A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basically I'm insanely jealous about my girlfriend's past sex life. She is my first, and she has had 4 before me. Now, at first I didn't care since I didn't know who those people were and I didn't know any details. I was happy with it staying like that. However, one day we wenty to her former workplace and without any warning, we saw her ex, and things were awkward especially as she gave me no warning, and no explanation the entire time we were there. I was mad, but eventually got over it.Then a few months later, she started divulging information about where she used to have sex with another ex, and frequency, without any warning and without me asking for info. I started getting jealous.Then she says she took another guy's virginity in the bed me and her used to share, and that also she gave him blow jobs in his car, which was a fantasy I wanted to have up until that point. Now I'm upset that she told me all of that in detail, which i didn't want to know, that she let me sleep in a bed that she had sex with someone else in, and that my entire fanatsies have gone.Its gotten really bad, especially as she told me all of this after I had said that I was treated badly by women in the past, saying I would never get a girlfriend ever (by 'friends' and stepdad) , people bragging baout numbers and exes in front of me to upset me. I was a virgin until I was 22, and this has also upset me. So I feel now as if she was almost bragging about her past. Also I can't get all the graphic detail out of my head, and she gets her friends repeatedly to tell me to 'get over it' when they won't even listen to why I am upset, and then talk about exes in front of me and their numbers, and it makes me really upset.What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Well, there is another issue. She may have a lot more "past" than that, and she is letting you know that she needs someone she can talk about it with because it bothers her. Testing your tolerance and ability to manage with it.It probably bothers her that you were a "virgin" whatever the hell that is, and she was "not a virgin".So, don't be surprised if 4 turns to 40, and what you have heard is nothing compared to what went down.BUT, that doesn't mean drop her like a hot potato either. She may have some serious issues that she wants support from someone while she works through them.Or, she's a serious headcase that is putting you down when she brings it up. This below is just "wrong"."she gets her friends repeatedly to tell me to 'get over it' when they won't even listen to why I am upset, and then talk about exes in front of me and their numbers"If someone did that to me, I'd look at them and say, in front of the others, "Well, only way that I can hope to measure up to you is to break up with you now and play catch up for a few years." Then, I'd stand up and leave wherever I was, and not look back, and perhaps she'd get the message...for her next relationship.
A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (7 March 2011):
Yuck !
Just break up with her and go looking for a nicer girl.
Sounds to me like all you're getting out of this is sex - not a relationship of equals.
OK for a while till you meet someone you'll be sexually frustrated but at least with masturbation it's sex with someone who loves you.
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A
male
reader, Moonknight +, writes (6 March 2011):
 She does sound insensitive but i think there is more to it than that... i think she may be doing this because you were a virgin and possibly she feels like she has one over on you.She surely wouldn't say these things to an awfully experienced guy...And her friends telling you to get over it? Everyone knows bringing up your ex is never a good idea when your in a very stable relationship and even worse, the fact that you've already told her about previous bad relationships and she continues.Really... no girl in her right mind would have a girly conversation with her friends infront her boyfriend discussing their numbers, she is indirectly hurting you.To me it sounds like she's possibly making a statement that your hers sexually. It's like how a man would brag about having sex with a young virgin girl.Give her a choice, either respect the fact you do not want to know about her sexual past or leave, if she chooses to leave, don't chase her, she's made her choice. She and her friends might make out that your being a wimp, don't stand for it, because you've already had abusers in your past, you don't need more
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (6 March 2011):
@mishmash and chigirl: from what he wrote, I think he already told her about this.@anonymous writer: I think she's being rude with you. Specially as I think you already told her to not talk about this. But even if you didn't tell her, she is making a BIG mistake here. Which will cause you a lot of pain, for sure.And from the last paragraph: I don't understand why her friends are telling you 'get over it'. How did they hear about this? Did your girlfriend tell them? If she told them without your permission I would say you better move on and find someone new. Some girl who respects you.
