A
male
age
41-50,
*ooNiceInNJ
writes:Hey everyone, I recently met a wonderful woman about two months ago. We clicked from the very start finishing each others quotes, love the same music and movies, sports teams etc. etc. My family has met her and my mom is head over heels for her. I also met her family and her parents were so thrilled over me that it really blew me away. Problem is we hadnt seperated at all since the start we met on July 10, made it official July 17, and have been living together from the very start since. Her parents house is only about 5 minutes away, and quite honestly against my own better judgement had her continue to bring things over and stay with me. Now If we get in a fight she says fine i'll take my stuff and go to hurt me. Now about her, she has a "princess" complex, and I am a fulfilling man, but I found myself waiting on her hand and foot not because she even asked me to but because I just want her to be happy. But she also has a nasty side i may tickle her and in return she would pinch me till black and blue, I thought it was cute at first but eventually got painful, when asked to, she stopped. But she also takes everything out on me even stupid things like if we are playing wii and I at a certain point am tired of playing and want to turn it off she throws a hissy fit and i give in. Her mother told me aside once at a party that her daughter loves me because im like the way her father is to her and I thought that was really sweet because I want to be with her in the long term and i know women love their daddies especially if he is a good one like hers is. Recently she rekindled an old friendship that dates back to children we will call her "karen" for anonymity. The first time i met karen we all had a good time one night at dinner. but the more the two of them hang out the more my girlfriend pushed away from me, citing that i need to be less sensitive and more of a man which quite frankly are things her friend would say. karen stated to me and my girl once "i use guys i have a different guy for every thing i need, one to talk to one to have sex with etc etc" i was blown away when i asked if she felt bad about using them when her answer was "nope"well here is the kicker since that night about a week ago my girl has become more and more distant to me, we got into a fight last wednsday, i had court she was at karens house i went to a friends to let her have her girl time, and she called me said she misses me to come to karens i said "ok in five minutes" my girl actually said no now babe and had me get in my truck start it and prove i was leaving my friends place(i really think this was karens doing) so i get there in my suit still looking quite damn dapper if i do say so for myself and my girl immediately says im dressed like a dork if i want to go with her to cheesecake factory to get a slice that i need to go home and change, recently my girl has been saying i need to be more of a man so i said no im going like this i rushed over to see her at her behest, and she started calling me names infront of karen and karens mother(whom actually defended me) and i said i dont need this and left. later that night i get a call from my girl who is still with karen and was told that we need more space she loves me but if we keep living together we would end up breaking up and honestly i agreed i could see us being together so soon was putting uneeded strain. so for three days we did our seperate things, shed go to the bar with her girls and guy friends and would call and say hey baby i miss you love you and id say have fun babe, she is trustworthy like that which i really appreciate. So heres the final blow every time she gets in one of her moods she threatens to "move the rest of her stuff out of my apt." and i beg her not to, well friday night she went out with karen drinking heavily and calls me to say karen signed her up for a childrens benefit without asking her but my girl is a nanny and has a soft spot for kids, the thing is the day of the benefit we had already made plans with my parents who were taking us out for a nice dinner in the city, at this point she said she may have to cancel, i told her i understand that she wants to help but we had plans first, she said shed try to get out early. i texted her once at 930am to ask what the plan was because we had to leave for the city at 5, the day went by 1, 2, 3, 330 i only called her one time, im not clingy. finally at quarter to four the reply i get is "im freakin busy" i explained that the least she could have done was shot me a text saying she wasnt going to make it earlier in the day so as to cancel the reservations, this started a text war where she eventually stopped answering me so i left it be. mind you i would never do this to her family over a friend and she knows she was wrong but is a stubborn person. still havent hearing from her a 830pm i placed the rest of her clothes, dvd movies and toiletries in a box, wrote her a letter explaining how i felt(it was a nice letter not one of those vicious ones people write out of anger, mine was just asking for some common ground) and mind you since she moved out we hadnt spent ANY time together it was like i was out of sight out of mind because she was with karen. I got to her parents house they let me in and helped me with her things her mother was devestated and said her daughter has only dated scumbags and the one guy that has ambition and treats her well she is going to screw up and then I mentioned karen and her mothers face turned pale, she said this is all karen, as i left her mother said to me "i really hope we see you at the family bbq next saturday"(which honestly brought a tear to my eye), you must know me doing what i did by removing all her stuff for a nice guy was one of the hardest things i ever had to do(but i knew in my mind she would never expect it and i needed to make a power move) i went to a bar that night with friends after and ran into one of my girls good friends that we will call "Jess" that is in a three year relationship and she said to me my girl has been wishing for a good guy and now that she has me that she is going to mess it up, the next question out of jess was, is your girl hanging with karen, when i said yes, boom it all came out from jess about how karen is a bit of a saboteur, a misery loves company type.... booooom red flags everywhere.apparently my girl got to her parents house and saw her stuff didnt read the letter called me and immediately sounded angry, i know for a fact she never expected me to man the hell up and get her crap out, i asked if she read the letter and she said "no i went back out for the night after seeing my stuff there" i explained in cliffs notes that i do care about her i do want to be with her but this hot and cold and constant time to no time together is a rough transition and im the one being hurt by it, i said to her "look you may be used to dating a**holes that treat you like Sh** but im not an a**hole, i never have been and i never will be so if thats what youre looking for then you arent looking for me. if you want a man that will love you and treat you right call me and i will be waiting with open arms." Jess who knows my girl very well told me, that my girl is showing a tough exterior, but in all honestly is cared Sh** that shes going to lose me.my two questions are how can I get rid of karen's influence without being the "you can't see her" guy, i know if i pulled that its only going to push her away more.and what do i do if she still doesnt call or text today for us to have a sit down face to face that i clearly explained to her we need?
