A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help dealing with something my girlfriend did in her past.I've been seeing this girl for 6 months and when things are good - they're great.My only hang up is that she confessed to cheating on her last boyfriend with a previous Ex-boyfriend that she was seeing for 3 years (and who was an obsessive nut job).She said she was drunk that night and at the time it didn't feel like cheating but also said she regretted it ever since.Now that I know this I can't help but feel sick that she did such a thing and picture her having sex in his car - especially since she claims he hates him for all the stuff he did in the past (like rip her off for money and hack into her mail account).All this happened a year ago on her birthday. We've had rows about her ex's and I know that a big part of it is me being insecure, but am I wrong to feel this way?Please help me stop obsessiving about this.
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drunk, her ex, her past, insecure, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, starfairy +, writes (26 September 2007):
 She has said she really regrets it - I seriously doubt she will do it again.
People make mistakes and they learn from them.
You should trust her.
A
female
reader, gingertiger001 +, writes (25 September 2007):
I think you need to look at what you have now with each other and not what happens in the past. She has told you that she regretted it and that she was drunk, although i realise these aren't excuses but there was obviously something not right in the relationship in the first place or she wouldn't have done. Drunk or not.
All these arguements are doing is making her feel bad about something she did in the past, possibly for a reason she hasn't told you about yet or an insecurity she had herself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I really feel for you but if you want to stay with this girl and make things worse then you are going to have to put these thoughts out of your head. Each time you think of them try and cover them up with nice thoughts of something else. Dont let them eat a hole in you, be strong. If you cannot get over this then this relationship is doomed. We all have a past and she was honest enough to tell you maybe too much. I wouldnt tell my bloke things like that, but that is just me. We can live without those sort of impressions in our minds.
I hope you can pull through this, but if not, then get rid and move on, but if you do, then dont ask the next one anything about her past. Let it die.
Take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I really feel for you but if you want to stay with this girl and make things worse then you are going to have to put these thoughts out of your head. Each time you think of them try and cover them up with nice thoughts of something else. Dont let them eat a hole in you, be strong. If you cannot get over this then this relationship is doomed. We all have a past and she was honest enough to tell you maybe too much. I wouldnt tell my bloke things like that, but that is just me. We can live without those sort of impressions in our minds.
I hope you can pull through this, but if not, then get rid and move on, but if you do, then dont ask the next one anything about her past. Let it die.
Take care
xx
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 You're not wrong for feeling that way. You feel this way because cheating is an action which causes pain, it's a deceit from one person to another. If she could do it to him, then it's possible she can do the same to me.
Now cheating is a NO EXCUSE action, because it takes thought before the action to deceive the other person. Drunk, that excuse is used a lot, but I sure don't accept it. (1) She placed herself in the situation, (2) No one forced her to get as drunk as she had. You can't blame the alcohol, somebody has to pour the drink then consume it.
Feeling ill about it is a normal reaction as well. We generally when thinking of cheaters, they're dirty. Your brain is taking the information she gave you and automatically attaching it to "dirty". That's where this feeling comes from, and something you will have to work on.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 This is a difficult question for me. I'd say she did what she did because she had not yet let go of that "ex" and for some reason he still had a hold on her heart, regardless of his worth. Given that she still loved him, this may help you put things into perspective so you can quit feeling like she did something so irrational. My current b/f dated a worthless bi*ch several years ago, but she had such an emotional hold on his heart he knew she was bad for him, and treated him horrible, but could snap her fingers 3 years later, and have him stepping and fetching for her immediately. He had the foolish notion he could somehow "save" her or "change" her but neither one worked. Perhaps your g/f has this same "rescue" mentality when dealing with her worthless ex. Just make sure she really is over him before you get in any deeper. Good luck.
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