurts to see that he is hurt over my past. what should i do or say to him to get him off of the pst and in the present.
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): thank you everybody this helped me (: karma- thanks your answer really did help. i know he is hurt over it. & most of the time i sit down beside him and keep him looking at me. this way he is calmer and it doesnt turn into a fight.
A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (17 June 2010):
 This absolutely *is* your problem (mostly your boyfriend's, but also yours, IF you love him), and I disagree with all of the other posters. The worst thing you can do is "start being a bit angry." That will just make him more hurt and angry in turn. If you want to end the relationship, take that advice. If you don't, instead, talk to him about it. Calmly. Also insist that he be calm; if he cannot talk to you nicely about it, or always becomes angry, you (and he) won't get anywhere, and perhaps your should end the relationship. You both have to be cool. Then, you can talk - why does it bother him? What is he jealous of? What, if anything, does he feel could make it better? You don't know why you did those things, and that's fair enough, I believe you, why doesn't he? He isn't believing you because in his mind those things were much more meaningful than they were for you (most likely) - you can also talk about why this is so. I am very bothered by things my wife has done in the past, and we have suffered a lot because of it. It is a very similar situation; she has a lot of things that she just says "I don't know why." Truth is, through talking and being calm, we've figured out why, and also figured out why I don't need to care about why. But if she just left me hanging, or just got mad at me, we would have divorced. And I love her. I'm glad she cared enough to stop being mad at me and talk to me. For many people, their partner's past is a big issue. It certainly is for me, and it was not until I felt that my wife cared about me enough to not just "dismiss" the issue (much like these other posters are doing) that I felt cared for and understood. Men also have hearts. (!) Best of luck, you may PM me if you would like.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): I sympathize with his position but I do not respect how he is dealing with it. The past is the past, no better and no worse. You are responsible for your past actions today but it does not take away your right to be respected today.
If you have not told your BF any lies about the past and you have not told him more than he asked to know, then that is all you owe him. Now it's his problem to either accept you unconditionally or break up.
...............................
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (17 June 2010):
 Say him...past is dead. say him reason, that no one's mind can judge in advance that something is unworkable. That which is unworkable is dead. So, do not punish present over dead issues. Ask him to judge your present loving state of heart. Loving heart can bring all spiritual wealth, but ask him, do not worry for past, and live with present.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 June 2010):
Stop being hurt that HE is hurt, and start being a bit angry. I've read post after post on this site about women who have pasts, and their boyfriends can't handle it even though they've asked. Everyone comes with a past, like it or not. That's why is best never to know, other than to be sure that your partner is STD free. Your boyfriend isn't listing to you at all. Not one bit. You have your explanation. You made some mistakes because of the way you acted, and you regret them. You owe him no more explanation than that at all. Not one bit. He's been asking around after your past, and now he can't handle it. That's not your problem. That's his. And you need to tell him that. Stop letting him get to you. You've made your mistakes and you're coming to terms with them. He's dragging them up even though you've told him why you did it. If he continues to bring it up, then end it and find a guy who isn't so insecure. You don't owe him any explanation. He has it, now he has to come to terms with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (17 June 2010):
I feel for you i really do. I think you have to explain to him that you regret the things you've done in the past and that they really shouldnt be an issue as they are in the past and it should be whats happening now and whats in your future thats important. Tell him how much it upsets you that he sees this as a problem and that hasnt everyone done something they've regretted, i'm sure he's had a few as well. I hope it works out for you x
...............................
|
