A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been practically begging my son's father to see him more often/call/anything-to no avail.He treats me like I'm nagging and then accuses me of making it sound like he doesn't love or care about his son.He sees him about twice a month. We live 20 minutes from each other. We're almost done with our separation period and will be divorcing soon. We have some spats, but considering the circumstances we mostly get along ok.My son is only 2 and cries for his Dad almost every day. It is making me depressed to the point that I am gaining weight (overeating) and don't want to get off the couch for anything.It's hurting me so bad, I've been considering trying to reconcile with him-but the major reasons we split is that he was emotionally and verbally abusive-and he wanted out again for the second time in about 3 years (we had separated before when he had a "mid life crisis" at 24 years old) Yes, I know I was stupid to take him back then-but that's a different topic. As much as I see how this arrangement hurts my son, I know having his Dad come back (only to eventually leave again for whatever reason) would be worse.Is there anything I can do? Seeing my child hurt is killing me!
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (11 July 2013):
 Ok, now it's truth time ladies and gentleman:
Your question, reworded in basic terms:
Q: How can I make a guy do something.
A: You can't.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 July 2013):
 Perhaps when your 2 year old son is out of nappies and talking more, his Dad might eventually come round to see him more often? Some Dad’s can’t handle the nappy stage or toilet training stage and in amongst other reasons they are clueless how to relate to them or interact with them being that young… unless they put them in front of TV all day.Certainly nagging him doesn’t work, so clearly more nagging isn’t going to solve the problem either!? Just go about your business (get off the couch) and have the little one playing with other toddlers his age; plus he wouldn’t know the difference so much if you don’t react to his crying very single time, making it worse for him as well as yourself. All he needs to know is that you ‘both’ love him… a child at this age need not know, grown up adult politics etc.As you know, you can’t depend on your Ex because of his previous erratic behaviour so please do not start now, by getting all depressed over something that won’t change, as it will be even worse if he were to come back as you say. Look after yourself, love your Son and leave off nagging the ExTake Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): Sorry I know that is a difficult situation. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do to make him want to spend more time with his son. Maybe in time things will change. In the meantime, I wouldn't pressure him to visit, maybe your ex is doing it to spite you.
Don't let it affect you or your health, as your son needs you. Enjoy having your son to yourself. Go for walks or spend the afternoon in the park. If you're happy, your son is more likely to be. I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (10 July 2013):
You’re right not to try and reconcile for the child’s sake. Lots of people do this, or refuse to leave a relationship that’s clearly broken beyond repair, thinking it’s best for the child and it really isn’t.
I’d want to know what the reasons are that he doesn’t see your son more frequently. Is it work? Is it when he’s free and not got any other plans that he sees him?
The best thing is to tell him how much your son misses him and asks for him, and discuss an arrangement that involves more regular contact, for example you both have the child on alternate weekends and he goes to his father a couple of weekday evenings as well to avoid a fortnightly gap between visits?
He needs to know how much his child wants to see him. Then, assuming he could see him more often, if he doesn’t there’s not a lot you can do but at least you’ll know you did all you could to get your son seeing his Dad regularly. This isn’t about accusing him of failing, or not loving or caring for his son enough. It’s about making him see the level of time your son is requiring at the moment from both of you. If he refuses to see this, don’t beat yourself up that you diden’t fix this, he has to step up and act on what you’re trying to tell him.
I wish you all the very best.
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