A
female
age
41-50,
*ovanna
writes:I am a mother of 3 children ages(2,4 and 7) and am going on our 4th one. My common-law and I's reltionship has been for 11 years but we have been staying with eachother for 8 years now. I am settled with what I have. He has been a great husband to me.(sometimes then I do not understand him). I attended counseling in 2002 for marriage but he does not want to be part of it. I also attend parenting; just to get more helpful ways in disciplining my children without spanking them. All these classes I attend.. I always share it with him. I try my very best to use what I have learned but then I needed his help too. He works as a beachboy, maintenence crew. He works from 8-5pm. My 7 year old son heads of to school 6:30 am till 3:00pm. my 4 year old son starts headstart class at 12am till 3:30 pm, my 2 year old daughter stays home with me. At 2pm I cook for my son to come home from school and eat. I also prepare a meal for my husband when he comes home from work.. and eats but if he comes home from work he sometimes don't eat if he has beer so he would just sit down and tells stories. Then when he is drunk he'll start lecturing the kids. He should've been lecturing the kids when he isn't drunk. I told him to stop lecturing the kids when he is drunk but he said I am always interfering with his disciplining our kids so he said I am the one that's gonna discipline our kids from now on. I want him to talk to them when he is not drunk, tell them how he feels, what he does not like them to do but then he said I am too much interfering. I mean what's the use of me attending the parenting classes if I am the only one to use the methods I have learned? I need him to do it too otherwise our kids gets confused why I give them timeouts while the dad can yell and spank them wherever his hand touches. I too yell sometimes to the kids, I make mistakes too, that's coz I need him to help talking to them but he said he is tired whenever he finishes from workbut are we still going to stay the distance for this long?My kids wants their father to play with them, tell stories with them, you know like what every father should be doing? When ever we are together they can't wait till when their father gets off from work but he is always not in the mood whenever he gets off from work besides he does not want to talk about it, not until he is drunk. He ignores what I tell him he did when he was drunk. Like today 9-6-2007 at around. 7:10am I told him don't ever hit our daughter like that again. He said because my auntie and I don't have respect. Last night my auntie, my cousin and my daughter went into the living room to use the computer and my daughter is the one that kept walking around and then she stepped on her dad's hand or somewhere and he got mad. Then we told her to keep still but she kept moving around. Then again she did it again and it's only 8:20 pm last night when we used the computer. Then he just got up and slapped our daughters head, I wanted to talk to him last night but my auntie was there so I do not want to argue in front of them. I can but I just don't like showing or letting others hear what we have to argue about so I talked to him this morning and he said we have no respect. I told him it's our daughter that keeps moving around but he does not have to hit her like that, shes only 2 years old. How can anyone do that to a young innocent toddler? He mentions about him paying for the food and my anutie and her kids eat here at our house, either I or him asks them to eat here. They never just come and eat whenever they want. They ask or we invited them since we just lived close so he talks about him feeding them and him paying the bills for the internet and the phone. I do not even work. I attend GED and what else can I do. It's hard to find work please help me.. advice please
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): Is he an alcoholic? It sounds like he drinks an awful lot.
I agree that this situation can only get worse. If this man is going to start abusing your children then you need to get them away from him immediately. Later on in life they will resent you terribly if their father made their lives hell and you did nothing to stop it.
Get some support from someone who loves you, family or friends and take steps in sorting this out. Whether that be getting him realise that he needs help or getting yourself and your children away from him as soon as possible.
A
female
reader, AylaJ  +, writes (6 September 2007):
Taylor Chu recognizes the severity of the situation but is being unrealistic!
You're partner is abusive and dysfunctional, he can only change when he is away from you. Your childrens safety is in danger with this man. Don't rely on prayers to help you... god gave you free will so use it to help yourself and your children. Like I said get your GED get a job and secretly save. Then GET OUT. Discussions of him "getting better" or "getting help" happen after you and your kids are safe.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (6 September 2007):
 The situation you are in seems like it can get ugly REAL quick. You are doing your best and your husband feels that just because he provides financially he has no other obligations relationally. But he does have obligations to love his kids. EVERYTHING they seem him do they will imitate be it now or when they are grown up. The beer, the slapping against the head. It will seem as the norm and that is how families do it. That is so not the way you want your kids to grow up. Your husband may be disinterested but there will be a time when he is called on it and it will mostly be one of your children fed up and asking blatanly, "Daddy why dont you love us?"
Do you have a local church that can help you. It really sounds like you need much marriage counseling. Your children are being abused in the form of neglect from your husband. And if you havent already mention to him that marriage is a partnership. There should be unity in how your raise and discipline the children. Throw whatever his parents or your parents did to raise each of you. You find a method that works with the personalities of your children and stay consistent with it.
Continue on with your GED! Don't ever give up on that. After you get that you look for work when you are able to. I understand you are expecting now but look for work you can do at home. If that means baking bread and selling it YOU DO THAT. That way you can be with the younger ones and still have additional income coming it.
In the end it will take a heart change on your husband's part before anything will change. You have to do your best and love him and support him. I dont know if you are a Christian woman or not but you pray over him, bless him with good words and encourage him. Suggest to him that finding another job is vital because of child number four coming. Always look to enhance yourself and do better. If/when he sees that mind set of yours he just might be inspired to love better and do more. But whatever you do, do seek help (even if it is still you alone seeking the help) and pray for your husband.
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A
female
reader, AylaJ +, writes (6 September 2007):
You're partner is abusive. The truth is he should never be drunk around the children. If you don't protect your children from this man they will hold this against you for the rest of their lives.I know you have been together for 11 years but if you're not careful the state will take your children away from you even though you aren't the one hitting them. You've whitnessed it and didn't leave him so you would be at fault and you won't have your children anymore.Talk to your family about it without him knowing. If they insist on talking to him about just tell thim you over reacted and you'll deal with it. THE LAST THING YOU WANT is for him to know you're seeking advice you don't want him hitting you next.When you get a job save up a small part of your paycheck in a bank account he doesn't know about and when there is enough take your children and get out of there!! He could accidentally hit your child too hard and disable them for life or worse Kill them! This is no joke. BE STRONG try to find a way out for your children's sake if not just for your own. GOODLUCK keep me updated.
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