A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm twenty three and in my first sexual relationship :) which am really pleased about. I love my bf and we took things slow. I sometimes find it hard to enjoy sex totally because I was sexually abused when I was younger. And sometimes I just can't relax or get turned on or I do get turned on but it passes quickly and I end up getting sore where I can't bear my bf to touch me at all (ie I get sore and have to push him away).I know that when it ends up hurting it reminds me of when I was abused my bf always stops and understanding he so lovley I was wondering any tips to help one get my sex drive up and to make it so am less dry down there to make it less painful for me so I can enjoy it like I want to with my bf x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): "find it hard to enjoy sex totally because I was sexually abused when I was younger"My wife was abused when she was younger, it was really hard for her to develop a constructive sexual relationship. It took us years and years to get there.What helped was talking, developing trust over time, openness, and counseling together. I also read a lot and was able to understand some of what was happening wasn't because of me, and that helped.Try this book, there are others, this helped a lot in our case.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933In our case it was not easy. She didn't tell me that she'd been abused, and how bad things had been, until we'd been married for 15 years. She never wanted anyone to know what had happened. Secrecy kills, relationships, and lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThAnk you to everyone who has left me messages off advice I had some councilling but I got dischaged because I was doing so good but this was before I strated getting into a pysical relationship with my boyfreind x it only been fourteen months since the abuse stopped x I'm proud off myself because have come such a long way I said to myself yes it was hard and horriable what my abuser did but I'm off to now live the lifee I was never allowed by my abuser x I feel lucky have got such loveing family and a wonderful boyffreind around me x I think I might need to go back to coucilling to help me over come the final hurdles :):) but thanks you wants again x btw I can't ever forgive my abuser they never took punishment for what they did they ended their own life when it all came out I feel annger toward them but I turned it into a positive because I know I can't change what happened in my past but I can look my own furture which I have Control ov er xxx thank you for all you advie. And to thouse that have been surviours off abuse too well done foe not letting them win xxxx survivours are always the strong one in the end
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Counselling is the best path to take. It may be painful at first and stir up emotions and cause great pain, but it will give you answers deep in your heart that removes the blockage and helps you relax.Sigh... it's too hard here to explain how to enjoy sex after sexual abuse. It's not a quick tips, quick fix, push this and the lights go on type of thing. It takes years for the memories to go away. Certain touches, certain things you do in bed will remind you and drag you away from enjoying yourself.I remember a book by an abuse survior which explains about how find pleasure through sex.. but of course I forgot the title. For now, just make him go slow, make sure he stops any time you feel uncomfortable (he can start again when you calm down) Use KY Jelly for the dryness. It is important that you masturbate alone, using a mirror is a great idea. You need to reclaim your body, you need to reclaim the present and the future.. You need to remember the past is gone, your here now with a wonderful boyfriend and he won't hurt you ever.Don't worry about it or try to overthink it, and wonder if your broken for ever. Worry makes things worse and makes you uptight and then the sex hurts. Instead realise that all people (men and women) sometimes have bad sex. It's OK for you to start sex change your mind, and go back to foreplay instead. It's OK for you to start sex, feel too sore and ask to pleasure him by hand or mouth and just cuddle up and wait for another day.In this way, your mind and your body will start to trust again, you will learn that sex with your boyfriend is beautiful and secure and without danger.. then you'll be able to relax and enjoy... But it will take time, there are no quick fixes for this problem.Trust and danger, these are primitive things, when your mind remembers, your body naturally closes. Whilst you still have these memories (which counselling will help to deal with) you need to help train your body to automatically react positively to your boyfriend, because he's not the one who hurt you.Hope this makes some type of sense.. I always recommend body massages with oil, for both men and women. Get's you to know your body and his, helps you both to relax, great for abuse survivors, it helps you to become accustomed to a loving touch. Do it together when your not having sex, or do it before or even during sex. Also try to have sex in places (bathroom etc) and in positions that don't trigger memories of abuse.Look in the mirror and shout to yourself... "It's MY BODY, and nobody, not the past, not the fear, not some hurtful man, not even my loving boyfriend is ever gonna OWN it".Good luck babes, and remember, don't worry, worry just spoils everything.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 I was sexually abused when I was child and it took a lot of work to teach myself that sex was safe and that I had a right to enjoy it. Have you had any counseling for the abuse? My counselor helped me realise that it was ok to enjoy sex. The techniques I used was to stay in the moment, to concentrate on what my boyfriend was doing, to concentrate on him and keep telling myself that I was safe, and that everything was ok. It is hard, try writing down all your feelings about it, and keep writing out I am safe, I am allowed to enjoy sex, I want to enjoy sex. write it over and over again until you start to believe it. It is hard but you can enjoy sex with your boyfriend, you deserve to. I hope this helps. Good Luck and if I can be of anymore help please let me knnow.
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A
female
reader, SpiritStones +, writes (12 December 2011):
 Hello, I too am a survivor of abuse. Take it slow, you have to have the freedom to push him away, and you have to have the freedom to be in control, to say no and stop at any point. It takes a long time to live with abuse, specialist counselling can help you come to terms with abuse, but by yourself you can get better in time. There is no quick fix, you need to learn the tools needed to survive abuse and you need to be able to put them into action. I have worked with many abuse survivors and each one is different, some never have sex, some do it every day. Some can never get turned on or have an orgasm. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself time. I am so happy for you that you have a great partner who is understanding, that is so important and the greatest gift you can have right now as you explore your sexuality and sexual relationship.Buy some lubrication for when you get dry and use it as part of your sexual routine, there are many things you can try and explore in this wonderful relationship. When times goes on and you find more and more confidence and less thoughts about your abuse, you will stay turned on, and will naturally be aroused so therefore will not be so dry anyway.Remember that women going through their monthly cycle can be dry at certain times anyway and so please don't worry about it all being about the abuse.You are doing the right things, be true to yourself. x
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 Use lube to get you wet.
Sexual abuse... one way to damage your sense of self. Because of the sexual abuse, your brain has linked "pain" with "sex." You have to break this... One way, is to forgive those who sexually abused you. It's not that they deserve it, it's that you deserve to have a healthy sex life, and until you do, it won't happen. Another way is to vent. Take paper, and let it out. Write about what being abused has done to you. And then forgive.
When you have done that, then you can begin experiencing sex. You have to put in your mind that sex is okay, that it's what you want, that it's safe, and that your boyfriend won't hurt you. You might even want to try visual techniques, that while having sex with your boyfriend, visualize how you would want it to turn out. Sense the sensations of his touching you, and the pleasure it can bring.
These techniques are methods of reprogramming your perception around sex, and may break through the pain that has been holding you back. I hope this helps, take care.
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