A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can someone, anybody tell me why me and my boyfriend argue constantly about evry little thing possible? and when were in the middle of an argument he'll bring up how us arguing reminds him of how his past relationship with his ex girlfriend was. He brings his ex up alot when were arguing. To me thats irrelevant when its suppose to be about us arguing not his ex girlfriend. i need someones advice? please help me...
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank y0u t0 th0se wh0ve helped me 0n my situation.
i really appreciate all the time u t00k t0 give me the advice i needed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Mentioning the ex sounds like classic reverse psychology to me. You are arguing quite a bit by the sounds of things. This probably makes you both feel very insecure, criticized, and possibly a bit unwanted. He therefore brings up an instance of a woman who liked him to make himself feel better, and to remind you that he is attractive and 'in demand'. It's a way for him to assert his ego, and to diminish you by making you feel insecure, like you don't 'measure up' to his past experiences.
There are good ways of arguing and making a point, and bad ways. This is an example of a very bad way! All it does it to express his insecurity, and make you feel as if you're being unfavourably compared to an ex, which leaves neither of you feeling good. Good arguments, or discussions, are those in which we listen to the other person and resolve situations in a spirit of compromise - and I bet the last thing you feel like doing after hearing all about his fantastic ex is compromising!!
It sounds as though you both may need to develop a way of dealing with your issues that doesn't involve this mutually destructive pattern. You seem to have good instincts: your tactic when dealing with this situation is to focus on the actual problem between you and resolve it, cutting out any extraneous stuff, like whatever might or might not have happened with an ex. You're completely right that bringing up the past simply acts as a distraction, making the argument last longer and become more bitter. When other issues start getting dragged into a disagreement, an argument becomes a wide-ranging mud-flinging exercise that helps no-one.
Next time he does it, I would take a 'time out' on the argument. Allow yourself to calm down completely. Then try to go to him with a view of talking about the way that you are arguing. Tell him that you hate the constant bickering, and that you'd like to get to a place where you're not sniping at each other all the time, because you really care about each other. Explain to him that you are worried by his constant mentioning of his ex - not because it hurts you, but because you think it's a sign that he feels insecure and feels the need to affirm himself around you. Make sure he understands that you're not laughing at him for being insecure, but are genuinely concerned about why he might feel that way.
Tell him that even though he winds you up and makes you frustrated at times, you still care for him deeply, and that he doesn't need to bring up his ex to make you realize that he's an attractive guy. Allow him to talk about why he does this if he needs to explain. Then explain that what is happening is between the pair of you and has nothing to do with your past relationships and that constantly bringing other people into the discussion will never help you resolve it and move forward. Since you're essentially criticizing him and asking him to stop doing something, you need to be careful that you don't hurt his feelings, so keep stressing that you want to move forward because you really like him, think he's a wonderful boyfriend, and want to spend a long time together etc. etc. etc.
What you're trying to do here is to take the heat out of the substance of the argument by getting each other to reflect on the style, i.e. the way you communicate when angry, in a manner that isn't critical of each other but an attempt to find a new way forward. A good starting place is to get agreement on some basics: I'm sure he doesn't want to argue any more than you do, so you can agree on that for a start! If he can agree not to bring up his ex, maybe there's something you can agree to in return, so there are no 'winners' and 'losers' in the situation - just two people starting to communicate and get along a little better.
I hope that you can figure things out together. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 June 2010):
If he's bringing up his ex, then maybe he still has something for her. He shouldn't be bringing her up at all, especially when you're in an argument about something that affects only you two. And if you're arguing a lot, then it's a sign that you either need to really sit down and talk about where this is going, or end it.
...............................
|