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male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (31 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone you are all good people that have helped alot the hurt set in a little today, got to work my work truck had a flat tire I broke down my college admissions us giving me a hard time, I just feel like tg end universe is working against me ugh
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 August 2010):
Proves to show what kind of person she really is. Good riddance.
I would call her up and have the honour of the last word. "You're a coward. Breaking up with my by changing your status on facebook to single? Atleast have the decency to tell me in my face. The fact you didn't tells me enough about who you really are. Goodbye."
Or something like that. Don't let her get away with it so easily, not without showing her what a jerk she really is.
And good guys don't always finish last. You should be happy it's over. This can teach you to stand up for yourself and not accept everything so you can weed out the good gals from the bad ones. We all have our share of duds before we find the right one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I know it won't feel like it right now but you ARE better off without her. You don't need to deal with this sort of behaviour. In my opinion her behaviour is appalling. She will learn that you can't get by like that eventually. And as for her method of breaking up, well, it's like she is fifteen years old. Pathetic. Mature adults don't treat other people like that. Don't contact her or try to do anything about it. She probably expects that you will try getting in touch with her, she sounds like an attention seeker. Don't do it though. She has shown her true colours and you don't need someone like that in your life. Relationships are about balance and give and take; the balance here was firmly in her direction, as was the taking. You are better than that. Just take some time, get used to the change, and move on with your life. You won't regret it. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (31 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe just broke up with me by changing her facebook status to single, no phone call, no face to face..... it hurt for a second but i'll get over it... nice guys finish last
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 August 2010):
I'll get straight to the point: THIS CANNOT AND WILL NOT WORK OUT! I know, this is not what you want to hear and if you want to ignore what I have to say, feel free to do so. However, if you were serious about wanting advice, continue reading.
Q was right about the Ben Stiller part. And reading all you've written I firmly believe that girl has the potential to be the worst thing that ever happened to you.
End it. Really. She wanted a good guy but she forgot the part where she was supposed to be a nice girl, not a bitch. DO NOT BECOME HER DOORMAT.
She is calling the shots. You let her go out with this Karen (a.k.a. 'friend' from hell) you give in to her every objection and you accept being put aside like garbage. You have shown some feeble attempts to regain your dignity, but you still have a long way to go.
Her dad says this is normal. Well, this is a classic case of a spoiled brat. Bet she was on that MTV show Sweet-16 a while back, yelling she wanted the blue Mercedes instead of the red one. Your best bet is to leave her alone, like her dad suggested. Not for 2 weeks, but forever.
My dear man, there are good girls out there for you. Don't let this one be the ruin of you. Because bad girls create bad boys and we have way too many of those running around already.
Ending this relationship will be the best gift you can give her. With her current attitude she can only end up with douchebags because in essence, she is one herself. Tell her it's over: "I'm done with being put aside like garbage. You wanted a good guy. Well, it's a two way street. Remember that if you ever want to end up happy, you can't have the world revolve around you."
And then change your number and leave it at that. Change the locks of your door if she's got keys. I'm serious. Best way to deal with this and both come out better is to literally sever all ties. You will be down for a while, but this will not last long because after a while you will realize that this was for the best.
