A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know xmas is a few months away but its already causing me stress!I met my boyfriend at uni on the first day, two years ago and we've lived together since. A few weeks into our relationship i met his parents who live in the London area and later in our relationship he met my mum who lives an hour out of london. We visit our parents alot and always go together we see his parents more as they live in London which can be annoying, but i think thats because im not related to them and they get on my nerves, i used to love them but over time i've got to know them, his mum does nothing and his dad is very attached to my boyfriend and makes him feel guilty sometimes. Anyway for the past two years we have been apart at xmas as he is from London and i am from the country, and i get so upset, but this year we have decided we want to be together, but dont know how to be? I want to be with my mum and boyfriend. Me and my mum a very close as my dad died when i was four and i'm an only child, so my mum has no one except her parents, however my mum says 'do what you like this xmas you should be with your boyfriend' i know she means it but i cant stand the thought of her being alone at xmas.My boyfriends parents never say anything like that, they are determined they will be with their son at xmas even though his mum has two grown up sons from a previous relationship that they could go and see and they have each other unlike my mum! I know if my bf says he wants to be with me and my mum at xmas his dad will make him feel guilty!We have come up with a few ideas:1. my mum suggested we all go out for lunch on xmas day but bf's parents dont want to do that.2. Bf's parents have suggested we all go over to them for xmas...but their house is massive, victorian, leaking and half falling down which isn't very pleasant.3. we all stay at me and my bf's flat but its too smallI think our parents get on ok, i know my mum finds them quite loud and gets a bit annoyed with my bf's mum because she does nothing...I just dont know what to do? Ideal situation for me is for my bf to come over to my mums and we have xmas there while his parents go and see one of their other sons....help....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011):
A)Both go to your own family for Xmas. Enjoy to the max.Its only one or 2 days and you have new years eve to celebrate together
B)Go away, stop in a B&B, the 2 of you, see everyone when you get back
(I reckon your mum should go to theirs to be honest,accept their invite, a falling down leaky house adds character to Xmas)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 My solution would be to celebrate your Christmas with him on New Years Eve and leave the family celebrations to the family for now. If you remain together, and become a firmly established couple after uni, then you can alternate Christmases.
Second solution is to spend some time with one family, then commute the hour between them to the other family.
I have to point out that you are thinking only about yourself and your comfort level. You don't get to decide for his parents whether or not they wish to spend Christmas with their son. "Ideal situation for me is for my bf to come over to my mums and we have xmas there while his parents go and see one of their other sons." That's the ideal solution for YOU. Just because you don't like his mother and think his father plays the guilt card well doesn't really give you the right to decide if they are entitled to enjoy their son's company for Christmas.
Why do you get so upset if you are not with your boyfriend? That sounds a bit desperate and clingy. Maybe your mother would like you all to herself, as you spend every single other day with your boyfriend? Maybe she would enjoy the pleasure of your company, just the two of you, like it was before you went to uni?
Perhaps thinking about this from the standpoint of the other people involved would be a good exercise for you, okay? Good luck with deciding your course of action.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Solution 2 sounds good. Not perfect maybe, but... come on, you don't want to go there because the house is too Victorian ?? Flimsy excuse ! not everything can be exactly as you want it when you are looking for a compromise, and this is the compromise that 's fairest for everybody - everybody gets to be with their loved ones and nobody gets penalized.
Otherwise, just spend it apart as you did before. Xmas is not Valentine's day, it's about families being together, not boyfriends. And it only lasts 24 hours, it won't be the end of the world .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Ah, welcome to the world of in-laws....
Would it be possible to hold Christmas dinner at your apartment? I know you say it is small, but perhaps just dinner or maybe even brunch? It is too bad his parents will not do lunch out, that seems a very fair and logical suggestion.
Although you can't make your b/f spend Christmas with your mom at this point, if you do get more serious later then the families need to learn to share and join in some way.
I think you are wise to start considering this now, considering your situation.
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A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (14 September 2011):
I did have the same problem as you my bf's dad was up north and my mum in the south so each year we rotated who we stayed with one year my mum for Christmas and New Year with his dad the next year Christmas with dad and New Year with mum it kept everyone happy. Now its Christmas with my family and boxing day with his so my Christmas is spent with my kids every year and his parents every boxing day which they like, it helps them by spending Christmas with her mum in Devon.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 September 2011):
 The best plan to make sure you see everyone, is to spend half the Christmas day with your mom and the other half with his parents. You can't make your boyfriend spend Christmas with you and your mum. I'm sure he wants to spend time with his family that day too.
Or you can do Christmas Eve at their house, and spend Christmas day at your mom's.
If you make someone mad or upset, then tough. You're already being stretched thin enough, just make sure whatever the plan may be seems fair then carry on with it.
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