A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,i'm 28, my wife 27, been married for 18 months now.Our marriage has been good up until now; she's a lovely wife and a kind, caring person.However, she's been going out partying far too much with her gay friends, and refuses to invite ME out with them, saying "you don't need to come!".She doesn't socialise with her girlfriends anymore, and not even with me.She only got with these gay friends a year-and-a-half ago and since then the socialising has taken up what little free time outside of work she has.Often after the nights out she'll come in drunk, slurring her speech, struggling to stand-up, and she's had either:Bruised midriffSore stomachGrazed kneeStruggling to stand upHyperactivityI've met her friends, and they seem nice enough, but how can I be certain?I want to work at this marriage, I know marriage is hard and not all fun and games, but how can I do it if my wife's being an unequal partner in this? I do a lot of the housework more recently [not saying this in complaining tone].I think her friends may have injured my wife, as I've seen two of them manhandling her [there's about five in the car with her, a big minivan is what they go round town in] in and out of their car, which makes me a little worried.I do drink, but only really as a social drinker, at things like family parties etc. - I'm not and never have been one of "the lads".She goes out every Friday, Saturday AND Sunday night, and won't invite me out on it.It makes me feel neglected and I don't want to appear like a jealous husband, but why does she want to go out with other men, but not me, regardless of whether they're gay/straight/whatever - we haven't had a proper night out as a couple for almost a year and a half now!Her sex drive is slim to none now; I just want loving, caring sex but she's uninterested and only thinking about her next "fix" of partying.On a weeknight, I asked her calmly and sensitively about this, was ready to listen, but she couldn't/wasn't able to explain why she was like this.I mean, if I did what she's doing with other women, wouldn't I get load of criticism - I'm sure there's a double standard somewhere?I don't want to be jealous, and I want to help my wife, as I love her a lot, we've been together since I was 20 and she was 21 as university students.
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drunk, jealous, sex drive, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (23 September 2011):
There are two things you need to do. They sound contradictory, but they aren't exactly, and they are both important.
First, you need to get a life. She has a life, she is out partying, having fun, what are you doing, the housework? Get out and do things, have your own fun, create a life for yourself that isn't defined by your marriage. For her its partying but you might not be into that. That's ok, there are plenty of things to be into. Get into an old hobby, take up guitar, or a sport, or an interest, study a course, make your life creative and interesting. At the moment you are focused on her, shift your focus onto something that you can enjoy. It is important that you aren't just sitting around waiting for her, you need to have your own life and interests.
The second thing is, you need to speak to her about the dangers of living separate lives. Having your own lives is ok, in fact it is important, but you need to be able to spend enough quality time together for a relationship to grow, flower, stay strong. Relationships and love are like plants, they need continual care and attention to stay beautiful. If you stop watering them, they die. If you aren't spending enough time together, you need to let her know the impact that it is having on you and on your relationship. She might not realise it, and you owe it to her as her husband to point out things she is doing which affect your relationship that she might not be aware of. Once you have had that conversation, give her space to start to make her way back to you. If you are always the one running after her, her natural reaction will be to run away. Stop chasing after her and live your own life, eventually she will notice you have stopped running after her and will come to look for you.
A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 are you sure nothing has ever happened with her and any of these guys? Do you really trust her? When my exsex drive dropped it was because she was getting it else where
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Gosh such a hard one, I will be honest I read the first part of the post in the main section (just the snap shot) and thought "is this a jealous husband" then I read the entire post, and I feel very guilty for my first assumption and very upset for you.I enjoy a good night out, unless I'm having girlie time (about once a week) I'd always love my partner to be there.I think you have every right to be concerned, have you thought she may be taking drugs or have a problem with alcohol ? You obviously care very much about her, if it is one of the above you need to be very careful, because "accusing" her will make ituch worse if she is on denial.You don't seem like a jealous husband to me at all, I would feel extremely neglected if it was me - there is in my opinion no double standard she's treating you unfairly and your concerned.In the UK we have the smaratians and a host of other charities that can offer support in situations like these, I would suggest researching and finding someone who is proffesionaly qualified to talk to you.I really feel for you and hope it works out.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 I don't know but it sounds like there's not going to be a
'and they lived happily ever after" ending here. My reaction would be to file for divorce but that's just me. I don't know her and you do so maybe there are some redeeming qualities you've not expressed but...Wow! sounds on the surface you have got one mixed up lady on your hands.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 September 2011):
 If everything you're saying is accurate, it sounds like you might have a reason to be concerned. I can't imagine my wife choosing to exclude me from events that are gender nuetral and night club type outings. It sounds like there should be no reason to exclude you.
In ordr to negotiate, you need to be heard. Do not be angry though as she will become defensive and the conversation will end. I'm going to say, in my opinion this is not common behaviour for a married person. It is OK to have time apart but three nights in a row, every weekend in PARTY mode, in my opinion, leads to potential trouble. I would would want to know why I am being excluded from the plans. There must be a reason. I also wonder why she is getting all banded up. The fact her friends are gay probably excludes infidelity but it stills leaves lots of room for discussion.
No matter what you do, be calm and let her explain. If there are issues in the relationship, figure them out. Without knowing her details it's difficult to understand both sides. All we know is there are things bothering you so you should try to figure them out.
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