A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my girlfriend. A few months ago we got in an argument, and she abandoned me. She lied to me about a lot of things, and i thought that I forgave her.Before I begin, I need to explain that I have no hard feelings. Also, I dont judge her... its just simply something that I dont want in a relationship.My ex made some mistakes earlier. She slept with numerous people, did drugs, and led a very immoral life. She has changed, and I am happy for her.The problem is that nothing we ever did felt special to me. She had done everything already with numerous guys, and it hurt me very badly.She keeps calling and crying and saying give me another chance, but i just cant. I want her to be happy, and its not fair for either of us. I shouldnt think about how she has been with so many of guys, but I cant help it. I need advice on getting her to move on, because I care very much for her as a person and friend. I cant just ignore her.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 You said: I need advice on getting her to move on, because I care very much for her as a person and friend. I cant just ignore her.
YES YOU CAN.
You are leading her on with your friendship. End the friendship, she will move on. Stop manipulating her with your friendship.
You know what your friendship is doing to her...it gives her hope...are you sure that you aren't just teasing her like this in a passive agressive form of revenge for what she to you?
-Frank B Kermit
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I think you will have to push her out of your life for good if you ever expect to move on. You cannot go on like this. It will not work if you two do try to get back together again, just going over old ground. And what happens if you have her around as a friend and you meet someone who you want to be close to. Mayhem. Push her out into her own space and leave her there, you will not regret doing that in the future and stop listening to her. Change your phone number and move on. You are doing her and yourself a favour.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Did you tell her why you can't be together? I'd be nice about it. I wouldn't say something like (when it comes to sex, you were like a doctors office just take a number, then NEXT) That may not go over real well.
OK no more bad jokes. First, she didn't like her life, or where it was headed, that creates change. It's great she has been able to do that and start heading in another direction. Now to tell her she's not for you, make sure you tread real light with your reasons, you don't want her to see her changes as not being worth while and going back to old behaviors. Also (which can't be used in every circumstance) "it's not you, it's me" can be applied here. Let me ask you this, I am 36 years old, living here in the good old U.S.A., if I were to choose to date again, what are my odds of finding someone close to my age who has little or no experience? She made mistakes, but working to change them is a huge step in the right direction. You were wanting someone to share things first with. That's OK, it doesn't happen often, but it's a good thought. When you date someone you really care about, it really isn't what they've done in the past, it's the time you share together. Even if something has been done in the past, it's still the experience you share with that person, not whether you're the first one or not.
I do agree with your intentions, I would be the same way you are now. Now having this girl hurt though, you need to end it in a way that best protects who she is. you know by her past behavior, if it's done abruptly, she may relapse. Simply let her know, you wish to remain friends, and you admire her for her changes, but you feel your moral beliefs don't quite line up enough to extend another chance to her.
This is a very hard question, I hope you can take some of this information and develop a way that gets you out, but doesn't destroy her. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 If you expect her to ever get the hint and truly move on, you will have to ignore her now. By continuing to have conversations with her, or e-mails etc., shows her you're still interested and that mixed signal is causing her more pain and confusion. Start dating again, and stop answering her calls. She'll get the hint. And if you don't she will continue this quagmire on into your next relationship and will start causing problems for you and anyone you plan to love in the future. Cut the tie. She made this mess, she'll have to learn from it. Don't look back. She's a big girl, she'll grow up and move on.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Hi
I know what you mean, im in a similar situation with an ex from 4 months ago. We are on mates terms now and its fine (hes on his way here now with his daughter for a couple of hours cuz our kids still adore each other) and he knows im getting back with my ex husband from 16 yrs ago and he actually knows him. But they make you feel guilty dont they, saying they would have you back tomorrow! He doesnt cry but it does feel very pressuring. I had a similar problem. He told a few white lies, they werent major but i wouldnt ever go back and he knows that. I dont know what the answer is though im afraid. Time i guess. It worries me for the future when he does move on. Will the kids still see his daughter, but i guess thats life and people move on.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I'm going to tell you something you will probably reject. But it is based on truth.
No healthy, emotionally stable young adult would find a person who abused drugs and who slept around with countless partners- to be attractive.
Someone who has a lesser view of themselves, who have a lesser sense of self worth would look at someone like you mentioned your EX as being as someone they can relate to on some level.
You either became so wrapped up in her looks and you over looked her behaviours-this was unfair to you both.
You either thought you could be some knight and resecue her. Most men who have this sort of idea/fantasy have insecurities that stem from their homelife. They have seen one or both parents fight, suffer depression, abuse alcohol/drugs...the list goes on. Or they have experiences some form of abuse/neglect.
That you opened this whole question with SHE ABANDONED me speaks volumes as to why you would choose someone who, themselves has alot on their plate to deal with.
I feel for her that she feels so worthless that she thinks drugs and sleeping around will help dull the pain or distract her from her horrid childhood.
More often than not, children from abusive/neglected childhood homes find one another and perpetuate the cycle of abuse by re-enacting out their past in hopes of a change, of winning, overcoming, resolving their past.
You both need counselling and she will need an addictions recovery program.
I think she feels so out of control and she wants to be happy and love herself but she was never taught how to love herself-she wasn't given the tools to deal with her past trauma and life. She feels lost and has given up and that is something most tough. She sounds like she suffered abandonment from both parents and suffered sexual abuse. Those are things that take years of work to overcome.
I know as I am 35 and just now learning to deal and gaining new life skills in how to cope with my childhood traumas.
She needs someone to help her and encourage her and not blur the boundaries. Do you know if she has anyone in her life she can turn to and trust? Any one she feels safe with?
I think it's wise of you to step back and create boundaries for your happiness.
I think she needs to find someone to trust in who can get through to her and support her on her recovery.
Someone needs to step into her life and have her go to a 12 step and keep going until the message sinks in. She needs extensive counselling to sort out the past from present and to be shown she may not have had control or power over her past but she has control and power over her life today.
Are there local agencies and groups in your area? She may be afraid of cost so keep that in mind.
Coming from you; it may sound hypocritical and controlling for you to say I think you should go to counselling and addictions recovery. It may come across as condescending and that you pity her and do not have compassion.
She will need to hear it from someone she trusts and can rely on.
Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): ok i have been in this exact same situation except in my version of the tale i am your ex girlfriend. i did exactly the things you say she has done, told the lies, made the mistakes and he was nice about it, said he didnt hate me but wanted me to be happy and move on. easier said than done. i also made the 3am phone calls and begged, pleaded and cried til i was sick. but eventually i moved on. How? because he cut all contact with me. he ignored every text and every call, he never contacted me and he acted as if i didnt exist anymore. i know that sounds incredibly harsh but it is the only way she will be able to get over your break up.if you are still in her life (even as a friend) she wont be able to get you out of her head. every time she hears your voice or receives a text from you her heart will flutter and she will stay in love. you need to completely remove yourself from her life. i know it is hard and you dont want to treat her badly by ignoring her but honestly, sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind.explain to her beforehand that you are going to cut all contact with her because you just want both of you to move on and then do it. it will be difficult for her and extremely painful but she will start to feel better in a couple of weeks. she need to go cold turkey and you need to help her do it by staying away from her. believe me, as someone who has been in (and gotten out of) her position right now this really is the best advice i could give you. it will be hard for both of you but if you are completely sure it is over and you wont be with her again even though she has changed, that is the only way she will move on.
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