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (30 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so we were supposed to talk today, but today her grandfather in fla. was put in hospice, she called me crying about it and i told her that ill be there for her, we still met to exchange my house key and the things i held for my house key back, i noticed she removed my picture from her car, i told her before she came i wouldnt bring us up because she obviously has alot on her mind, anyway she got here we exchanged and she also mentioned a friends father died, i told her that her family and her friends family are in my prayers, i then just slightly mentioned "babe after this is all sorted out we need to talk, because im completely in the dark here and alone with no answers" she replied "i cant f**king believe youd pull this sh*t now really" and sped away.... its in my nature to be a nurturer and healer i just want to help and at the same time id be lying if i didnt want some answers..... her father told me she can be like this and that my best bet is to just leave her alone for a week or two.... i am so lost, hurt, confused etc etc.... please help me someone
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (30 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so we were supposed to talk today, but today her grandfather in fla. was put in hospice, she called me crying about it and i told her that ill be there for her, we still met to exchange my house key and the things i held for my house key back, i noticed she removed my picture from her car, i told her before she came i wouldnt bring us up because she obviously has alot on her mind, anyway she got here we exchanged and she also mentioned a friends father died, i told her that her family and her friends family are in my prayers, i then just slightly mentioned "babe after this is all sorted out we need to talk, because im completely in the dark here and alone with no answers" she replied "i cant f**king believe youd pull this sh*t now really" and sped away.... its in my nature to be a nurturer and healer i just want to help and at the same time id be lying if i didnt want some answers..... her father told me she can be like this and that my best bet is to just leave her alone for a week or two.... i am so lost, hurt, confused etc etc.... please help me someone
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A
male
reader, steve jones  +, writes (30 August 2010):
Look m8 im no expert but from what i have read your girl loves the idea of you rather than you if you know what i mean. You have a big heart its wasted on her but that is easy for me to say as im not in your position, i have felt the way you do with a similar woman and after 5 years of bending to her will i gave up on what i thought was true love. Do the brave thing and break it off or at least back off so she comes to you and you call the shots. then maybe you can do something about her friend. do not try to come between then they will suck you dry and spit you out. Its a tricky situation from your point of view but in all honesty you have heart and its being wasted, even if this turns sour dont give up on your heart follow it and it will lead you to paradise.
Take Care and good luck
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (29 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel you but honestly i can see in her what i know she is and she has been dying for a good guy its almost like she doesnt know how to handle being respected and loved. im proud of myself for without advice packing her crap in a box and bringing it to her place. but i think i need to be distant so she sees what shes missing the quote from marjorie kinnan rawlings, "a woman has to love a bad man once or twice before she can appreciate ba good one" says it all... im in love and dont know what ekse to do
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (29 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI already moved her stuff out to her rents place, I actually have connected with this girl on a level I can't describe of have been in a five year relationship and hadn't had this kind of trust its just the abuse that is pushing me away, I think I did the right thing by moving her crap out I'm actually proud of myself for doing it. But I do want to try and make out work.... :-( depressed but not showing it manning up.... Me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): Not trying to be mean.
You sound like a nice guy that really loves his girl.
Your girl sounds like a spoiled brat that may love you.
Karen sounds like a real b**** that really loves herself.
Your girl will get tired of Karen (people like Karen eventually turn on people that don't give them what they want) and that will end it without your saying a word.
But it still means you are stuck with a princess that puts herself before you. Can you live with that?
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (29 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks please keep the advice coming its hard for me to not contract her but I believe she needs to know I mean business.
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A
female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 From reading your post and your update...I say that you need to be serious and not contact her. She's seen that she can treat you badly and you will still put up with it.
I think that for now you need to show her that you are serious. You sound like someone who is not only ready for, but capable of, a serious and mature relationship.
She needs some time to think and evaluate how much this relationship and you mean to her. It sounds like her family is on your side, and I imagine that her mother is probably trying to talk some sense into her!
The fact that she could call and swear at you for waking her up at 3PM! That speaks volumes to me right now...
So I say back off. If she does call or text or anything, take a day to evaluate what she really says before getting back to her.
You're too nice a guy to get jerked around like this. You need to set the bar now before/if you get back together b/c if you don't this cycle will repeat itself.
From what you described...the pinching, taking things out on you...this need to hurt you on some level was there before Karen came into the picture; Karen's influence has just amplified it and much more quickly.
You need to recognize that...Karen is not the only one to blame.
You can't change her; she has to want to change....but if she loves you and wants to be with you and you make her understand that being with you means that you get the same love and respect you have shown her, then maybe she will be willing to change her behaviour. Only when you see that commitment on her part should you even consider getting back together.
Good Luck,
D&C
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (29 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't to talk to her but after all the bs and the chill the f*Ck out message I onus of think I need to let her stew in her juices, idk I'm lost, and kind of think keyring her worry about it will help idk I need more help
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A
female
reader, 24/7agonyaunt +, writes (29 August 2010):
you sound like a really nice guy, and i'm sure your girlfriend wants to be with you so i think you need to explain that you don't mind her seeing Karen but she needs to spend more time with you, and not listen to things Karen says about your relationship. if she doesnt text or ring you, maybe try once more, say you love her and that you two need to talk face to face but you're not going to wait forever. i hope it works out for you, you sound like a very caring boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, TooNiceInNJ +, writes (29 August 2010):
TooNiceInNJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate I still need input but jess said I should ignore her for three days completely, because when I did call one time my girl answered and hung up then two hours later the text I got from my girl was"chill out, I just f**king woke up" its 330 pm now wtf, I know my girl us the stubborntype but it's clear she doesn't want to lose mE. Jess said if she didn't care that she's the type to say f off its over and that clearly isn't the case so should I listen tojess and ignore my girl to show her I mean biz. So far all of jesses input has been on point its just hard for me not to cave in.... But I won't cave in because I do love this girl and want it to work help!!!!
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