| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm 26yrs old and have accomplished nothing. I failed college, don't have a job, and I am a virgin. I feel that I am a hopeless disgrace with no future or anything of value. My problem is that I am sexually frustrated but feel like I have nothing to offer women so I am always ashamed of myself when I think of looking or talking to them. I don't really know what to do. My options are accept that I will always be trash and live on as such or "become a better man", which honestly looks impossible to me.How can I deal with my sexual frustration beyond masturbation(it just adds to my shame)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 May 2017):
 It sounds to me like you are depressed. You need to seek medical help and never call yourself trash. go and speak to your doctor.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2017): You are depressed and no one knows why without knowing everything there is to know about you.It could be your early life experiences.It could be your internal chemical balance which makes you lack the happiness hormone.Its unrealistic to expect to be able to make sensible decisions whilst carrying the burden of depression.You should be ok enough to book an appointment with your doctor to tell him/her that you are depressed.They can prescribe antidepressants that replace the missing happiness hormones.It takes about 3 weeks to get a feelgood factor of any sort but eventually with dosage adjustment you will lose that hopeless grey cloud which is marring your judgement of yourself.At any rate you will be off the critical list and you can review your assessment of yourself in a month.Counselling would help you to unburden your depression and negative thoughts about yourself.It may help you to unravel how or why your depression started.Counselling can also help you to look at methods to decrease your stress levels and give you a renewed lease of life.You wouldnt expect to manage with an untreated broken leg so why would you expect to manage with untreated depression.Do the decent thing and get those meds that will help you to cope!
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A
female
reader, frogs84 +, writes (24 May 2017):
 Hi there. Well having read that all I can see is lack of confidence and self esteem issues as mentioned already. If your feeling this way because of looks you need to fix up because looks are not the be all and end all of anything beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no matter what you see or don't see in yourself, somebody else will see something they like. If it's through unemployment and no educational degrees then there are lots you can do about that! Your still young enough to achieve anything you put your mind to. Apprenticeships, college, home or online courses. The only person selling themselves short is you. Only you have the power to change your life. If I could do it on my own with children and manage to get a degree then so can you. There is nothing g holding you back you only have to fend for yourself. As for masturbation, 90% of us do that so there's nothing wrong with you and absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Get out there and start meeting people. Build yourself up first you do not need a partner to complete nor will you attract or keep one until you have some faith in yourself. Don't waste the good years of your life away it would be such a shame when your life has just begone. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 Your main problem is not sexual frustration, it is a total lack of self-belief and motivation. I am going to dole out a dose of tough love here: you need to get off your arse, stop feeling sorry for yourself and start to shape your life into something you will be happy with. Nobody else is going to do it for you. You have only failed if you have given up. NEVER GIVE UP.
So you have no qualifications. Big deal. You are not the only person out there to have left school without qualifications which, in my opinion, are grossly over-rated anyway. All having a list of exam qualifications as long as your arm proves is that you are good at retaining facts and regurgitating them on command under pressure. (And I say this as someone who DID leave school with a list of good exam results! They are truly not the be-all and end-all.)
You need to stop seeing your self worth in terms of how "badly" you have done in the past and start figuring out how to move forward to build yourself a brighter future. You are only 26 for crying out loud! Hardly past your sell-by date. You have your best years ahead. You need to get your head together and start making an effort to turn your life around. You have some catching up to do.
Step one has to be to get some sort of routine into your life. Employers are often reluctant to offer jobs to long-term unemployed people because they have got out of the routine of getting up and going to work so find it hard to do this again. It's not helpful that you haven't bothered putting what country you are based in but one good way to ease yourself into the world of work in the UK is to do voluntary work. It looks good on your CV, gets you back into a routine, gives you experience and helps you meet people. Then, while you are doing that (it is usually part time) spend time writing a CV and sending it out to potential employers. You don't even have to look for specific jobs, although that always helps, but send them to companies you think might have jobs for you. Put on your CV that, although you have little experience, you are just seeking an opportunity to show how enthusiastic you are and that you are willing and able to learn. Don't be discouraged when you get rejection letters or don't hear anything back. Just keep plugging away and, sooner or later, an opening will be found.
