A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've only dated people that I had really good chemistry with before, but it's been over a year since I've met anyone I'm interested in. It's hard for me to meet new people since moving to a new city and working around 80 hours a week. I thought about dating sites, but no one I've dated before made any sense on paper, it was just the way we worked together. It's easy to find people interested in dating me, but it feels like lowering my standards if I don't find them interesting. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): OP, I think the difference between the title and the content of your post says a lot. From what you posted, you are obviously a thoughtful and intelligent person who is diligent about their day to day and professional life. Your title however suggests that you are a bit of a hornball.
It's not a bad thing to be a hornball...it's just that I think relationships that are initiated out of sexual chemistry tend to have a short life span. I've indulged in those, enjoyed them for what they were worth, and don't have that many regrets, but they got old fast.
These relationships can be informative about what you want and what you ultimately don't want. And now perhaps you want to move on to something/someone better and you feel like every potential person is the looming potential mistake that you've already made and don't want to repeat.
From one hornball to another, I know how frustrating it is to feel like you don't connect with others, especially when you think they're attractive. I think it's the sort of dilemna everyone faces at some point...I definitely know I'm going through it now to some degree. But, rather than worry about "lowering standards", I think you should identify the standards that are make or break to you.
Who we end up ultimately loving has lot to do with what that person isnt', not neccessarily what they are, or how they rank among others.
Perhaps it's cynical to think about love as a process of elimination, but I think it's a fair model of how people evolve in their relationships. You keep what you want, you throw away the rest, and as long as you're proactive and open yourself to others (which I'm sure is a challenge with an 80 hour week) you can only get closer to the sort of relationship what you ultimately want.
Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Totally know what you mean. I went through a three year dryspell after a long term relationship before I found someone who I was interested in enough to sleep with.
Don't rule out online dating. My boyfriend and I totally don't make sense on paper either, but we met online. I'd recommend not going for one of the one that matches you up with people, but one where you can just browse. At best you could meet someone great, at worst you will have some hilarious stories about the complete mentals you meet!
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): For a start working 80 your weeks is not healthy for you. Really. You end up not having a life. Sex. Travel. Laughs. Dinners with friends. For what? Unless they're paying you 500,000 a year, or unless it's a temporary measure which will line you up for an incredible job, is it worth it?I worked 68 hour weeks from age 23-26 and I really regret it. I don't know any of the music from those years as I never went out or listened to the radio or did things. I earn an extra 10k a year but it wasn't worth it. I wasted money trying to make myself happier to compensate with the social isolation that went along with the job.Sex is always better with someone you're into. And if you're into them, it's nice to have more sex with them. And if you want to have more sex with them, you need some time for them.You don't need to lower your standards. You need to lower your work hours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Man what a question, worried about standards when getting laid. Why are standards important when you are just looking to get laid? Just turn the light off!
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A
male
reader, Philips  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 I wanted to say something but "livelaughlove23" said it before.
So i agree with her advice.
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A
female
reader, livelaughlove23 +, writes (7 April 2011):
It's not hard to get laid...it's just hard to find the right person to lay you. What I'm trying to say is....don't lower your standards. Waaaaait it out! Make a list of qualities you like in a man--once you meet a guy who meets 1/2 of those qualities (and make sure you number them in order for importancy!) there's your man! No man is perfect-- and a lot of men are nervous when meeting women or while dating(so please consider that!) Once you find a nice, respectful man...there you go! Be safe!
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