A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cannot get over my ex and its been more than a year. The last time I ever saw him him beat me including a punch in the face. I was with him for 3 years and so deeply in love. I feel like such a pathetic loser for loving someone that treated me so badly. He also cheated on me but I didn't find this out till the end. We were once so close we lived together and worked together. It was love at first sight, he ended up being my best friend he was crazy about me and we were inseperable for 2 yrs. I was close to his family and we just had so much in common and so much to talk about and were just soo in love. i had never felt this happy before. The only thing was he had violent mood swings and was a very angry drunk once in awhile he would break things in my room fight people at bars. Grab my wrist and throat when we argued i knew it wasnt right but we were so passionate. in the end i would always feel bad for him because he seemed so tragic and always talked about how his father beat his mom he scared me and others when he was drunk. he got very paranoid and was always ready to attack if another guy talked to me. At the same time he could be so sweet and romantic. He is a musician and I watched his band go from nowhere to being signed to a major label. The last time I saw him we had already broken up a million times he was always on tour and the distance was taking its toll. I was willing to work it out but he went back and forth playing with my emotions and making me feel and act extremely needy which I am still so digusted with myself about. we had so many plans like moving in together and marriage. It was hard for me to have him keep changing his mind and I ended up resenting him for this but still so in love. The end was 5 months ago during a heated argument he threw me around and punched me in the face saying "look what you made me do." I couldnt believe it and I am so sad. I cant move forward. I tried having a relationship with a guy that treated me like a princess but i cannot stop thinking about my ex. i dream about him and blame myself for acting so needy that it pushed him away and made him beat me. i know this is crazy and pathetic but its hard to hear about how successful he is now. hes on tv, on tour with major bands and living the high life. i feel like there is no such thing as karma. he hit me like a man and i stupidly did not go to the police. i regret this tremendously. The worst is that i actually miss him i miss the good side to him. it would be easier if he was pure evil but its not true he was so deep and sensitive as well. i have never clicked with anyone like that in my live or though anyone was as talented or as attractive before either. i never thought it would end like this or that i would be this girl. i used to be so happy and strong and now its hard for me to get out of bed. I want to go to a pschycologist but i was layed off and have no health insurance. i truly believe that i will never love someone more than i loved him because i was obviously obsessed but how am i supposed to love anyone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone. i agree with you jmjmt, i think thats whats so hard. He didnt plan on being such a jerk it just happened. i think thats what makes it so difficult to get over. i cant stop living in the past because i keep thinking if i had done something different this wouldnt have happened and yadda yadda yadda... i know its dumb im still sooo angry i have never been puched by anyone but him which just seems crazy. i want him to be miserable not successful. everyone knows that chris brown is a creep and im sure the embarressment is good revenge. i wish my exs fans knew who he really is and what he does. i just want him to be miserable. the way he made me.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
You're not a loser, not at all. You're a woman who has been treated badly and it's affected your confidence badly. This guuy punched you, hurt you and abused you. He was never sweet or romantic or deep or sensitive because he was acting so he could continue to abuse you. Don't give him another thought. It's good that you want to seek help, and I'm sorry that you got laid off. So the first thing to do is take a deep breath, be very brave and search like mad for a job. When you get a job, you'll start to feel a bit better. Then get that counselling. Never think that a guy who hits you is 'sweet'. He's not. In fact, someone like that is more likely to end up killing you. You need to find your own happiness, then when you're ready and strong again (and you will be!), you'll find a guy who really is sweet and caring. And guess what! He won't hurt you. x
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 From the last reply...
"Men like him dont know what happiness is they just love hurting people, its like they enjoy it, its sick. This is what he planned and wanted is for you to be hurt and not able to go out with anyone else because hes such a jeaous freak."
I'm sorry but thats just not true. Unless you're a psychotic pre-murder person, you dont enjoy hurting people. He didnt plan it and he certainly didnt want you to be hurt. Things just happen day by day and due to his own experiences and personality he just did things which resulted in heartache... theres a good chance he hated himself for hurting you, which may have made him feel like in the heat of the moment that he could be abusive because it made him feel superior to you and better about himself, therefore justifying his behaviour... but nobody plans to hurt someone and enjoys doing it. Three years is a long time... things just escalated day by day... there was no sinister long term plan to degrade you here.
Having said that, he is still bad news. You have to realise that you are viewing him with rose coloured glasses. You clearly put up with alot of his bad sides, simply because you were in love with his potential to be great. And now that he's achieved what you perceive to be some kind of greatness, (being signed to a major label etc.)... well you could be feeling any number of emotions.
But for flip sake girl, stop glorifying him, stop trying to think you can change him because you cant. Write down a few pro vs. con tables... firstly a list of all the things you like about him vs all the things you didnt like. Secondly a list of all the nice things he did to you vs. all the bad things he did to you. If you end up with more positives than negatives then maybe its worth forking out to see a psychologist... clearly this guy has many, many issues... I dont give a crap if he can strum a few notes on a guitar and appears on T.V. or whatever.. that doesnt make him great and it certainly doesnt make him a good person!!!
If another guy treats you like a princess and you arent as attracted to them as your abusive ex, then you're just a typical woman. Its normal and you cant help who you're attracted, but dont let it control you. I sympathize with you, I really do... I have a bipolar ex, completely nuts, but somehow so passionate, so exciting and so attractive to me. But sometimes you just have to realise that an ex is an ex for a reason. Look forward, not backwards and dont glorify your ex in your mind to be much better than they really were simply because you're lonely now.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): I have been through a similar thing and its not you with the problem it is him. He is obviously one disturbed guy. Men like him, there is nothing in between, they are either sweetness and light and make you feel like your the most important person in the world to them or they are so horrible they make you feel like crap. I dont think feelings in a relationship with an abusive person are normal, its all obsessions, control and possessiveness and women usually percieve this as care and love and the feelings go wayy over the top.
You are verry smart woman to get out of a relationship like this before it went too far because many women arent as strong and stay with these men for years. You didnt make him beat you, dont ever believe that no-one has the right to put their hands on anyone and he sounds like a very dangerous man. It sometimes takes years to get over an abusive relationship because they come into your life and have such a big impact on you and then make you feel like a fool when its ended.
I feel like such a complete idiot for falling for such a cold hearted person. Its soo hurtful believing everything they say, believeing that you are the most important person to them and then to realise that your not. Its only been four months since i broke up with my ex because he would have jealous rages, punch walls, call me various names and eventually he would have hit me and now hes with someone else. He doesnt care how he treated me how he broke my heart, made me cry, hurt me that means nothing hes just gone and found his next victim to torment and control.
Anyways you are not on your own, its such a frightening feeling thinking that you will never love anyone again but why let a man like him determine that. Men like him dont know what happiness is they just love hurting people, its like they enjoy it, its sick. This is what he planned and wanted is for you to be hurt and not able to go out with anyone else because hes such a jeaous freak. My ex said he would rather me dead than with someone else. Hes been emailing me making sure i dont forget bout him.
You will love again, even if it takes months or even years. Do not let him control u still. You must be a strong person to leave him sooo you can do it. Make yourself happy, do things that u enjoy doing, live your life and when the time is right and when your ready to give your heart again it wil happen. But you got make yourself happy before you can be hapy wit someone else.
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