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A
female
reader, smith1012 +, writes (6 March 2011):
 First I want to start off by saying sorry. I am a girl and I know where both of you are coming from. I see your side completely, I have been there done that. But honestly, from a girls perspective, I feel as if she isn't intentionally trying to hurt you. My boyfriend and I have shared past experiences and even hearing about him and another girl, kills me. But eventually I just had to grow up and realize that he does have a past. A past that took place before he even knew I existed.I realized I couldn't me mad, or jealous because we didn't even know each other then. And thats what I suggest you do. I think you should realize that the past is the past, and you can't change it. Tell her you do not enjoy hearing about her past relationships or sex life, and if she loves you and respects you, she will stop sharing. She may be doing it to see if you do get jealous, or maybe to get a rise out of you. Either way, if she loves you, and you ask her to stop, she will. If she keeps throwing it out there, then leave her. A guy that managed to keep his virginity until he was 22 is a good guy in my book. Most guys can't wait to lose it, and it doesn't matter to who. Your girl needs to realize she is lucky and respect your wishes! I wish you the best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): You need to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she needs to stop that immediately. My boyfriend mentions his exes frequently so I know how absolutely horrible it feels to be on the receiving end. I have serious issues dealing with his exes (including those awful graphic images...ugggg) and it's making me crazy. However I have to tell you that once the person realizes that their words are hurting you they should stop, or at least cut back A LOT. My boyfriend is making a major effort to stop talking about them.But... I know how this works... You hear the words she said over and over and over again in your head, right? Even if she stops talking about it, you can't stop repeating what she said to yourself, right?This is what happens to me ALL THE TIME. The only thing I have found that works to stop these thoughts is to completely force yourself to think about something else. Maybe watch a movie you love with the sound turned up really loud, or go exercising... Whatever activity you love, do it. Bottom line: You need to tell her how you feel. If she doesn't stop, she is messed up herself and you do not want to be with her. If she makes a genuine effort to stop, though, you need to let time pass and hopefully that will work... for the both of us! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I don't think she's cruel, but she's insensitive and unimaginative about what it must be like for you to hear these things.In her eyes, she may just be sharing "personal stuff" because these things that happened to her were personal and important to her. When you're in your early twenties, people (particularly women) tend to cling to their sexual autobiography as if it were a best seller novel....even though it's it's not. She probably thinks she is being open and honest by telling you these things (after all this is the kind of stuff she probably shares with her closest female friends), but she has yet to realize how it cheapens your intimacy with her. She sees these stories as her being open about her past while you see these stories as a betrayal since she's your first. I think that's the gap of understanding between you two. Another thing that might be compounding the problem is that you might be unreasonably jealous. For most of your examples of her behavior, I agree that what she told you was tactless and I could see why you might be unhappy or find it insensitive. But in the case of you meeting her ex at an office, do you think you really would have been any less jealous if she had given you forewarning about meeting an ex? Unless she planned for you to run into him on purpose, it's the sort of thing that's beyond her control and I doubt you can reasonable blame her for the awkwardness you felt in that situation. Had she told you beforehand, you sound as if you would have only been more awkward. You may be particularly jealous, and it's understandable why you would be if she was your first girl friend.Perhaps you don't want to admit to her that you're jealous, but I think telling her what you are feeling in an open would be the only way to deal with this. If my partner told me, my idle recollections of my youth were draining them of their fantasies and desire for me, I would shut up about it. If you've honestly tried to have an open conversation about this and she (or her friends under her instruction) are literally telling you your feelings are no big deal, then she's not someone to be intimate with. She doesn't care about your feelings and it's time to find someone who does.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Jjang19  +, writes (6 March 2011):
