A
female
age
41-50,
*earinhk1981
writes:I left a man i love because he preferred open relationships. He took the initiative to remain in touch with me by occasionally texting me and asking me out. One one hand, i was still attracted to him and my heart beat whenever i saw his messages. On the other hand, i consistently reminded myself nothing would work out between us because i was monogamous.He told me last night that he was now dating a girl exclusively but he still had doubts. He wanted us to stay as friends. I was happy for him as i once thought he wasn't capable of loving others and didn't believe in love. I felt very sad for myself, however. I originally pretended that i could be a dear friend of his still but at the end i told him i felt jealous and sour. To me, he's perfect except his preference for polygamy. I know it's all my problem. Just wanted to write here to let out my feelings.Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (19 December 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel ashamed to tell you I still think of him quite frequently after a month. We haven't been in any form of contact for a month but I just miss him so badly. I happened to read a number of Matthew Hussey' s columns on relationship advice recently and he's exactly the type of guy who should not be considered as an ideal partner if I look forward to having a long term relationship. Well, he can't have been clearer - he's now dating another woman and he doesn't love me. All my bad.
A
female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (17 November 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Femmenoir! I still feel unhappy but will try to get through it.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (16 November 2017):
 You should make sure that when you say you've "blocked" him, that you NEVER go back and "unblock" him, because if you ever do, you're right back at square one, with the same feelings and the same problems.
You are both incompatible long term, as he isn't going to play Mr 100% committed to YOU and he's never made you the girl he'd like to be "exclusive" with.
He's no way there yet anyway, as he's way too busy dating and feeling for multiple girls and THIS is exactly what you do not like.
You may think the world of him, however, those feelings "must" be reciprocated in order for there to be anything.
Let this guy go forever, as he's definitely not the guy for you.
You know you're much better and more deserving than that.
Work on yourself a bit more by building your self-esteem and your self-worth and once you've found your closure, don't be rushing into anything too quickly.
ALWAYS, take your time.
Bets of luck!
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A
female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (16 November 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Wiseowle,You are just spot on! Yes, If I put myself into his shoes, it makes perfect sense that he would like to find an innocent girl who knows nothing about his past. What kills me is the thought that he picked someone (probably from his group of girls) who might happen to know what he did.I realise his impact on me and have gone cold turkey with him. Originally I tried to pretend I was happy for his move as he said he wanted to stay focused but I just could not hold my emotions. I was more determined to cut him off this time than previously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2017): You still don't seem to get it. He doesn't want a monogamous relationship with you. He wants to see other women. That's not your fault. He's probably going to see other women, even while he's with her.
Do you understand what a player is?
It's a guy who likes to romance and seduce random women. He doesn't commit to any of them; but he will continue see them, and takes advantage of their feelings for him.
Those guys will have several romances going on at the same time. They even pretend to have a favorite. He tells them all they're his favorite. He cheats on all his "favorites" when he's bored of with them. That's why he likes to keep a variety of women on-hand. He wouldn't marry any of them. He doesn't respect women he feels are that dumb, or so easy to manipulate. He doesn't treat a woman he would marry like the women he messes around with.
In the end, he finds a special woman he wants for keeps. He will commit to her; but she has to be someone who doesn't know anything about his past. He wants her to think he's perfect and wonderful. He wants her to love him. He'll probably cheat on her anyway.
The rest get dumped. Even though he might come sniffing around out of the blue. Just when you've finally gotten over him. It's just for sex, nothing serious. He will already have the woman he really wants. He will break your heart several times over, and not feel even a pinch of guilt.
Players get-off on breaking women's hearts; because it boosts his ego. Makes him feel like a big stud. Players are narcissists, and they feed on the weaknesses of women.
You're a mature and dignified lady. You're now beyond the age when getting over guys like that was easier. He'll mess you up emotionally. The wear is already starting to show.
You keep finding reasons it's somehow your fault.
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A
female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (15 November 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks wiseowle and youcaanotbeserious again. I hate the fact that i wasn't chosen to go exclusive with him. Some tortuning questions i keep asking myself are like what if i had shown more enthusiasm when he talked back to me before. Yes, i was intentionally cold to him after he told me he was with a group of girls. But actually i still desired him a lot. Another question was why he picked her instead of me. What's good about her etc. But i know these questions aren't irrelevant. He is just not into me.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 You are addicted to him. Pure and simple. How do I know? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I dated a guy many years ago (when I was young and naive) who I would have walked over hot coals for. Even after I found out he was a Walter Mitty character (living in his own make-believe world), cheating on me and telling other women lies about me, I was still saying "but I LOVE him".
He dropped me for a woman he later married. He'd already been married twice and told me he would never get married again as his first two wives had "screwed him over" and "taken advantage of him". So it turned out that he just didn't want to marry ME.
20 years or so down the line, he contacted me out of the blue via social media, asking how I was. I didn't reply to his first message so he sent another, saying he understood if I hated him but that he had never forgotten me. I replied on that occasion to say that I didn't hate him at all. In fact, I felt absolutely nothing for him. He was just a small part of my distant past and something I seldom thought about. I then asked how his wife was (I knew her before they got together). Strangely enough, I never heard from him again. Maybe in another 20 years? Ha ha! All I wrote to him was true. I just couldn't get over the stupid man thinking I still had some sort of feelings for him.
