A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi all :) I’ll share a little details about myself and family before diving into my question. I’m 18 turning 19 soon and just started university and my parents are quite what our generation would say a little “old-fashioned”? I come from a Chinese family that believed in quite old thinking. For example, they’ll think that if I go out at night, I might end up getting raped. I’m not even exaggerating, my mum legit says that every time I wanna go out with my friends. So, recently, I got reconnected with an old friend that I met a few years back when I was in competitive swimming. We met through mutual friends and that time we were just getting to know each other and I left the swimming scene and didn’t have a chance to let our friendship really grow? Idk how to describe it exactly. But anyways after we got reconnected, we really became good friends and we chat and Skype and all.. At some point, we did mention maybe meeting up for lunch during the holidays or something. I’m currently living on my uni campus and he’s in the city and still training every single day. So yeah.. Anyways.. my main question is like how do I even ask my parents to let me go and meet this guy cuz my parents are like “if I haven’t met this guy, I’m suspicious” they don’t see the idea that I know him and we’ll meet in a mall. They’ll just immediately jump to conclusions that he might be up to no good or smtg along those lines. So what should I do? I just realised that I sound like a little kid trying to get her parents permission for something hehe..I intended to ask my friend to maybe come and pick me up and let my parents meet him for awhile. But at the same time I don’t want it to seem like a date ya know what I mean? My ex came over last time and chatted with my dad for awhile and that was enough for my dad to say if you guys wanna date, you can. Although I know it’s not the same but idk. I don’t want the guy to think I’m like introducing him to my parents like a boyfriend as well... Anyways I hope you can help me out. I’m happy to answer any other questions you need to know.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 November 2017):
 It does not sound to me that the situation is so desperate and after all you have a plan that can work :).
Your parents , apparentlu, aren't so hopelessly old fashioned and overbearing. After all. all it took to convince your dad that you could date, was for the guy to show up and engage in some brief, polite conversation ! It's not like they wanted him to jump through hoops for the privilege of taking you out. Sure , this way of proceeding can feel like a bit of a relic from the 50s to people nowadays... but if the guy likes you, I am sure he won't bat a lid and he will go happily through the ordeal :)
You just need to tell him frankly that your parents are very traditional and very protective of you, and want to have at least a look at the person you are going out with to satisfy themselves that you'll be OK. Which, btw, IS old fashioned- but not crazy or weird, considering that meeting up strangers DOES contain an element of risk, and all the stuff one reads about date rape etc.etc.
You don't want him to feel like it's a date... why ?:) What do you care ? You 'd like this to be a date, lol - and he wants the same, I bet. So might as well to call a spade a spade... But if you dislike this idea, you just need to say that the rule in your home applies to ANY young male you meet, in whatever capacity : friend, classmate... or more. It's simply the truth , after all. And if the guy has just a smidgeon of interest in you, he won't have objections to go through this greet-and-meet procedure. When a person really wants something, he is willing to work, and do his part, to get it, right ?
If your frend scoffs at the idea , or turns cold on very you- well, you have your very telling answer. He can't be much into you if he refuses this very little inconvenience of making himself known to your parents !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): Why even tell them?Look you live at uni and they really cannot know what you do.I never told my parents everything.Keep it to yourself.And most of all stop telling them every little thing.You are a adult.It is time to act like one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): I posted this question... It’s actually not that easy to like convince my parents on these things. It’s like when I show even a slightest of maturity or growing up, show how I always feel blocked. And the only way to really get their attention is when I flair up which obviously isn’t good behaviour! And obviously I don’t want to flair up cuz it’s not right.. the only times I actually flared up at them was when they refused to even consider a few things but it was on another matter. After getting pissed, they finally listened which was really frustrating because all that anger could’ve been avoided if they’d listen in the first place. It’s the same situation when it comes to guys. So honestly, I’m quite lost in a sense on how I’ll ever go out with a guy and all.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 They are your parents and they love you, but there really is no explaining to do. You are an adult now and you have to make up your own mind. Just be honest with your parents but be firm and tell them that they need to trust you to make your own decisions and friends. You sound like a great daughter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): I meant to say:
"They're not really asking, they are telling them that's what you had better be."
"You're a parent's pride."
" Avoid answering too many questions, simply tell them how polite and respectful he was."
"who'll shatter or get knocked-up; if a guy so much as breathes on you."