Do you have friends? Make contact with them and go out with them. You don't need to spend a fortune to enjoy yourself. This will raise your spirits in itself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Figure out why you feel no self worth and why you are ashamed. Start with some ground work on your own mind. And then think more in "matter of fact". You can only count on yourself to pick yourself up in this world. Have a plan B for what to do, always. Even if you didn't pass college and dont have a job. Find the solution. Find a job. No job? Make a job. Think. Find a way to get out of the dark hole.
We have an expression in Norway: a naked woman will learn how to make thread. When you hit rock bottom and have nothing, you will find a way to climb up.
And trust me, we've all been there feeling like you do right now. All people go through their hard times, just at different times in life. We all hit bottom, some times more than once.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Wait wait wait.
First of all, you are not trash. Don't ever say that.
Nobody is trash. Convicted felons are not trash. Homeless persons and panhandlers are not trash. Illitterate immigrants from Thirld world countries are not trash.
Most of the evils of this world ( wars, urban violence, rape, labour exploitation, ethnic cleansing, ... just to name a few ...) come precisely from the fact that a few people decided that many other people, devoid of financial clout or social standing, are "trash ", and ,as such ,irrelevamt and disposable.
Do not contribute to feed this way of thinking. You may not be able to stop it- but at least do not HELP perpetuating it, by convincing yourself or others, that since you don't have much materially, - then you are wortless and superfluous.
Second, you are young. It seems to you that at 26 you are too late for joining the game, or the party, but , it's only too late if you don't ever start, if you know what I mean. In life , it's always " from now on ", - for good and for bad. You have accomplished nothing so far ? OK-
" from now on " this may be changed.
After the pep talk ( which is, nonetheless, hearfelt and sincere ) a dose of harsh reality. Yes, you do not have much to attract a sensible girl with. You are a NEET ( Not in Education, Employment or Training ) and that looks unappealing. Not for the reason that you or others may think, i.e. that all girls are gold diggers who want to be wined and dined, and want to snatch a rich husband. We are in 2017, and most girl got the memo, that they have to build up their future by themselves, not count on a rich guy to spoil them. But because being a NEET makes you , not only broke, but also lame. Boring. Uninteresting.
She wonders : What do you do all day , what are you passionate about.. nothing ? What do you WANT , what 's your goal and how are going about to get it ? What motivates you ? ( see what I mean ?...)
Now, the solution to this is- stopping being a NEET.
Try hard, ot hardER, to get a job, any job, as lousy as it may sound. It does not have to be forever, but it's a stepping stone anyway, and the very fact of joining the workforce, even in the humblest capacity, will make you look different to people around you and to YOURSELF:
Now, I am not out of tune with reality, I know that in some places ( I don't know where you are from ) getting a job, ANY job, even cleaning up dog's shit at the kennels , is really hard. Look- it will be even harder if you DON't try and don't put all your energies and heart in the search. If you let depression, or discouragement, or sheer lazuness, get the best of you - you have lost even befre starting the battle. At least, give yourself a fighting chance ,
( btw : blessed child, this so 26 ! :) I mean, you are jobless... and you think your main problem is sex or girls ?! Sorry, but... it's not. Your main, and primary problem, is how to transition , in a reasonable time, from not self -supporting, and therefore, I suppose, living off your family, or off the sttae welfare , to be , at least partially, self supporting ! First things first , and regardless of your social/ sexual life, which anyway will improve if you get a job ).
Another way, obviously ,to not be a NEET, is to get an education or a training. College education may not be affordable for you ATM, or simply not your cup of tea, not everybody is cut out for a degree, and there's no shame in that ) but what about a professional / vocational course ?. They last much less, there's a wide offer also for night classes for working students- or even on line, to follow at your leasure, uf you can't/ don't want enroll full time. Anything that could give you marketable skills, and, possibly, that you LIKE . IT ? Photography ? Cooking ? Carpentry ? Bartending? .. C'mon- I am just spewing things out since I don't know you, but there must be something that either tickles your fancy, or that you are / could be resonably good at , or both.
In conclusion, while I do not underrate the problem of your sexual frustration, I suggest that FIRST you tackle the problem of your social / personal frustration. Once you have managed to make some even slight improvement in that - the rest will follow.
Good luck, and don't give up !
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 May 2017):
 By getting a job. Your sexual frustration is the least of your worries. Get a job, live your life, then worry about dating and sex.
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