A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Reading an e-mail yesterday of a woman who wanted to know whether she should tell her husband about her cheating. Well maybe you guys out there may be able to help me. I have been with my partner for 6 years, 2 children 4 and 2. After the birth of our 1st daughter my partner became obsessed with motherhood and seem to blank me out. I found comfort with a co worker who I took out to lunch a few times. It was more emotional than sexual. She listened to me and made me feel appreciated. My wife wouldnt come to the works Christmas party so I went on my own and of course my co worker was there and we had bit to drink and she told me she fancied me and asked me to come outsidewith her. that stopped me dead in my tracks. There was no way I wanted an affair with her.Got a taxi home. Didnt know how to tell my partner so I left it for a while. We went on to a better relationship. Eventually I told my partner what had happened and she went ballistic, wanted to know exactly why I did it and what I did. It never went beyond kissing and I reminded my partner if she had not blocked me out it wouldnt have happened. We seemed to have sorted it out and went on to have another baby but every so often she will throw it in my face of what I had done. I have never done anything like that again and I keep telling her that. I have no secrets from her and she knows but will not let up. Things at time get so bad with her I feel like walking out to bring her to her senses but I dont think I could do that because I love her so much. But I dont know how much more I can put up with. I changed my job very soon after my bit of a fling so never saw that co worker or ever tried to make contact again.I reeatedly told my partner this. All this is getting to me and I know she is tired looking after the kids but I give all the help. I now need help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): What is everyone so worked up about? This guy had dinner with another woman a few times. So what? He didn't sleep with her. He said kissed her and that's definitely bad. I am not making light of that. But you responders are acting like he carried on a secret years-long passionate affair and fathered a child with his wife's sister or something. This situation is a problem, I agree. He has done some big wrongs, I agree. And it indicates a fractured marriage that needs serioushelp, I agree. But I don't think what has been explained must be viewed as such a relationship-wrecking betrayal like everyone is acting like.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): You have been a normal human being in your response for wanting time and affection - and your wife was a normal woman for feeling a strong need to put your children first. It is a classic situation that many couples face. With the experience you both have you are in a unique and positive situation to turn around your thinking about it and realise that whilst temptation presented itself you knew what you wanted and held back. A moment of weakness on your part is over. We will all, your wife included, have temptations presented and we have choices. Many women are left at home alone while their husbands go off playing golf all weekend, or work away on business and find comfort in other men. Its time for you both to stop beating yourselves up. Now you know what you want, what is wrong, how to change it and the consequences I think you can create a stronger bond. The unknown is no longer the unknown. Get away for a few days together where you can walk in some fresh air and confront your fears - because at the root of your wifes emotions of resentment is fear - that you will do it to her again or it will go the whole way next time. Talk about how you can do things together and assure her that you want to agree a way forward and that you can no longer be punished.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): youwife was devastated, you see sometimes it is not about he sex only. although your r/ship went no further than kissing, this amounted to betrayal too. your wife has not healed from your affair. very seldom do people both male and female ever do - it may take the slightest incident and they will flare it. it is the coping mechanism. the betrayal is still raw and it will take sometimes years to heal. at least give your wife some credit- she had another baby with you. this shows that there is some trust left in her. if she totally did not trust you, she wouldn't let you near her body, and she certainly wouldn't want you to father another baby with her.
you would NEVER understand what emotional trauma you have put her through. for you your affair is over. for her she relives it all when he is happy, sad, alone. it will always be there at the back of her mind. realise this, when she needed you during the birth of your first child, you were seeking attention elsewhere. you can blame your wife being all consumed with the baby but come on, you too could have played a greater role. instead of working on your strained re/ship, you were seeking solace in someone elses arms. this is a constant reminder.
somethimes we ust have to shut up and allow our spouses to vent. maybe in your case you should do the same? i don't know, you want her to move on just as you easily did. remember two individuals are not the same. you easily put all the blame on your wife. perhaps re look at this critically. i think this is your first mistake. strange how when we cheat, we blame the innocent partner and say you pushed me to do it. we do not accept blame for our own actions yet we lay blame everywhere else except where it truly lies.
