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male
age
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anonymous
writes: No harsh judgments. I am only looking for advice here.I am a married man having a relationship with another woman for close to 10 years. It's no longer an affair per se. We've grown to love each other yet I cannot leave my wife.I find my girlfriend to be very possessive and insecure and she has difficulty trusting me. I thought that after being together all these years, she would be more comfortable with me and more trusting. But she seems to get worse and worse over time. How can I assure her I am trustworthy? How can I get her to stop contacting me at all hours or driving by my house making sure I'm home? I often end up having 3 hour conversations with her until 2 or 3 a.m to reassure her I do love her. And wouldn't do anything to hurt her. She now asks me to send her pictures of my wife when I am at home or out with her or a Google map timeline whenever I am out. I have to check in with her everywhere I go. I have to give her an exact itinerary of my day. If I deviate from my regular patterns, she gets upset. She has anxiety disorder from the worries about my fidelity. I don't cheat on her. But she keeps thinking I do. Or I will once I get bored of her. But I'm happy with her. However her difficulty trusting me is getting to be hard to handle. I don't want to lose her but she's driving me nuts with her anxiety and paranoia. How can I stop her paranoia? I don't understand it. She should know me by now. I feel like she's my probation officer and I must walk on egg shells around her. I just want a smooth, drama free relationship but she is full of drama everyday. Any advice on how to keep a mistress feeling comfortable with you? Before you judge, I've helped her through a major illness. Took her to all her appointments. Was there for her when her father passed. I have helped her financially. She has met some of my friends. We've travelled together. I drop everything for her when she needs me. It isn't a sordid sexual fling.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (10 March 2020):
 Oh goodness me.
These posts never get old. No harsh judgement? You’re a fucking cheater, what are you expecting? For everyone to bow down and forget about that part of the issue? You are NOT in love with her. If you were you would leave your wife like a respectable person and let your wife find a loving partner that she deserves, she can do better that someone who can piss all over their marriage vows. Your little bio at the end doesn’t make up for the piece of shit you’re being towards a woman you married! Spare us the bull crap.
Why WOULD this other woman trust you? You are CHEATING on your wife, you are as untrustworthy as they come. I don’t blame this other woman for thinking you’re a liar, you are!
The best way to stop the paranoia? Either end the affair or divorce your wife and get into an actual relationship with this other woman to show you are a bit more serious than fucking her then going back home to your wife, your words may hold a bit more weight then.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): This is just plain creepy! I wouldn't like to hazard a guess at what you are about to cook up.You claim your mistress is demanding pictures of your sleeping wife so that she is reassured as to where you are?You clearly have no sense of responsibility for your own actions.Please understand that you yourself have overstepped the boundaries of normal behaviour.And you have no guilt or remorse!You have a "SHE MADE ME DO IT"mentality.Your mistress made you have an affair or was it the wife's fault?Your mistress is obsessed and tracks you like a stalker you say, so in order to placate her you send her photos of your sleeping wife.I fear you will concoct more excuses and more blame and I wouldn't like to publicly speculate what your next bizarre plan will be.But do us all a favour and confess it all to the law before you make your next bold move, just in case their are hitches and glitches and someone is non-compliant.You are outright using your wife and your mistress is fuelling your own obsession with yourself and you are undoubtedly a narcissist.But for some bizarre reason you think you are a nice guy!You are turning into the kind of guy that we warn unsuspecting women about and unfortunately you have developed a 'Bonnie' to accompany your 'Clyde!'I am not seeing a happy ending here.Surely you have a mother or someone who can see no fault in you to flatter your vanity and encourage you to believe that none of all this is the fault of your self-obsessed ego!