A
male
age
41-50,
*igger81
writes:So after five years of marriage my wife is leaving me. It hasn't been a good marriage, with her spending our money and leaving me to pay off he debts, she has ben humiliating me. She makes herself look good, but she rarely helps around the house etc.Recently I was offered a job transfer, the area we were moving to is very nice but also very isolated (town of 8000 people with the next nearest town of a sizable population over 8 hours away). When the position was offered I checked with her if she wanted this. She got so excited, told my boss about how much she wants to go. Now a guy she has consistently been talking to (yes I suspect an affair) offered her a job in another town and she said yes. I will be alone in a new town, my family and friends are in a different country. I look like I am in my 40s due to the stress of the relationship, while my soon to be ex looks amazing. I will be trapped in a small town, unable to meet people.Whereas my soon to be ex will be with a new guy within the month. How come I am being punished for doing what ever I could in our relationship while she is being rewarded for doing nothing? I am miserable, alone and have no support and do not know what to do.
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affair, debt, money, my boss, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, digger81 +, writes (25 February 2015):
digger81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone. Apart from the anonymos female reader who clearly has double standards. I didnt with hold sex. I lost my attraction to her after she treated me badly. I suspect if it was a female in my situation you would say its a natural reaction. Sometimes the female is the bad person in a relationship. Its not alwaus the males fault.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 February 2015):
 why do you see this as a punishment? what you need to do is see this as a chance to get free from something/someone that makes you dreadfully unhappy.
8k is small but it' could be 800 then what?
and since you are recovering from a 5 year marriage that has ended it's best for you to be single and not even worry about a new partner for at least a year... focus on your new job and go from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): Mine is a different view point.My first answer didn't get published.I hope this one does.
I read your 2011 question.You withheld sex from her like a sort of punishment.If that is not cruel,I don't know what is.
The next person you date might have other faults as well.If you keep withholding sex,you are going to end up with a long string of broken relationships.
I would like to tell all the aunts that there are always two sides to every story.If your wife is on here,I am sure we will hear the other side.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 February 2015):
 Rather than look back and wonder what the heck happened...Look foward and plana newer better life without whoits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): ok,first things first!So, Canada, you say? 3-to-1 you say? Do they happen to be nice,honest,kind-hearted people with muscly arms too? Damn, if it wasn't for all the snow I'd be moving to Canada right now!"I will be alone in a new town, my family and friends are in a different country." -THE BITCH!I'd NEVER do that. I COULD NEVER do that to somebody I love or once loved!!!Even if I NO longer love them, I wouldn't wanna see them hurt in this way. Even if the relationship NO longer works,I'd stay around for a bit longer just so that they can get on their feet a bit (given that your SO is usually the closest to you/your best friend,so it is essential to have them nearby when you don't have a NET to fall in).But then again I'm a bit like you-I tend to over think things and think about anybody else' interest/well-being but mine.I keep doing that but honestly-it is unhealthy. To me. I recognise that,but can't yet stop.I say:1) Do not concentrate on what SHE will get/do. Concentrate on what YOU will do.2) Don't blame her for how you look etc.-that's mainly genetic. Stress can affect it yes, but you made your choices. Now you are paying your dues. Anyone who picks their partner simply based on looks is extremely shallow anyway and I hope you don't want somebody like that to be your partner for life? Can you be honest-did YOU pick HER because of her looks? Don't do that next time. + Looks fade with time. None of us humans can withstand the power of time. She won't look "amazing/fabulous" forever. And the next sucker who picks her for that will be sucked dry too.3) Your wife is EXTREMELY selfish. Don't be as selfish as her,but learn to be a bit selfish-put your interests first here (and your legal responsibilities etc. too- which country did you marry in? I ask coz=different regulations. In some countries=infidelity=no financial support,so I'd check it if I were you!)Sending you soo,soo many virtual hugs!The nonny
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 February 2015):
 Hi Digger81,
To help me answer this question I also went back to your 2011 question. Sorry to say that you've been through hell.
You've suffered an untidy wife who's not interested in pulling her weight in the home. What's worse is that she not great at handling money. Now with you 2015 question I see that she's not handled money well, she's run up debts. Plus she's humiliated you and she's possibly been flirting with someone on the side.
She's done a real job on you.
You have put her and your marriage ahead of the following question:
''what's the best and most supportive action you can take that best supports you?''
And now you are also considering your co-workers which is admirable.
The other guy in your company clearly values you, and does not want to lose you entirely. So he's offered you an opportunity.
Maybe your co-workers are not interested in shifting.
Has the work slowed such that there is not enough work for both you and your co-workers?
By giving you a transfer at least the company is keeping your specialized skills.
