A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So recently I've had a coworker ask to go out. However, I didn't realize that he was probably asking me out on a date. The day that it happened, he had clocked out for the day and followed me around for a good hour and a half before asking if I'd want to go out sometime. I felt stressed that he had been following me around while I was trying to get work done, and trying to be nice and also get him to go home for the day I said sure. In my mind I would consider him a friend, even with the weird following around that day. So if he wanted to hang out sometime, sure. I also mentioned how some other female coworkers wanted to hang out as well. He didn't say anything in response to that, that would make me think it was anything romantic. However any chance he gets he's asking me to hang out, or go out to dinner. I've expressed no interest in him romantically, and have stated multiple times that I'm not too keen on dating in general, thanks to a couple toxic relationships I'm still dealing with to this day. I have to see him on a daily basis, which makes me stressed and uncomfortable.I know it was wrong of me to say yes, but I've spent time with other coworkers outside of work, so it didn't even occur to me in that moment that it was anything more than friends.So my question is, how do I politely ask him if it's a date? And if it is, how do I tell him I think I misunderstood his intentions and don't want to date him? This whole situation is making me feel like avoiding work in general to not have to see him. It also doesn't help that the issues I'm trying to deal with from my past abusive relationships makes me immediately afraid that he'll lash out at me or make the work environment horrible to be in. It also makes me feel like I need to not be as social or nice to people, so they don't mistake me being nice as me wanting to date them. :/ Thanks in advance, and I appreciate any type of advice.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2020):
 It's not your fault or problem that he has never asked anyone out before. That doesn't mean you OWE him a date.
He obviously have so issues with social cues if he was "hounding" you to ask you out. NEVER be vague. It doesn't help you. Or them.
Also, don't agree to a date or dinner out of pity. It isn't as kind as you think. Instead say, I don't want to go on a date because I don't date at all. But I would go out as a group with a bunch of us coworkers.
It's OK to say no. It's OK to not be interested. And it's OK to "reject" someone, just be kind when you do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): OP here. I really appreciate the responses. I'm upset with myself because I know I should have said no, even if it meant later that day fessing up and admitting that I misunderstood and I don't want to date.I also didn't realize that he's at least 5 years younger than me, and only realized that because he literally cornered me today and once again asked about going out to dinner. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow than the next day. Before I could get a word out and explain the situation, he began going on about how I'm the first person he's asked out, how he was so proud for mustering up the courage to do it, etc. Which made me feel very guilty. I ended up having a panic attack from it all, not to mention he stood and stared at me for about 20 minutes afterward while I was trying to haphazardly get my work done.I know it doesn't seem professional, but at this point I feel more comfortable sending him a text rather than try and be guilted into going out on any type of date with him. It's to the point where I'm considering using sick time to put some time between us to hopefully cool things off. It's affecting my work which I know isn't right. He works in the evening tomorrow, whereas I work in the morning and shouldn't have a problem avoiding him. However with the way he's acting I'm afraid he's going to show up during my shift to try and find me and pressure me about it. Ugh.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2020): May I offer you a script you may practice? You can put it in your own words, and try to add the appropriate "tone" to it.
"Hey, I've been giving your invitation some thought; and I really don't think it would be appropriate. I don't mind if we all go out as a group occasionally with the rest of the workers after work. I'm not really dating these days; and wouldn't even consider anything like a date with a co-worker. I think it was a nice gesture to ask; but I have to decline your invitation. I feel a little uneasy, and like you're hovering sometimes. Could you not do that? Thanks!"
Part of being a mature-professional is also knowing how to negotiate and skillfully-interact with your coworkers and clients. If you avoid being tactful with people; you'll be manipulated, intimidated, or cornered into doing things you don't want to do. Prancing-around, being indirect, and immediately agreeing to things without thinking; put you where you are right-now. Squirming! You can't afford to be off-guard dealing with people! You never know what they have in-mind, or if it may somehow be any danger to you. Don't be paranoid, just be vigilant and direct. Being nice doesn't require you to be passive or indecisive about things.
Once you've declined his invitation, keep a professional-distance away from him. Cool your friendliness to a chill. Limit conversation to work-related matters, and polite pleasantries that last only a few seconds. You can't have friendly-chats; until he backs-off; because he will misconstrue it as sending him mixed-messages, or an excuse to try again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2020):
Just tell him you want to clarify what kind of outing he is talking about, because going out as friends sounds nice but you are NOT looking to go on a date as you have no plans to start dating at all. And that you do not want to string anyone along either. Don't go into details about abusive exes.. it's NOT relevant. Stating you are NOT interested in dating at all.
The reason I say your abusive exes are irrelevant is because HE might think that HE is not abusive so maybe there still is a chance, if only he can show you. And secondly, keep some private information private, these are your coworkers and not your therapists or close friends.
Then go from there.
If he lashes out... YOU go to your boss/HR
I don't think he will, but I DO find it creepy that he hounded you for an answer if he ALREADY knew that you are not looking to date.
Generally speaking, you shouldn't have to stop being nice to people you work with, in case they misunderstand being nice with "OH she must be into me", BUT you might want to consider "toning down" the friendliness with MALE coworkers, if this has happened before. If he is the first and only one to misunderstand your friendliness... that is on him.
BE direct, OP don't beat around the bush or try and hint at things. I think you know he asked you out for dinner as a date. The sooner you CLARIFY the sooner this will all be settled.
And lastly, LEARN how to say no, thanks. It IS TOTALLY OK to say no thanks, even to hanging out outside of work, especially if you feel someone is pressuring you by following you around at work. A simple, "No thanks, I don't date" or a "No thanks, I don't date coworkers." would suffice. Instead you said yes, to get him off your back and all this INTERNAL drama ensues. You COULD simply have avoided that by saying no, thanks.
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