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2020): Honestly, the best thing you can do for all three of you, at this point, is end relationships with both your mistress and your wife. You say you “cannot leave your wife”, but you don’t mention why you feel that isn’t an option, so that makes it more difficult for me to offer you better advice. Your age bracket says you are between 51-59, so I wouldn’t think you have concern over how it’d affect any children you may have, as they would be grown (or mostly grown) by now? Correct me if I am wrong. Let me elaborate on why I think leaving them both would be best. I’m trying my best to not be judgmental, even though cheating for any reason is against my morals. I will first suggest you have some empathy for your wife. She believes she is with someone she can trust and is faithful to her. This is not the case...don’t you have the slightest bit of guilt or remorse in leading her on for the last decade? Your post doesn’t make it seem that way, because you’re asking for advice on how to continue seeing this other woman and getting her to trust you, without once showing concern over how your wife would feel if she knew. Doesn’t she deserve to be able to move on and find someone who thinks she is enough and will not cheat on her? How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you thought you were with someone you could trust, only to learn that not only is that not the case, but they also LOVE the person they are seeing behind your back and not you? (You mention that you and the mistress have “grown to love each other”, but you didn’t say you love your wife.) What do you believe she has done wrong to deserve being treated this way? Do you feel she mistreats you? Now, onto the mistress/girlfriend. She is getting worse, because she’s getting impatient after waiting ten years for you to leave your wife. Even if she has never told you that’s what she expected, she was hoping for it. While some of her behavior suggests she is mentally unstable, the bottom line is she does not trust you, because 1.) She knows your wife is being cheated on so you must’ve gotten “bored” with her. Therefore, she is starting to worry that after ten years with her, she is aging and no longer the hottie you fell for. Therefore, she thinks you are bored and will start chasing someone younger and hotter. Has she aged quite a bit since your relationship started? Gained weight? Otherwise experienced negative changes in her physical appearance, due to her illness or some other reason? That could be another factor into her suddenly getting more insecure and controlling. 2.) She feels if you truly loved her as much as you say, you’d FULLY commit to her by leaving your wife. However, remember that even if you did that, she would always have doubt, because again, you still cheated on a woman for ten years. I have trouble feeling sorry for her like I do your wife, though, because she CHOSE to get involved with a married man, and she chose to STAY involved with a man she knew wasn’t trustworthy. She is also a hypocrite, because she doesn’t mind that you’re cheating on your wife to be with her, yet she can’t stand the thought of it being done to her. I don’t respect hypocrisy. Set them both free. Do it not just because it’s not working out with either of them, but also because it is the road to becoming a better person. Right now, you either have to acknowledge you aren’t a trustworthy person and make peace with it, or tell your wife the truth and let them both go. Your relationship with your wife was obviously over a long time ago for you to not just cheat on her, but also invest so much of your time and money into the other woman. The relationship with your girlfriend won’t work, even if you “love each other”, because there is no trust on her part. And frankly, there never will be. Living a lie is wrong, but I think you know that already. If you continue on the way you have been, you really can’t expect people to see you as a trustworthy person. I’m not trying to be judgmental in saying that. It’s just the truth.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2020):
 Your mistress sounds like she is a person with mental health problems, certainly not all the women in her same position would act as extreme ,and go as berserk ,as her. Personally I doubt she got anxiety disorder because of worries about you; more probably she was already quite unbalanced from that point of view then she also put herself in a situation that could only make things worse. Maybe you can convince her now to seek that professional , therapeutic assistence which she should have sought long time ago.
Said that, of course her situation is not a reassuring one and the more it goes on, the least any woman would feel reassured, and with good cause !! The more you stay with her, it's also the more you are cheating on another woman, and telling who knows how many lies to cover your tracks. So your mistress knows that you are very capable, and very willing, of deceiving anybody , including friends and relatives , as long as it is convenient for you ; so why you should not deceive her too , on a whim ? Because you will never get bored of her ?... well, how does she know that ? You did get bored of your wife, at some point, - I don't think you were already bored of your wife at the altar, on your wedding day… so you were NOT bored with your partner… until you eventually did get bored, and went seeking a distraction. If it happened to your wife, why could it not happen , at some point, to your mistress too ( your mistress will think ). And I am afraid that there's no reassurance at all that you can offer about this point….