Sorry! I had to do a little editing of my spelling, grammar, and punctuation!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): Parents have to go through a process of letting go and recognizing when you're old enough to make your own decisions.
You are a female. It's more difficult for parents; because females are held to different standards by almost every culture. Our parents have been conditioned by tradition and culture to believe your honor and respect lies in your purity. I come from a strict religious up-bringing.
As a female, it's their utmost responsibility as parents to preserve your purity and innocence. As long as possible. You still fall within their web of security and protection under the age of 21. They have a moral-obligation as parents to protect you from males who would snatch your virginity from you; only to throw it back in your face once it's lost. It would be considered a disgrace, from their archaic school of thought. Yet they are, and always will be, your parents!
They preserve religious and cultural-tradition, and maintain family-honor. Your grandparents still criticize their faults and parenting-skills. Do they not? Not a day goes by that one of your grandparents will not ask about you, to make sure you are still their pure sweet little granddaughter. They're not really asking, their telling them that's what you had better be.
Their "old-school" thinking makes them believe there's a sexual free-for-all going on out there; and guys will jump your bones at the first chance. Well...that's true! Even worse, you might submit to and fall in-love with the worst guy possible! Bringing them dishonor and shame. Oh no!
It's sort of funny, but it's not! Like guys are hiding in the bushes outside your door, waiting to pounce on you! No, they wait out in the open; and try to trick you into giving it up. They offer you alcoholic drinks, tell you they love you, and pry you with sweet-talk. Your peeps are right to some degree. You are naive if you think otherwise.
It's like you're still back in an ancient society; but people do judge, and they judge harshly. You have read social media! They go hard! The court of public-opinion is way tougher than our parents! That's what they fear most!
When you're so young and living away from home; it doesn't hurt to volunteer a little information to let your parents know that you are making friends and participating in social activities. They're not stupid, they know you're seeing boys. You can't throw a rock without hitting one. They just want to feel somehow they can still protect you.
You're a parents pride. You're a good student, participate in competitive sports, you have a wonderful future before you. They want the best for you. It's hard to see you fly so far from the nest! Your wings are still new. Boys are tricky and sneaky. They can take it all away, and all it takes is sex.
Tell them you're going to meet-up with an old-friend. Nothing more than hanging-out to get reacquainted. Do not give them a chance to ask too many questions. Let them know you'll be fine, he's a nice guy from a good family and he's also a student. Taking some control of a situation is how you gain your independence. They will press and argue. They will create imaginary rape-scenarios, and go on the typical parental-rant. Stand firm. You were just letting them know. You will be fine. Talk to you soon! Love you!
At the end of the "not-a-date," but something like a date, call your mom. Tell her how it went. Avoid answering to many questions, simply tell them how polite and respectful he was. Give his name. That's enough. He's just a friend.
Allowing your parents to take control over every situation denies you independence. You have to use tact. Do not show them disrespect, or use blatant rebellious methods. Slowly help them to loosen their grip. They'll only tighten the grip when you struggle; but they will ease their grip when you step a little out of their reach. Showing maturity, decisiveness, being respectful; but standing firm to your intentions. They will get upset, and they will insist on being included. Let them know there is nothing more to tell, but what you've told them. That is true.
You simply offer them controlled access to your social-life by telling them what will happen, with whom, and how you plan to deal with it.
They should know your whereabouts, they deserve some peace of mind.
They don't need to treat you like a precious little doll, who'll shatter or get knocked-up, if a guy so much as breathes on you. Every parent I know says it tougher raising a girl! Boys don't get pregnant, and we don't allow our emotions too much control. Not because nature made us that way; but because society and double-standards have conditioned us to be that way.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 Difficult because (as I am sure you are aware) your parents are just being over-protective. They are concerned for your safety and going over the top in how they try to keep you from harm.
That said, you are 18 now and an adult. They are going to have to let go at some point. Perhaps you can help them with this transition by being very open with them but also insisting they start to loosen their grip a little?
For instance, with this friend you want to meet, how about telling them all you can about him, that you know him fairly well from swimming, that you have mutual friends (presumably?) and that you intend meeting him in a public place for a bite to eat and a catch-up. Explain to them why you don't want to bring him round for them to meet and agree to any conditions they set (e.g. you phone/text them at a certain time to tell them you are ok). If you show you can be trusted to look out for yourself and to keep their minds at rest, they will be inclined to give you more autonomy.
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