A
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*onty1964
writes:hi, ive been married for 3 and a half years and its been a nightmare so far, every year i say if i have another year like last year we wont make a 4th, but here i am still plodding on in misery, my hubby was keeping in touch with his ex, he met up with her for drinks, went to her house, helped her through her mothers death, took her away for the night, almost had sex with her but couldnt go through with it so he said, he said she blackmailed him and if he didnt do things like give her money or meet her she would tell me and so it went on,I found out he took her away when his phone went off by mistake and i listened to him and her in a bar etc but still he's still here with me, why cant i get him to leave? Does it mean i still want him, he says he hasn't heard from her in a while, why wont he change his number? I look at him and i hate him, all the love i felt for him has gone, we got through xmas i can smile when i have to and put on a show in front of people, hes out a lot working but i think hes up to something when hes out, his phone is never put out of his sight and no way would he let me use it or touch it. He says i should trust him now cos he's not doing anything but i dont believe him, how can i ever trust him as he has admitted he's a compulsive liar, so how do you trust a compulsive liar? should i move on or let him be happy and me be miserable, he thinks i should have gotten over it now and its me he loves and wants to be with not her, please help and advice. thanks
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female
reader, LibertarianLou +, writes (27 January 2010):
You make excuses because you love him, you're not being a soft touch, it's totally natural to excuse him and want to try and stay when you love him, especially since you've got the added legal complications of marriage, property, and money... But just think how good it will feel when you love someone this much who loves you back and treats you wonderfully and respects you and makes you feel amazing! And lack of financial independence should never be a reason to stay with someone - there are jobs or even benefits available. And it doesn't sound like he's exactly helping you out financially anyway!
A
female
reader, ponty1964 +, writes (20 January 2010):
ponty1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi everyone thanks for you replies to my dilemma,im shocked really because there wansnt one positive for him at all.as you can tell im a bit of a soft touch and feel sorry for him as he has lost his job, been made bankrupt,im working full time got 1 child at home (not his)if he went id upset my son and my mum and dad ,but i guess he playing on this ,the reason i wont leave is because its my house and in my name i had the house before he came along,ive got a bit of debt(again down to him)so i dont know if id survive finacially without him there ,he wanted me to put the house in both our names when we got together im so glad i didnt now or i would ave lost it in his bankrupsy,i just dont want to push him into someone elses arms its the saying u dont want them, but u dont want anyone else to have them either,he pushed me to going to 2 councellers but there was no need for me to go because all i imagined was happening really was ,it was him that needed help not me. he has told me hes got problems and will get help for being a compulsive liar , also hes a bit of a mummys boy she bails him out and gives him money which keeps our heads above water, maybe im making excuses for him but deep down i know all your comments are spot on,again thanks for your replies.
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female
reader, ponty1964 +, writes (20 January 2010):
ponty1964 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi everyone thanks for you replies to my dilemma,im shocked really because there wansnt one positive for him at all.as you can tell im a bit of a soft touch and feel sorry for him as he has lost his job, been made bankrupt,im working full time got 1 child at home (not his)if he went id upset my son and my mum and dad ,but i guess he playing on this ,the reason i wont leave is because its my house and in my name i had the house before he came along,ive got a bit of debt(again down to him)so i dont know if id survive finacially without him there ,he wanted me to put the house in both our names when we got together im so glad i didnt now or i would ave lost it in his bankrupsy,i just dont want to push him into someone elses arms its the saying u dont want them, but u dont want anyone else to have them either,he pushed me to going to 2 councellers but there was no need for me to go because all i imagined was happening really was ,it was him that needed help not me. he has told me hes got problems and will get help for being a compulsive liar , also hes a bit of a mummys boy she bails him out and gives him money which keeps our heads above water, maybe im making excuses for him but deep down i know all your comments are spot on,again thanks for your replies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): Im just wondering why your are still there. You must love him alot! Firstly he probably did sleep with her. If he got that far im sure there wasnt any guilt or they wouldnt have ended up together in the first place. Its very pathetic of him to say she made him do things. And if he wont let you near his phone and it never leaves his side...theres probably still something going on. In answer to you question....should you stay and be miserable while hes happy. No you shouldnt stay. If he wont go then you need to move out. The mans a total loser and you can do alot better x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): Get the hell out of there. This sounds like a nightmare, and you should not waste your life away in someone else's toxic problems. You are way better than that. Plus what a dickhead to think that he can just say "I'm sorry" and you will quickly 'forgive him.' Why do guys think 2 seconds of 'I'm sorry' will repent them of 3 years of making someone miserable?
Move on! Go to a divorce lawyer before you can stop yourself, and just do it. It is scary and daunting to face the world when you are used to spending your time with someone, but you will thank yourself for it in the long run.
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reader, LibertarianLou +, writes (19 January 2010):
Wow! What a situation.
Firstly, he didn't tell you he took her away. That is a big sign that he was doing something he shouldn't have been.
Secondly, he came very close to having sex with her, but "couldn't go through with it"?! What does he want, a cookie?
Thirdly, is he even considering her feelings? She sounds very troubled and if he is sleeping with her/"almost" sleeping with her (which is what, btw? Discussing it but deciding not to? Flirting? Kissing? Foreplay? Only sliding it in part way? Just oral? Did they sleep in a bed together afterwards?) when she's vulnerable then he's clearly pretty selfish.
Fourthly, has he bothered to notice how upset you are? Does he care?
Fifthly, why is he saying he hasn't heard from her? He is in control of his own friends, life etc. If he wants her out of his life he can make that decision - as you say.
Sixthly - most importantly - why are you wondering why you can't get him to leave? Why don't you leave?
My sister was in a similar situation. She booted him out and has never been happier. Seriously. Hand him his cards.
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