If you keep your distance and refuse to get drawn into his games, you WILL eventually free yourself of his spell, I promise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): To remain friends with this man is basically placing yourself "on-call." Never place your emotions on-hold, or wait to be summoned on-demand for anyone. He is very much aware of your emotional-attachment; which is vulnerable to his will and manipulation.
The man is the classic "player." You have an emotional addiction. This requires a cold-turkey withdrawal. Just let go and struggle through it. Negate all the calls, delete text messages, and go no contact. Become a ghost.
No, the purpose is not to bring him to his senses. It's to bring you to yours. He stood-fast to his choices.
Sweetheart, you have to pull-away and allow the detachment-process to complete itself. All those brain chemicals that produce dopamine every-time you see his name and number on your caller-ID on your phone have to be shutdown. You must break his spell. I know, I know...it's easier said than done. Overcoming an addiction isn't easy.
You have to allow your subconscious-mind to accept the finality of the severed-relationship. Until the mind fully accepts, reboots, and is able to perceives how a situation has changed. Otherwise; your emotions towards him will remain frozen in time. He knows his power over you, and he will use it. Trying to make you believe he has to have several women at a time. HOOEY!!!
Don't torture yourself while he goes gallivanting about his life; while enjoying random women at his leisure. Taunting you, and showing you what he won't give exclusively you. Disrespecting you and showing total disregard for your feelings. The point is to corrode your will and exert his power of psychological-control.
You want and deserve monogamy. Too often we (yes, I said "we") deprive ourselves and submit to martyrdom to please other people. Surviving emotionally on their crumbs and scraps. The older we get, the more prone we are to submit to the will of others to keep the peace or to please. Especially when it comes to love. We feel age will limit our options; so we just take what we can get. Oh, hell no!!!
Only the strong survive. Perseverance and determination will steer us towards our true destiny; and we eventually find exactly the type of person we need. The right match. No, settling for friendship and being at his emotional beck and call is beneath your dignity. You have no time for that.
Move on, and close that door behind you.
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A
female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (15 November 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Honeypie. I must admit that i disconnected him this time (but not before when i knew he cheated) because firstly, i got jealous. He told me he settled with ONE girl and this girl was not me! Secondly, i was afraid that i would back to the same on-and-off relationship cycle which would get me further trouble.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 OP, dust yourself off.
You say you feel you allowed him to drag you to a low point. I absolutely get that. At times we ALL compromise our standards out of fear, love, hope etc.
With him, you DID compromise your standards because there were things about him that made you feel HE could be the right partner for you. Because you saw in him what you wanted to see (at least for a while). Totally human nature there.
Now you have found that NOT sticking to YOU personal standards (such as only dating a monogamous partner), and building a future with someone who prioritizes you rather than their libido or sense of sexual adventure with multiple people, you now know he is not right for you.
Which is why blocking him and not trying to remain "friends" or even acquaintances is the best option as it can prevent you from compromising your standards again. At least with him.
KNOW what you want. KNOW what you will "allow" and BE OK with not settling.
If you can find this ONE guy who has a LOT of good qualities, you CAN find another. And hopefully, someone who has the same goals as you. Just remember to NOT waste time on a guy (like this one) even if you really like the guy. IF he isn't "really" what you want, move on.
Saying: "To me, he's perfect except his preference for polygamy." is a mistake. Because he ISN'T perfect for you. And him being poly is SUCH a big part of him. Know what I mean?
Cut him off, dust yourself off and MOVE on.
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A
female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (15 November 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing - the girl he is with now has known him since 2013. He mentioned that he did ask me out and my responses were vague. I said no, how could i feel his love when he admitted that he was with several partners? I feel i allowed him to drag me to a very low level.
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A
female
reader, Bearinhk1981 +, writes (15 November 2017):
Bearinhk1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies from Youcannotbeserious and Honeypie. It's obvious that he is not the one for me. I indeed said he wasn't really into me that much given he didn't make me exclusive when i went back to him before (yes, i was on a on-and-off relationship with him). He replied logically yes but he was not along that line of thinking. Anyway, i know i was shameless when i confessed my love to him even though he told me he loved another woman. I blocked him on fb and whatsapp right after that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2017):
If I were you I would wish him well and cut him off. He wants several partners and you want one - which means you are absolutely incompatible. And friends? Well, you two AREN'T friends. You are two people who are attracted to each other but not a good match long term. Once there is romantic notions and feeling involved it's not REALLY a friendship anymore.
Keeping you as a "friend" could be him keeping his options open and hoping YOU might change your mind.
Keeping him as your "friend" might also hold you back from investing feelings and emotions into a new guy and new relationship.
Thus, end it and move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 November 2017):
The bottom line is, he was not prepared to be monogamous until he met the girl he is with now. (Let's see whether he is still as happy when the excitement of the new relationship wears off.)
Much as you love him and think he is "perfect", he was not prepared to give up other women for you. Thankfully you loved yourself enough to not compromise on your morals and values and didn't agree to his terms. Well done for standing up for what you believe in. Many would have agreed to his terms and suffered pain for many years as a result.
You know in your heart that all that remaining friends with him will bring you is heartache. He is not the one for you. He has made that clear.
It will hurt you to let him go as a friend but, believe me, it will hurt you a lot more staying friends with him. It will also stop you moving on and finding someone who loves YOU enough to want you to their one-and-only.
Let him go. Lovely as he may be, he is not the one for you.
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