A
female
age
41-50,
*uongiornoprincipessa
writes:This is a bit long, but I tried to keep it as short as possible.I'm a 28-year-old virgin who has never even held hands with anyone. People find this hard to believe. I'm not religious, just never found a guy I would be interested in, perhaps I'm a super-late bloomer and I was bullied a lot as a teenager, because people were finding me extremely unattractive.I met a guy on Twitter in October, we had a lot of mutual followers. We're both in the web design/development business and he kept on offering help, which was annoying me, but one day, I ran into an issue that only a web developer can solve, he offered help, I said yes. After having exchanged a couple of emails with me, he invited me out. I kept on saying no, we started chatting about our profession and he was throwing random hints on how we should go out and after one month or so, I said yes; having seen that he's well-mannered, intelligent and really caring.When he showed up, I was surprised: he was gorgeous, in addition to all I mentioned beforehand. He blushed when I said hi and started stuttering. After a while, he got comfortable, so he was leaning close to me, we spoke about a lot of things, we drank hot chocolate and, generally speaking, we had fun. However, at the end of the date, he freaked out when I shook hands with him. Two days afterwards, he wanted to see me again, but we couldn't see each other before a group meeting, where the same repeated - we were looking at each other a lot, there were some secretive smiles shared, he ended up accidentally breaking a glass when he was helping me get my jacket on.A couple of days later, he insisted that I should have a job interview at the place where he's working at and, though I didn't want to, he was persistent. He was waiting for me in the parking space of the building while the snow was falling, there was nobody around and I thought how romantic of a moment it was. He took my hand, said that it was so cold and I thought he would perhaps, take both of my hands or try to kiss me...but no, he said: "That's what you get for liking snow that much." and he laughed.For the next couple of weeks, I started losing hope. He kept on interrupting my Twitter convos with other people, even those he didn't know, to say random funny stuff, but at some point, he told me to watch out not to fall in love with him. I asked him if it's forbidden, he replied that it's not, but he said that he gave up on relationships long ago. That was Monday. On Sunday the same week, he invited me to have dinner with him and he was waiting for me leaning on the wall, reading a book he borrowed from me a month earlier, trying to look cool. Once again, we had a great time, but when I tried to give him just a plain big hug at the end of the night, he reacted like a cardboard cutout or something - he was totally petrified and he smiled, but didn't say a thing.Throughout February, there were two periods when we didn't speak for eight days and each time he'd break the ice. I would've done so myself, but friends told me to play cool. At some point, I mentioned our most recent date and I apologised if I did something wrong, I said that I wouldn't want him to think badly of me and his response was odd: "No, I think you're only an evil witch using magic to try to get me into her bed."My birthday was early in March. He wished me a happy birthday before everyone else and I got courage to invite him to come over. He said yes immediately, which surprised me. The day when I was having a birthday gathering, he was throwing a bunch of PDAs on Twitter, thinking out loud what he'll get me. Eventually, he showed up with a box of chocolates, shook my hand and, which I didn't expect, kissed me on the cheek. I shyly kissed him back, only to have him kiss me twice more and the second of those two kisses was oddly wet. He was sitting next to me all evening and each time I would look at him, his pupils were growing.During March, we had a period when we didn't speak for two weeks. I was just...waiting for him to start the conversation and since he didn't, I eventually asked him if I'm suffocating him, if he doesn't enjoy talking to me and why doesn't he talk to me. His response was, more or less, that he's reclusive, that he does not have a steady circle of friends and that he's "harming himself most". I ensured him that I love talking to him.The next week was really nice. I also left him a red rose at his doorstep, I'm not sure if he found it. However, at the end of the week, at 1 AM, he randomly tweeted that he was waiting for a [female name]. That scared me. I had a mini-meltdown. I asked a mutual friend who the [female name] was and she was really, really cruel to me, laughing to my face and she even told me that I should stop trying because this is not mutual. Howecer, everyone else tells me that this guy is really insecure, that he might've had a strange relationship before or that he might be a male virgin, making up experiences and trying desperately to be cool. A 44-year-old former seducer told me that I just have to wait and make sure I let the guy breathe, yet keep in touch with him. I like him a lot, but I don't know what to do. He's far more attractive than me, he's younger than me, slightly immature and despite his clumsiness, he often hints that he's very liberal when it comes to dating and sex. I think he even made-up an eff buddy to freak me out.What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (7 April 2011):
I think you should not get too invested in this guy...he's either got really bad relationship skills, or he's playing mind games with you (which is not a healthy basis for a relationship) or he's got some emotional issues with personal boundaries - as in, one day he has certain boundaries and the next day he doesn't, then the day after he does again? Inconsistent behavior is very stressful in a relationship. (no it's not romantic, it's stressful and unfair to the other person because they never know where they stand) You could decide to not play games like he is, and just be transparent with him and see if he will "mirror" that and start being more transparent and open with you because you are showing that you are a "safe" person for him to let his guard down around (which won't happen if you are also playing games back with him). It won't happen immediately, so you would have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable for awhile without getting anything back in return or even being rejected and feeling foolish (so don't invest too much of yourself at this point). If he gradually does start to "mirror" you and be more consistent in his behavior or at least honest in where you stand with him, then you can make better informed decisions about whether this is someone you'd like to invest more of your emotions and time in.If you feel that you must play cool or else it will be seen as coming on too strong and scare him off, that's fine too....but you may at some point want to see if this cat-and-mouse game ever ends and turns into something clearer. Otherwise you may want to write him off and just see him as a friend but not as a romantic or dating partner....
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