A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The only time when I feel comfortable and I can truly be myself (whoever that is) is when I am with my family or 2 of my friends whom I have known for years. Other than that, I find it so hard to interact with people. I always get the impression that people think I’m a bit of an oddball and I find it difficult to make conversation. Sometimes I try to say something to join in a conversation, but most of the time I just feel stupid for trying. I mostly keep quiet as I think, if I have nothing interesting to say, then it is not worth bothering. That therefore puts me in a box as a person who is boring and uninteresting. This was the case all through school and whatever hope of it changing went down the drain after I got to uni. It really gets me down. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like an awkward duck. I have been told before that I am too uptight and don't know how to let go and enjoy life. All true, but I just can't, there is nothing inside me letting me. I feel as though life is passing me by and I'm just standing still.I am in my first year of university and pulled a short straw on accommodation; I began living with 8 other girls- 2 Chinese, a Russian, a Japanese, and 4 other English girls. The foreign girls didn't, and still don't, talk or make conversation however hard I have tried (in my own way), and by Christmas 4 of the girls had moved out. It's very quiet here and it doesn't help that I was dreading coming to uni anyway. I have heard of other flats that cook together and go out clubbing or to bars. I have made a few sort-of friends but they don't go out much and many have boyfriends so don't really want to branch out to make other friends. I therefore spend a lot of time alone, which I don't detest, as I don't mind my own company, but just wish it didn't happen with such regularity.It feels as though it will never get easier and I'll never have a good relationship with someone/people when you are totally comfortable and happy. I haven't had a girly giggle over nothing in so long and just hope that it won't always be like this. How long can someone survive when loneliness consumes them? But then I think that it won't happen when I feel like this because I will seem desperate and on it goes, a vicious circle much?! I've never had a boyfriend (no wonder really) and I just don't think it’s in the cards for me. I wish I had the closeness and love with someone that comes with such a relationship but how can I open myself to someone else when I’m not comfortable with who I am? I read a lot of romance books, and I mean ALOT! With life and all its uncertainty (and awkwardness in my case) I just love the guaranteed happy ending. I like to think that if I can't have one then its nice to read about people who can (albeit fictional ones).It doesn't help that I have a sister who is the definition of the word 'success'. She has great grades, an awesome boyfriend, so many friends who she can just openly chat with and have a laugh. I'm a pro at putting on a brave face and acting like life is peachy but it's not. Not at all.Thank you for taking time to read this :) Any advice is welcome.
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female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (6 March 2011):
 I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, though I definately think Fishdish has some good advice! Also, try thinking of it this way, you're at uni, no-one knows who you are and how uncomfortable you can be in social situations. You're a "pro at putting on a brave face" so try doing it in groups of people. I don't mean completely abandon yourself here but maybe smile at people and try talking to them etc. If you ACT comfortable, you'll soon start to feel it. Clubs and societies are the best way to go. Try something, anything you have a vague interest in. Also, have you considered getting involved with your SU, picking up a part time job or volunteering to be part of things? That's another good way to get involved with fellow students and the university. All of these are good ways to create friendships. Persevere, you will get there, and don't be too hard on yourself. The more you do it the more easy it'll get. It is something you will overcome, many young people are terribly shy and go on to be completely the opposite. It's completely normal. Lots of people feel this way at uni-you just have to find them! I think there's too much pressure to be having the time of your life at university. But often, people don't feel fully comfortable until their second year (that was my experience.) Don't panic! Don't be too hard on yourself! And try step by step!Hope things look up.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 Your experience sounds like my highschool experience; college it was sort of different, people were awkward but they also sort of embraced each other's awkwardness. if you're in your first year, I think you're still in that period where you can sit with people you don't know, can't you? Is there anything you're interested in doing? Maybe you should join some extracurriculars where you'll share interests with others, have something automatically in common with people. I know you say you're uncomfortable, but if you don't try to make a game out of it, like let's see how long i can last, and try to push on your social boundaries,they won't change. don't be hard on yourself about the implications of the game (let's SAY you last a minute, don't punish yourself for that, reward yourself for pushing yourself). other things you can do to gain confidence is join a sport or go to the gym (karate was particularly good for me). When you learn about your physical limits, you gain respect for your body and through that, become a mentally stronger person. why don't you find someone to have as a gym buddy, where you guys both go together, talk along the way, etc. I did that, I didn't become best friends with the person but it was nice to have someone to walk and talk with, and it sure motivated me to go to the gym more. aren't there other flats nearby yours? why don't you ask one of these flats that make their own meals to join in, or say hey, i'll make the spaghetti if you let me come through this weekend. you could also just ask the person you sit next to if they want to study for the midterm with you or something, or the opposite, go get pizza for a study break; there are options out there, you just have to create them for yourself. if they fail, that doesn't mean YOU fail, because making a greater effort should be considered a success in itself. I know i'm making it sound easy, and being social has never been super easy for me either, a lot of these suggestions are at least mildly terrifying. Appreciate the danger. Actively recognize that this is a challenge for you and that you're willing to work on the challenge until you're suddenly finding yourself busy, and hopefully not so lonely anymore. Allow yourself to become one of the characters you're reading about, treat life like a story, you know what I mean? your story's ending doesn't HAVE to be 'and then she was a spinster because she lived vicariously through the lives of characters in books', don't be fatalistic. there's gotta be at least a million people who have been where we've been.
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