A
male
age
30-35,
*ray
writes:I'm 21 and I just started dating an amazing girl. Unfortunately I did a lot of stupid stuff in my past to make fathers not want me near their innocent daughters.She is 18, a senior in high school and lives at home. Her father liked me the first time we met but once her brothers told him about me he changed his mind and told her she shouldn't be seeing me.I want to show him that I'm a nice guy and that I really do like his daughter and that I'm not the same guy I was but I'm not sure how.Anyone have ideas on how to get rid of a bad reputation in a small town.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (21 February 2015):
 Your past essentially says: this guy is a danger to my daughter and/or her reputation.
Time, patience and actions are the only thing that can help you move on from your past and the reputation that follows.
You didn't tell us your past - is that because it really is pretty bad and you think we'd give you different advice? It would help to know how serious what you did was and whether it's the kind that can come back and bite you - perhaps being able to drag those around you into it?
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (21 February 2015):
 I also live in a very small coastal town... and unfortunately reputations tend to stick for longer when everybody know's everyone else's business! It probably wouldn't be the same if you lived in a big city, however if we all could choose where we could live, life would probably be much easier! Gaining people's trust and turning over a new leaf is all about TIME... it takes time to prove to others that you are a changed person and like any big change it can be difficult. I am currently seeing a man who much like you has a very bad reputation in my town, and even though it has been a while since he has done anything bad, people don't forget it easily, especially my parents. At certain points he was seen as a very bad person.. the kind of person you wouldn't want too be friends with, let alone date. He had done a variety of bad things which ranged from criminal activity to just being a nasty person, but despite popular belief if someone puts their heart and soul into it everyone can change. :) You may of already changed and put the bad times behind you, but now of course the tricky part is proving to others that you really have put all the bad things behind you and you are now a better person. Of course not everyone is going to believe you, and you can't blame her father for being doubtful, it is his daughter and like most father's he just wants what is best for her. If you want to impress him then you need to pull it out the bag... don't put on a fake act that isn't the real you but show him you can treat his daughter right. If you have too, even offer to meet him for a coffee to talk things through with him, this will of course show that this relationship means a lot to you, and hopefully he can give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you instead of the rumours that may be floating around the town! The best way you can prove to him you are good guy, is to do your very best to make his daughter happy, however all things take time... and it will take time for him to trust you, but if your willing to put in the effort, you might be one step closer to proving to others that you have changed. Determination and patience is the way forward my friend! :) Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): Not knowing what you've done in your past, it makes it difficult to really offer you solid and sound advice.
Most fathers don't want guys with criminal pasts or players around their daughters. Mainly because the past catches up with you, and many criminals repeat their offenses. To gain a bad reputation, it means your behavior was either lots of offenses; or they were particularly sinister.
You have to re-establish yourself as a model-citizen and redeem your good stance within your community. Guys with criminal-records can tarnish the good-standing, or sometimes lower the credibility of other people simply by association. This is both a part of your karma, and the lesson to be learned for the "stupid stuff" you did. You and others who have chosen to jeopardize your character or community-standing, and throw caution to the wind; learn something that is true all across the board. You'll regret it! Often for a very long time!
Think twice before you do something that may follow you for a lifetime; because just being sorry isn't going to turnaround what it may cost you in the future. Sometimes your payback to society, or to people you've done wrong, is delayed. Just when you think you've outrun it, it comes back. You can't blame it on small-town thinking; when what you've done was so serious people hide their daughters!!!
If that father thinks you shouldn't be dating his daughter, respect his wishes. It is likely you will force his daughter to defy him. She is old enough really to make her own choices. Just stop to think how you can restore trust and respect for yourself; by NOT being the reason an innocent girl is defying her father's wishes, and placing her own reputation at risk by keeping bad company. It is likely her brothers will enforce what her father says; because they still have a right to protect their sister from her bad choices.
If it is a small town, she has to lookout for herself more; because of the double-standards placed on girls and women. I can only speculate your past is pretty bad for it to make fathers want nothing to do with you.
I would even venture to guess you've made some girl(s) pregnant. That news reaches fathers pretty fast.
Perhaps it is time to move on and find another place to start-over fresh. If you have a kid somewhere, show that you can be a decent father. If you've made it your mission to deflower virgins and spread the news, a small town was the wrong place to do it.
Time usually allows the dust to settle. You're somewhere between 18-21, you've already got a reputation; and you haven't even hit the first quarter of your life yet. Go away to college out of town. Let memories fade. Not that your past will be totally deleted, but in a new location; people can't prejudge you before you are able to show that you've changed.
