A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my ex and i recently had a baby things didnt work out and she moved in with another guy 3 weeks after moving out of my house some guy she had worked with the past 4 years. She told me they were just roomates but she recently told me they are dating. she is now calling me saying how much she misses me and how she cant stand living with him cause her heart is still mine. should i take her back because we have a child together and give things another shot or is the trust issue broken because now i think something might have been going on for the past 4 years with her and "her friend" from work please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): No don't take her back just because you have a child. If it weren't for the child would you take her back? No? then having a child with her shouldn't change that.Children are very perceptive to the relationships going on in their homes, it imprints on them for the rest of their lives how they will relate to people when they grow up. If the relationship between you and her is bad, this will profoundly affect your child in the future or even in the present (even babies can sense tension at home and may act out or be more anxious and harder to soothe). think also about the future stability of your household if you do take her back. If you were to break up again (and honestly it looks like your relationship has no foundation so if you get back together it's likely you'll break up again), every time there's a major upheaval to the child's life it could affect their developing personalities negatively. kids need stability, not chaos. But they also need more than that. Getting back together and being "stable" in the sense of continuing to live together for the long term but very unhappy with each other (like cheating on each other or arguing to being hostile to each other), is also not good for the child's development.what children need is not their two biological parents under the same roof. They need a stable but also loving, healthy functioning and supportive and caring household. They need adults who will be role models of love and happiness and positive energy. If that's not gonna happen between the two biological parents, then the biological family unit shouldn't be kept together simply due to the DNA ties, because it would be to the detriment of the child's development and the only one such a plan would benefit is yourself in a twisted way (so you can feel good about yourself for being so responsible and self-sacrificing for your child. Um, no. this is messed up thinking). so back to your relationship with your gf. If you would leave her if it wasn't for the child, then you should leave her even despite the child. And honestly from what you describe I think staying broken up is the best thing to do because your relationship was not stable. There's no reason to believe it will now be different. Your ex sounds like she was probably cheating on you. Even if she wasn't, you'll be driven crazy with suspicions and this will affect how you relate to her in a negative way. Also, she seems to not want you unless she has no one else. This is definitely not going to be a good relationship, and it will only last long enough for her to find a new guy.
A
female
reader, scrdofyou +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Do not listen to the nagativity here. You obviously trusted her enough to be with her for 4 years. Not to mention have a child with her. If this man has been a co worker for 4 years, chances are they have become close friends. Its only natural to develope a friendship. Ask her if anything went on. Trust her answer. Its only been a few weeks since she left, not months, years, etc. If you love her, toss out the negative and keep trying. Good luck
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 September 2011):
 No. The circumstances are fishy that she wants you back at the same time things are not working out with her BF.
If you have suspected there has been more going on in this relationship than friendship, insist on a DNA test.
DO NOT invite her back into your home. If you are the baby's Father, be the best Daddy ever and offer your financial support for the child.
If you ever have a chance to work out the relationship everything has to be brought to the light. The truth of the relationship, the confirmation of paternity, etc. She needs to get on HER own feet as an adult before you can take her seriously of her need of you and not just a place to stay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): I hate to say this but...have you had a paternity test done?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): DON'T take her back. She cheated on you. Are u certain the baby is yours? This is a very sensitive question but it needs to be asked.
She found out quickly the grass was not greener with her "friend" and now she is begging to come back. NO! U can still be a good dad to the baby but get rid of the ex once and for all.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Your ex. might be suffering from post natal depression, if she is it might have clouded her judgement when she moved in with her friend.Depression is a awful thing to go through and with a new baby to care for aswell is not easy.To get back together just because of the baby is not a good idea.Could you talk to her and ask her if she thinks she may have post natal depression.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): This is a hard question because it is very likely either way that something was going on during those years. But have been attraction and flirting only, and then when you broke up maybe she just decided to give him a chance. Although I find it hard to believe it was that innocent with her moving in with him so quickly... However, staying together for a child is not really the best thing for the child if there is a poor relationship between the parents. Children learn to be in relationships by observing their parents. Examples are children who witness abuse are more likely to grow up as victims or abusers. Children who witness cold distance and tension may have a harder time being open with others. And children who witness constant here and gone b/f and g/f relationships have trouble with commitment. There are exceptions, of course, but in general these lessons become hard wired into a child.So, if you don't love her, can't trust her, and think it will not be healthy relationship then, no. Don't do it. Set up reasonable parenting plan and visitations, etc. Be a part of your child's life as a good male role model, and be respectful of the child's mother (especially when the child is witnessing your interactions.) But don't be in a relatinship just for the fact that the child exists. If you love this woman and seriously want to try again and heal, then go to couple's therapy and work together as a team to heal.
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