Basically im in the same situation as you, almost exactly, except im a couple years younger and she only had it with 3 instead of 4.Heres how these things work: Because of her past sexual experences you will NEVER have a healthy marriage if your relationship goes that far. She will eventually get bored and you will get more and more jealous over the fact that shes done so much more.So what you basically have to do is if you've already lost your vcard to her then hell, everythings already out there, just enjoy the physical part of the relationship while it lasts, and push all other thoughts to the back of your mind. When you cant push the thoughts back any longer thants when its time for you to leave her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I'm appalled at the treatment you have, and are currently experiencing from someone who is supposed to be your girlfriend. It's not just a cruel streak she suffers, but she's also very 'insecure in herself' and by making you feel jealous, less confident in yourself, she gains a bolster for her OWN lacking in self esteem..however, that is not your problem, whatever the reason for this juvenile, embarrassing ( for her) outbursts of sharing such intimate information. No one ever needs to do this, not even with esquiring about previous partners. For someone to do this and go into such graphic details denotes she likes, and enjoys having this power, as she feels she LACKS any power in most circumstances in life. Which makes me wonder about her childhood, loving stable family, where she was encouraged and loved for her, or constantly put down, or ridiculed. Without even knowing anything off her - I would say she has come from a very dysfunctional family somewhere along the way.Now whether YOU are experiencing "retrospective jealousy" or not ( grand words) but of NO importance, purely because this is NOT a situation where you have asked about previous partners, your girlfriend replies, telling you she's had four boyfriends before you, and you feel a pang of jealousy. This is a young woman deliberately without any encouragement from you, to tell you in vivid, graphic details about her sex life before you. As for telling you about someone in the bed you now share with her, is deplorable. Absolutely no excuse, no reason whatsoever for her to do this, this demonstrates a very immature, emotionally dysfunctional personality, and as much as she may be your first real girlfriend, she is not one to plan long-term with. As I feel for sure this will manifest itself into something else more heartbreaking for you.Sadly, when we grow up, if our childhoods are not stable, or for you having a step-dad and friends who taunted you. More likely than not, they themselves were probably NOT from stable homes either, it is a very typical scenario to taunt and put down others so they feel better. Unfortunately though, when we are children we only learn from those adults we have in our lives. This is the time we need the best parents possible, love is not the only criteria, there is lot more needed to bring up healthy emotionally balanced adults. Most of never receive any emotional guidance from school or the home, sex education yes, but where emotions are concerned nothing, as this is what makes us who we are. Lacking an emotional guiding hand, as you have, it's no wonder you lack confidence in yourself. For that I'm truly sorry, as you come across as being so sensitive and genuinely a loving boy.When we have such pasts as you have, due to your own low self-esteem, we attract those who are probably not the best for us, which I'm sure is why you find yourself with this awful young woman. None of this is a critique of you, but I do urge you to think about some professional help to build up your confidence, may be exploring your past so you can deal with your emotions from the aftermath of your step-dad.Don't let your past ruin the rest of your life, as undoubtedly this is why you are feeling such pain now, and why you have ended up with this girl. Deal with your past and you will gain all the confidence you need, and see through people like your girlfriend and step-dad. Good luck!Dr.Date
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 Have you told her it makes you highly uncomfrotable that she tells you these things? Not to mention it's actually quite rude to tell such information about your sexual past to a current partner. It's generally something you don't want to hear! While honesty is great, forcing information on you that you don't want to know isn't nice!Tell her that you don't want to hear about her ex's or the explicit details of her past sex life. You're not her gay boyfriend, or girl friend. If she wants to debate, or brag, she can go to her friends. It shows little respect for you to talk about it to you, or in front of you. If you want to know you will ask, and until then she is to not tell you anything, for above mentioned reasons. Speak up and don't take this.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 March 2011):
 hi this girl sounds like she has got a bit of a cruel streak unfortunately. it is all very noble to be honest about your past sex life - IF ASKED, but this knowledge is unwelcome to you and unhelpful, especially since she knows that you do not have any of your own stories to bring to the table.what you are now experiencing is called 'retrospective jealousy' (being jealous of your partners past sex life and partners) and is a VERY common thing. normally i would tell a person not to worry to much about it, work on their own self esteem and look at why they feel so threatened about it and work out how to deal with the unwanted thoughts and to remind them that the past is the past and your girl is with YOU now, not them. BUT in your case this advice does not apply, because i think your girlfriend is being WAY TOO GRAPHIC in what she is telling you and i think she is showing you and your relationship a lot of disrespect here. so she has caused some damage to your feelings and confidence already and maybe the only way you can overcome this is is to dump her and find a girl who won't get a kick out of telling you about any ex-lovers she has had. if you do decide you want to keep this girlfriend you need to tell her to STOP telling you things (unless you ask)so you can avoid further damage. if she 'forgets' and starts telling you stuff again, remind her not to do it. if you have to remind her a few times though i would definitely see this as warning that you are with the wrong girlxx
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