A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my girlfriend are both 17. Before meeting me, my girlfriend was forced to perform oral sex on a guy at a party; although drunk she still said no and resisted. In a previous relationship, she was also hit twice.Now, whenever I kiss her passionately (as in slightly pushing my lips onto hers) she has to break away for a second. Also, she has great trouble performing oral sex on me as when she tries, she often see's her attacker's face; and every time she really looks like she doesn't enjoy it. We've talked about it so much, but i just don't know how to help her. Naturally I want her to enjoy oral sex with me (and I have no reservations about giving it to her) and although i've written this so formally (to get the facts across) she's my first love and oh my god i'm so in love with her. But these two past experiences have really scarred her. I've suggested she talk to a school nurse or a helpline, but she's shy and it took a long time before she could even tell me. When she told her best friend about the oral incident, she was just told to try and get over it; but I know that we'll never be able to have a good sex life until she really addresses this, however harsh that may sound (the effects of the attack appear to have really killed any sex drive she's had).I'm only writing on her behalf because I love her so much but of course because she's too shy to too, but the attack (she says) made her feel so degraded and almost a let down to people that think of her as strong willed (which she is)What ways are there of helping her? Preferably not a counsellor, we haven't the money between us for that as well as her difficulty in talking about it. Furthermore, she doesn't want to inform the police, under that common sexual assault idea that its a 'small thing' and they wont care, no matter how much i try to convince her otherwise.How can I help her? :(Thank you
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2010):
Have patience with her and listen to her. You can't suggest ways of fixing it to her, she doesn't want that. She just wants you to listen and be there. If she does't like oral, then make sure she knows you'll never pressurize her into it or anything like that. If you don't know how to help, ask her how you can be there. Maybe she can suggest some ideas.
A
female
reader, mine-louise +, writes (19 January 2010):
i speak from the same form off happen to her happen to me once ago time ago but the beat thing would be got to a doctor they will pay for a countsler useully. i mean if it is a very issue that it stop you and her from having any contact then its lovly that you stand by her. x
but iff she wants to talk to someone tell her to email me on here n i give her my email adress it will effected her for years im afaird to tell you,
but when you about to have sexul contact make sure she feels safe x mary x
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A
female
reader, LibertarianLou +, writes (19 January 2010):
First of all, you're such a nice boyfriend to be trying to help her get through it! You might be surprised how many people actually get impatient with stuff like this and leave.
Honestly, though, is your love greater than your need for blow jobs? Because it might take a while - it might be never - that she can enjoy them again.
It sounds like she's actually suffering from mild post traumatic stress - common after rapes, attacks, etc. Does she have trouble sleeping, have nightmares/flashbacks, have memory trouble surrounding the event, flinch randomly, avoid certain things that remind her of it...? If yes to even a few of these she could have PSTD. Unfortunately I think councilling etc is really the best solution. But talking generally can be helpful - but not forced. Basically what is happening is that when she remembers it, she's forced to actually RELIVE it. So you need to help her remember it in a safe environment like with you, by talking it through calmly, or writing about it in a journal, or whatever helps her, until she doesn't relive it. But you don't know how to help her with this and it could make things a lot worse - professional help is very important.
If she's shy she could email the samaritans, you don't have to be suicidal to email them and this means you can write what you want to write, anonomously if you like, and they will just try to ask questions, help you order your thoughts etc. I think it's worth a try.
And, I think it's important to reassure her that you can about HER, not about the lack of mouth action. Because this could be, even subconsciously, partly what she's flinching from. Feeling degraded etc as she describes will make this worse, naturally.
Be patient.
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