You've lost trust and respect in your town; so remaining there only reminds everyone of what you used to be. Being your age, you haven't left your troubles that far behind. They are still fresh in the memories of those who know you. Time to consider getting a higher-education, learning a valuable trade or vocation; and make something of yourself. That will prove to everyone you will not always be that troubled-kid they used to know. You can start-over and move on to be a better man. In time you'll "out-grow" the reputation and mistakes you've made as a boy.
If your family-life hasn't been the best, and you've acted out, because of many issues beyond your control; you don't have any excuse for choosing the wrong path. Usually that is the case. You must now make it your life's mission to be a good man, give back to the community, and trust and redemption will return. You have to earn it back if you choose to stay. If you have a baby somewhere; I guess you now have responsibilities to take care of. Small-towns don't forget easily.
That just may take time. If you maintain model behavior consistently; as time passes, it will be seen as mistakes of your youth
.
Date out of town for a bit, but be honest about who you are and what you've done.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 February 2015):
 Trust is easily lost and very slowly regained.
I do not know your history and I do not know what has led to you having a reputation that you think is bad. Maybe it is something small. Maybe it is several things.
Please forgive me listing a shopping list of possibilities.
Only one may apply.
Or maybe none apply to you.
But I tried to imagine a worst case scenario.
If something does apply and my advice helps then tmaybe my words may help.
It will take time and commitment by you to repair what you call a "bad reputation".
Do you want to rebuild you into a better person who will be respected in the community?
Only YOu can make these changes.
This time you may or may not be able to continue with this amazing girl.
What is important that you make a commitment to you.
Start as you intend to go on.
That might mean that you start thinking about where you want to be in 5 years.
Do you need to do any additional studies?
What work are you doing now? Where do you want to be with that work in 5 and 10 years time.
Also look at your actions in the community.
If you have some questionable friends then consider that we become the company we keep.
And if you associate with questionable characters you will soon be tarred with the same brush in the eyes of the communituy.
Is there a service organisation you could join and commit to doing some good in the community?
Try to learn by listening more. Don't imagine that you already have the answers to things. We can all learn something new every day. We can all improve in some areas of our lives.
If this girl is very important to you then ask if you can talk to her father. Be upfront to him. Ask him what you need to do to regain his trust.
It may be that her father will set you some goals first that do NOT involve you seeing his daughter, but are goals you need to meet before you can, in a couple of years, maybe then ask to see her again.
What volunteering do you do in the community to make your community a better place?
What sport do you play to ensure a healthy body?
If you don't have a hobby that teaches you something then think about a hobby that is inexpensive and enjoyable and takes you into areas you have not considered. Maybe think about what worthwhile hobby you could consider. And I certaining do not mean computer games when I suggest a new hobby.
If you drive recklessly and you have attracted some fines then resolve to stop that immature behaviour.
How often do you read a book? Go to the library and borrow some uplifting biographies of people who overcame great odds.
Are you not good at managing money? Have you often failed to pay your debts? If so start developing a workable budget that takes all your expenses into account and follow the budget all the time.
Do you have a short fuse? Do you get into fights easily? If yes then Get some Anger Management help to allow you to address that issue.
How often do you manage to save 10% of your income if you are working at any job? If you don't manage that then now is the time to start saving 10% of any income you make and keeping if for a long time in the future. And NOT boasting about how much you have saved.
Do you drink alcohol sometimes to excess? Now is the time to stop that. Alcohol in moderation is fine. Drinking to the point where you lost control is not ok. Alcoholics Anonymous can help you.
Have you ever been in jail? So have many people, sadly. Some see the light and turn their lives around and never go back. But it takes commitment.
Do you ever try illicit drugs? It is not something to be admired. It is dumb and fries your brain.
If you need help to get off drugs then get help
Do you feel depressed from time to time or not sleep well? Visit your Doctor for a chat and see what can be done to address that problem.
Do you have any problems with gambling? There are help groups that can get you thought that mine field with lots of support and discussion.
Is your own family un-supporting,, upsetting or toxic? Recognize that many people suffer that burden and they learn to rise above it.
It may take you 5 years to become a pillar of GOOD in your community but if you are serious then the time to start is NOW and TODAY. Not next week. Not next month and not next year.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 February 2015):
Just like it takes time to build a bad reputation, it takes time to build a good one. Just work at it and show your genuine side as much as you could to the world.
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