you sound so frustrated, you just want her to get over it. you are not going to like my answer but why should she. she is handling this her way. it may not be the right way but it is the only way she knows. at least she is venting. some cheated spouses keeps it all in, in festers until they explode. what will you achieve if you walk out? maybe you need to use the 80/20 principle in your marrigae. 80% of the time it is good, you guys make a great team, kids are well, a somewhat happy home. the other 20% she remembers the infidelity, she explodes, spitting venom. if it was me i know i could deal with that 20%. also realise she is raising 2 kids (by herself???). she is also tired , maybe she wants a break. maybe too much of stress, not enough thank yous and not enough appreciation.
you may think that i am finger pointing at you and it is all doom and gloom. i am not. i am merely trying to show you the toher side, maybe some factors you have not yet taken into account. i know you love your wife, so how about loving her with her added faults. what she is doing is wrong to throw your affair at you. if you were in her shoes how differently would you react. believe me , most men do not take too kindly to their partners having affairs. truat me, you too , woulf not forget in a hurry and you would also throw this at her. why? because we are all human. our partners hurt us and we want to hurt them back. sometimes unjustifiably but it is our only coping mechanism.
perhaps giving her a extra big, long hug tonight, tell how much she and the kids mean to you. tell her she is your soul mate. she may not appreciate it immedialtely but when she is alone, she will relive the tender moments. you need to constantly re inforce this love and plse don't let silly pride stand in your way. i hope one day she does make peace with the fact you had an affair, i hope this is sooner rather than later.
good luck. i wish you well. you actually did better than most men - you stopped temptation when it actually mattered.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): You need to set aside some time together alone without the kids so you can talk to her about this, perhaps there are other things she's unhappy with etc.
It seems to me that there's a lot still unsaid between you both that only comes out when yeer angry or frustrated. You have to resolve this with her, she was hurt and that's understandable but you understand what you did and why it was wrong, you need to find out what she wants from you, in order for you to be able to redeem yourself, if that is the case.
You have to think hard on this, delve deep into all the things that happened or were said in that time of your life perhaps there's part of this you haven't fully corrected, such as something you said that might still resonate with her, such as telling her that you only did it because she pushed away (as was your reason in your post). Remember loss of libido and romantic interest are quite common for a new mother, in fact that's the norm. Instead of being there for her when she needed you most you found selfish comfort.
I have to say though, you have to make it clear to her in the most tactful/soft terms that you can't handle it anymore, you need to know if she's willing to work through this and let it go. I'm afraid if she can't learn to trust you again it might be worth considering seeking professional advice and counselling.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (17 June 2009):
 first let's clear something up. it happened because that's how you chose to deal with the situation. you have choices, and are responsible for the choices you make, so it's not because of her ignoring you, although that may be a motivator for making the choice.
i do want to commend you, although the kissing and emotional affair was wrong. you didn't let it go all the way. be proud of holding yourself back from doing that.
either she forgives you or she doesn't. if she does, bringing it up and rubbing it in your face is not proper behavior. it's not because it says, she'll forgive when it's convenient, leaving it open to use as a tool later at her discretion. that is wrong. give her a final opportunity to express herself with this affair. you sit, and invite her to tell you how it made her feel, not blaming, but releasing the feelings. then she forgives you, and it needs to be agreed upon that you'll be moving forward and this incident will not be brought up any more.
sometimes when people get hurt, they may not want to make you miserable by bringing it up, but there is still unresolved feelings there. generally it's not feeling as if you understand how your behavior really made her feel. doing this exercise gives her the opportunity to. and during this, you're not allowed to answer, or attempt to justify your behavior. it's now not about you or what you did, but about her healing.
take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): The sting of an emotional affair is sometimes worse that a physical one. I'm a wife and a mother of a toddler and it's hard. It's hard to take into consideration your husband when you're tired and stressed out. But she should make time for you. I agree with you there.
But you have to know that what you did will never be forgotten. It's great that you were honest and it shows a great sense of respect on your part, but you have to understand that no matter what you do she will always think that you found comfort in someone ese besides her and you didn't give her the time she needed to get back to herself. For now, if it was me I would keep trying. Take her out, be romantic, try to get back to what you once were as a couple. If in the end you end up parting, at least you'll know you gave it your best.. But don't give up yet. She may still be bitter and the only way to fix that is time and a WHOLE LOT OF PATIENCE!!!
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