The other guys may be more than capable of getting jobs elsewhere.
You are assuming they can't get jobs elsewhere.
If your co-workers were in your position I am sure the successful ones would ask themselves,
''What's the best action I can take that best supports me''
Your wife has been self centred for years, or at least since 2011.
When do you get to prioritize you as deserving to be treated well.
It's OK to look at all the angles, but you're assuming that the new place is going to be a bigger challemge than what you've been putting up with for several years.
A single guy in a new town.
Earning good money.
You'll be living in a clean tidy home for a change as you'll be in charge of it.
Time to see an attorney about your divorce since your wife prefers to exploit you any way she can. So see an attorney and detail all the hell she's put you through.
If you have any joint credit cards or joint bank accounts these close them before your wife cleans you out.
In the new place it's time to brush up on your social skills.
If there is any sport you could play there then investigate if there is a sporting club there where you could meet others.
Find the time to introduce yourself to your new neighbors in the new place.
Get talking to new people by introducing yourself and asking about what social events occur in that small town.
Try to adopt a positive focus. You may be surprised how many nice new people you can meet in a new town by being positive. Your accent will probably intrigue some people. Say hello to the bank staff when you open a new bank account there.
Say hello to the person at the gas station when you reach the new town.
Life is what you make it,
Your wife has handled you a golden opportunity to start afresh.
She will use whichever guy she is with at the time.
Most guys would not put up with a partner who is perennially untidy, selfish, slovenly about cleanliness in the home, humiliates people and spends money like water.
She will be back. begging you to take her back. My advice would be to get that divorce settled asap and then do not take her back. She has shown her true colours. So don't allow her to subject you to her selfishness again. You've done enough for her already, enough to last a lifetime. Yet what did you get out of it? A spendthrift wife who's been flirting with someone else and who does not care if she lives in a pigs sty.
I hope that you will work on building your self esteem and get your life in order.
I definitely think you should dispose of your interest in the company.
Surely as a part owner you have more say than to be just treated like an employee?
Why does your colleague want you transferred? How much of a financial interest do you have in the firm?
It sounds like you are walked on at work too.
If you partly own the company you should be part of the decision making, not a helpless pawn in the game.
Do you see the accounts for the whole company, or are you sub-contracted to do a small portion of the work?
I think a clean break from your currrent situation, and from your marriage (which is clearly a toxic situation for you) is something that could allow you to see how much better life can be.
You've already travelled far in your life and at your age you are of an age where you can make big changes and start afresh and come out of this a whole lot happier and more confident about yourself than you are now.
It's good that you are thinking of your co-workers but if they are good at their work then perhaps it is time you put your interests first. Perhaps your boss is aware of an impending lack of contracts and knows there is not enough work for all of them.
You cannot take on all the worries of everyone else and then neglect your own best interests.
For you to prosper you need to think of you first. You cannot spend so much time worrying about others that you forget to see the writing on the wall as far as meeting your needs first.
That is not selfish.
Instead it is your survival instinct being re-activated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): I just want to point out that "I look like I am in my forties" is pretty insulting to those of us who are forty and still think that we look as "amazing" as you believe your wife does. Quit the ageism please.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 February 2015):
 Would you have been taking those four people with you when you transfer?
If you part own the company can you not employ somebody to take your place?
If you own part of the company offer your share to one of the other owners before selling it on the open market.
Your responses lack clarity.
Think outside the box, there will be a solution.
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A
male
reader, digger81 +, writes (21 February 2015):
digger81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI own a part of a company here, if I leave four people will lose their job as my department will close down. If I focus on me and leave I leave these people unemployed just before a possible recession.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): Well, get the divorce and consider moving back to your country. Now that she plans to move on, you can return to your family and friends. Hopefully your country has a higher ratio of women, and you can find happiness again. Being home and closer to your love-ones will accelerate your recovery from the divorce. You'll still need some healing time, don't expect to instantly get-over a five year marriage. You just don't have to live and work in an isolated town.
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A
male
reader, digger81 +, writes (21 February 2015):
digger81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately I am in Canada near Alaska where males out number females at a 3-1
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 February 2015):
Hey, you are already a winner though you can't see it just yet, you are rid of a wife who spends your money, humiliates you and who you suspect of cheating.
Get to see a lawyer before you move bush!! Tie up your affairs so that your soon to be ex rock around the neck can't create problems for you.
Small towns in Australia can be a bit standoffish to start with, but depending on your skills there will be a niche waiting for you to fill it ......... and probably lots of available single women as well, small town Australia never has enough single men!
I know you are hurting, and that my response may seem flippant, but there will be a grieving process to go through, google the stages of grief and familiarise yourself with them.
Good luck with the next chapter of your life!
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