A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I have a problem with men. And, I think this problem originates from the way I was taught to perceive men as a child. My father is not a bad man, not compared to a lot of fathers. He provided for his family and gave us the things we needed but also had an explosive temper and was emotionally damaging. He hit me only a few times but his irrational temper, hurtful comments and arrogance made me see men as these volcanoes waiting to erupt and not be trusted. I remember feeling like I was this pathetic loser that would never be good enough to do anything or be with anyone. He made me feel so stupid, irrelevant and imprisoned.When my mom decided to leave my father when I was about 8, I was so happy. I couldn't wait to have a life without him. But my mom decided almost as soon as she left him that it wasn't fair to him and returned the same night. I remember him saying to her that he would get therapy, but of course, he never did.Till this day, if I try to confront him like an adult about how he makes me feel sometimes, he will tell me that I lack intelligence, logic and that my feelings are some sort of malfunction and are unreasonable.I find the men I have been most consumed by are men that treat me indifferently and reaffirm that type of person my father made me feel like when I was when I was a child.I don't know how to get past this. I have even said that I will never get married because I don't trust any man enough to make that sort of commitment. I feel like no matter what, whomever I fall in love with will get tired of me eventually and leave or I will marry a nice man and at some point he will transform into my father.I don't know how to get involved with a man because I don't know how to integrate a man and my family. I don't know how to trust a man beyond a certain point.Does anyone else feel this way? How do I overcome this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (5 June 2009):
Ouch! Your dad is something from out of this world. My step dad was similar, but over time, I learned "so was his dad". Somewhere along the path, those affected have to break through this and create a future fresh from it.
There is nothing you can do about your dad. How you handle it or deal with it can be accomplished, but will take training and education. College classes offers some help. This would be the same way you get past it, and that is, is to learn it is what it is, that it is all him, and has little to nothing to do with you.
Yes, you have been affected by him, and your personality has also been affected, but by taking classes, you can begin to pull yourself out of this rut. I think many of us have similar issues, that if we are patient, and can find a mentor or guidance (we just gave you some ideas), that if you follow through with them, you can eventually overcome them. One day, you will stand up for yourself like a lady, and it will put him in his place. Your dad is like a bully; stand up and stand your ground, and he may back down and it could even adjust his attitude for the good and for the future.
For other guys, you know the bad signs. It is possible to make people do what you fear, so be honest and open, but keep an eye open for the signs and stop it if you must.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): I'm sorry for your childhood and I relate in many ways. I have worked hard all my life not to categorize people. Not all men are monsters, not all men are saints! Not all women are jealous bitches, and not all woman are true friends. We can't judge people by our past experiences. In order to live, we have to begin to trust. I believe in trusting people until the give me reason not to. It's all about taking risks. But it's better than never trusting anyone!
I always trust my gut. If I have a gut feeling about someone, or something, nine out of ten times I am right. Learn to listen to your instincts!
Good Luck!
Britt
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