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): You go on and on about how your mistress should trust yoh because you are ‘trustworthy’ ummmm, helloooo. YOUR WIFE!!!! You are NOT trustworthy . You are a cheater I honestly could not believe you actually said that you said photos of your wife to your mistress . So your poor wife is in her home and being secretly photographed and having her image sent . I not only think that’s so incredibly violating and disrespectful of her privacy but it may actually be criminal .You sir quite frankly have robbed and raped your wife of the life she deserves . That is a life with a honest man who loves her and will be faithful to her . How dare you steal her life from her . It is not your choice to make why don’t you man up right now and tell her what you have done . Let her decide whether she wants to spend one more minute with such a scoundrel As for the mistress , she simply sounds unhinged . You two deserve one another and o hope that’s exactly what you get
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 March 2020):
 You’re not a nice guy or a trustworthy guy, or a caring guy, or a loving guy, etc. The list is endless. You’re none of these good things. You are a liar and a cheater. She will never trust you because you can’t be trusted.
I feel sorry for your poor wife, but honest is all we give, even if you feel judged.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): " How can I assure her I am trustworthy?"
You're not! You've cheated on your wife for 10 years!!!
You have the unmitigated gall and arrogance to come to this advice site to dictate that we not judge? We are here to advise people who genuinely seek advice to get their lives in order. We comfort people in pain, and those struggling to get an understanding of things they're going through.
Maybe nobody has told you, but cheating on your wife is wrong! It's cruel! If you don't believe me, ask your wife! Ask your neighbors, your boss, your co-workers, a judge, any divorce lawyer, and even pickup a Bible! God Himself condemns it! The Bible calls it a sin under the name "adultery" or "fornication." If you can find any honest or moral way to justify it, offer it to your mistress; then maybe she will trust you!
You started-off like this:
"No harsh judgments. I am only looking for advice here."
Are you serious?!! You want advice on how to better cheat on your wife and please your mistress? Should we not feel any sympathy or compassion towards your wife at all?
Here's some sound advice! Give your wife a divorce, half of your assets, and half of everything you own!!! Apologize to her for being the kind of man you are. If you have children, beg them to forgive you as well. If you believe in God, He's waiting for one too! Only He has something waiting for you in in the afterlife.
Your mistress is wising-up and knows you're not leaving your wife.
Explain to us how a man who cheats on his wife with another woman is trustworthy?
If she really wants to know if you're trustworthy, all she has to do is look at your marriage. She has been stupid for 10 years, and she just woke-up!
You really have a lot of nerve, and very little heart. The sad part is, you see nothing wrong with it! That's what scares the woman!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): Why dont you ask this question to your wife. Maybe she has some good advice for you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 March 2020):
 Perhaps your wife could give your mistress a character reference? After all, she is the one who will know you best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): I wonder if your wife just wanted a smooth drama free relationship with you?! You are remarkably blinkered. We don't all get what we want and you bemoan the fact that you're not getting what you want, i.e. a smooth drama free relationship with your mistress and her to trust you, despite the fact that you show her that you are not trustworthy every single day.
Your mistress isn't getting what she wants either, which is you to herself so she can stop going crazy with her imaginings. But you don't care what your mistress wants. Otherwise you would leave your wife for her and make her happy and secure. Nope. This is all about you and what you want. You want the two women in your life to put up and shut up so you can have your nice drama free fling on the side.
Doesn't work like that does it? Ever heard of karma?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): But you're not trustworthy!! At all!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): Your mistress will never trust you. Even if you do leave your wife and marry her, there will always be that doubt. That old saying "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you" will always echo in her mind. I don't know what kind of advise you think we could possibly give you that would help. Your mistress has been with you long enough to know what she would be dealing with. Sorry I doubt if any of us have any advise that would help. A cheater with another cheater...how could there be trust? Afraid you have to figure this out for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 March 2020):
 What about your wife?
You mention nothing about that. And spare the BS about how you "can't divorce her". Your wife deserves better.
Your mistress is nuts because she still waiting on you to leave, after 10 years. She has driven herself nuts and you have enabled it.
You can't MAKE her do anything she doesn't want to. Neither can SHE make you do things you don't want to.
Telling her that she can trust you, would be a lie. You aren't trustworthy. After all, you have been stringing her along for 10 years.
Even if you left your wife FOR her, that is what you have to look forward too. A woman who will never trust you. Because she knows that you were willing to cheat on your wife to be with her. So why wouldn't you cheat on the mistress at some point? That would be logical.
You woes are of your own making. You made your bed, so sleep it it or fix what YOU did wrong and go from there.
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