A
female
age
36-40,
*RR
writes:A few years ago, I was involved in an unhealthy relationship. He cheatd on me, though I took him back only to have it happen again. I tried so hard but he just let me down, while trying to keep me running after him.I got out of there and got strong. I am now in a relationship with a lovely man. He is fantastic. He's never had a heartache before me, and has come into this relationship 'fresh' (i.e - he feels about love the way I used to in high school). He treats me like a true gentleman, he listens to me constantly, he's just perfect. I can't even explain it.My problem is, although I trust him fully, I have become needy of validation I suppose. I was constantly on my feet with the first guy, but this man is just so comfortable and in love with me, and I don't need to 'try' with him (though I look after myself!). I know he's not going to leave me, so why the hell do I automatically say negative things like, 'Are you sure you're not sick of me'? Hello, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! I know he wants to, but it's like my mouth says negative things when I'm actually feeling positive. I think subconsciously I think I deserve to be treated like crap! Like, "You're a man and all men cheat". How ridiculous! Therefore I want to improve my self esteem so I can enjoy my relationship to its fullest. I feel silly that I need advice when I have a great man, though I need help understanding myself.Does anybody have advice or their own story? It would be much appreciated!
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female
reader, happytobe  +, writes (5 June 2009):
 I know how you feel. I remember being so naive when it came to pain and heartbreak. Before my first heart break I trusted everyone. It didn't matter who you were or anything I didn't think one person could truly hurt another person. But I got in a "relationship" you can call it, full of trust in the person I was with. He cheated, he lied. I forgave. I was so young and just didn't think he meant me harm. Finally after all the crying and forgiving he came out of the blue and stopped talking to me. Point blank, that was it. My first summer break of highschool was spent in nothing but emotional pain, tears, wondering why? what had i done? The answer was nothing, I had done nothing wrong. I became cyncial, judgemental, sarcastic. Before I had been bubbly, excitable, the picture of pure happiness in a child. When it came time for sophmore year I had recuperated myself. I still wasn't the same though. Half way through Sophmore year I met a boy who I was instantly attracted to and intrigued by. He was everything that I used to be and missed being. He had never been hurt tragically, he was trusting, he was light and fun. We began to date and it was so easy for him to trust me, but I had some problems with trust. It is a long distance relationship, so you can understand how that made the situation worse. But eventually he just basically told me "I am not him. I will not be him. You have to trust me as an individual, give me my chance to prove myself to you. Have I treated you wrong or behaved like him before now? No, so there's no reason to think that." You basically just have to think that for yourself, he's an individual though other people have hurt you, you have to open your heart to him seperately. Give him his own space in there. If he is anything like my current boyfriend (yes, we're still dating all this time later. It's been totally worth it.) and he sounds like he is, then he won't let you down. I wish you so much luck in trusting him. If you can do this it will make him and you both so much happier.
A
female
reader, love-struckxo  +, writes (5 June 2009):
 I totally understand where your coming from. I have been in a few bad relationships myself in the past, but when I find myself happy and in a good relationship. I almost feel like I don't deserve it, and I have basically come to realize that when I feel like I don't deserve it - then I make myself do something not to deserve it.
It's a tough habit to kick, but I eventually found someone who helped me get through it.
My best advice for you is to just RELAX, this guy sounds like a great guy! As soon as you feel like you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship, the faster things will fall in its place for you.
Talk to your boyfriend and explain how you feel. I am sure he will be very understanding, and that will help ease your mind.
Last but not least, for god sakes, just let yourself be happy for once! You deserve it woman!
Good luck
xx
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A
female
reader, The Shadow's Tears +, writes (5 June 2009):
 Hello,
when you ask those questions, its not because you feel you should be cheated on. (though it may have something to do with the subconscious reasoning for it) i feel that you was reinsurance that he wont leave you, or wont want better.
i know you know he wont cheat on you, but subconsciously your mind will replay how you felt when you was cheated on, ands your instincts will take over.
i do this because i didnt have such a lovely past.
just keep it in your mind that hes not the same, hes different, and every time you feel the need to ask him those questions. remember that hes not the other guy. hes a new start.
hope this helps, you can pm me if you like...
X: Shadow Tears
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