A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:please bear with me and read this people.. i need as many opinions as possible.... i dumped my gf cuz i didnt love her... i deeply care for her though... she has become devastated... lost faith in relationships and has become extremely low esteemed ...she cries and says she has changed for everyone...she doesnt trust even her family anymore and wont get into any relationships ever again......upon that she has to go out of town for her studies for 4 years next week cuz she really messed up in academics due to breakup and has some admission issues.....we have struggled like hell staying away from each other till we learned to live without each other....and when everything seemed ok, i started feeling lonely and missed her compainionship....gradually we talked often on phone and i showed more hostility and care ...but made it clear to that it was just friendship.....today when i talked to her on phone, she literally poured out and started talking about the past and lost her mind talking NONSTOP....she claims she is out of me but the idea of me being just her other friend is bothering her very much ...she wants to remain my special and close to me...i cant see her like this cuz she has put all her strength in me when we were together and has loved me like her own child ....she was one of a kind as a lover and means a lot to me ..but we cant get back and its final...now just thinking of her situation is so painful for me .....we even took a break for 2 months ...but eventually everything comes to the same point again when we return and the slightest change in behaviour seems very temperory ..the nature of our relationship has become such that either we breakup completely or remain close friends which means everything like before...she doesnt want me to go far away from her ...when i avoid her or make excuses to minimise the contact ,i appear a nerd and a fool to her and she wants me to become genuine and myself.... she is very understanding guys and i cant afford to lose her by becoming selfish and a person of shallow perspective ...i am being too paranoid but everything for her own good in the long run ...she is collapsed and is a dead body alive ...trust me guys i have felt it and i am not exxagurating the situation ..i want that old cheerful girl back ...most of you would say that give time ...and we have already done that but everything becomes same when i return in her life...please comment ....thanks
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female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (17 June 2009):
When you try to still remain friends with someone you broke up with that is still in love with you and didn't want the relationship to end; it only gives them a glimmer of hope that you'll change your mind and want to be with them again. The best thing to do is leave her alone. Even if she wants to talk to you, you can't. Still being in her life only makes it more complicated and harder for her to get over you.
A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (17 June 2009):
She is devastated, but don't take all that guilt on yourself. You would've been miserable being with someone you don't love anymore. Give her space even if she refuses, if the only time she is happy is when you two hang out it just means she really wants you back. It seems like she's almost in denial about the split. When you are away and distant from her it forces her to see the truth, but when you come around and be her buddy she can deny it again, and when she realizes the truth the next time it's going to hurt worse than the last over and over. Just let her deal with it in her own way, there is no way you can help when your the one she's crying over. Stop contact with her, it will be the best way to help her.
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A
female
reader, baby_tinney +, writes (17 June 2009):
 As long as you are right there all the time for her she will never try to move on with her life.I know you think you are helping her but in all reality you are making it worse on her.I think she needs to try to move on with her life and you do as well.I think that if it is like this now if yall try to be friends and you get a girl it will crush her.
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A
female
reader, pinkbump +, writes (17 June 2009):
the girl is obv devastated ! im sorry but i really dont think friendship after a relationship in this situation can work. you may want her as a friend but she clearly cant do that, it still hurts too much and brings too much memorys back of how things were with yous before. if you care for her as much as you say? then the only option is to completely avoid contact with her, she needs time to let go and move on ! it may take her a while but she will soon come to terms and become more happy and maybe find her soul mate! as for you, be strong and move on with your life too. I know break ups arent easy but its got to be done.
hope this helps
X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): I happen to think that remaining distant is very good for her right now. If you go back to her, I do not think it will give her the confidence/push she needs in her life that is needed for her to change. After all the core problem is her, it is not something one can share.
You are in fact more than a friend to her and she doesn't see it...she wont yet. Everything you have been doing I think is fair and I would probably do the same in your situation. She is understanding and seems to be loving like you said to everyone including you..except herself. I don't know if she will become the old cheerful girl from this but I think you are doing fine with her. It is just she needs to wake up and realize herself...I have a friend like this but she sees a shrink so she was able to cope with everything and not burden her loved ones. So maybe it will help your ex if she has one.
You continue to be strong and caring and keep this contact with her...I hope she changes for the better this time. And I don't think going back to her in a relationship will be healthy at all.
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A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (17 June 2009):
 I know that its not gonna be what you wanna do but the only way you can help her is by leaving her life for good. Its no good leaving her clinging on to a bit of hope that you could one day get back together when you really dont want her. It wont help either of you one bit. You need to explain that you believe the only way of helping her is to not talk to her anymore. It will really hurt her and you at first, but over time will get easier because that contact is no longer there. Maybe in a year or so when shes moved on you could regain your friendship. But right now she needs space to grieve and move on and you constantly been there really isnt gonna help her.
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