A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am happily married. I love my wife very much, and would never contemplate having an affair. No interest. However, I really miss seeing and touching other womens naked bodies. The newness the excitement. It's just more exciting than the same old same old. Don't get me wrong, I don't want any affair. I am completely emotionally attached to my wife. I just want some newness to play with here and there. I miss the excitement and curiosity factor. If they are being honest with you, I think 95% of men in their heart of hearts know this is true for them tooWhy is this considered so wrong? Historically, it has always been expected of a man. I think it's unfair that we have to deny ourselves, just because women do not have the same curiosity or interestHow can I convince my wife that an occasional non emotional sex night is not cheating or a threat to her? Do I really have to lie and keep this hidden?
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male
reader, Roger1970 +, writes (21 March 2018):
I am sorry to be a bit harsh towards the majority of the other respondents here, but in almost every case they either have not read the question thoroughly or have come from a place of judgement and not of understanding.
When someone posts a question like this, you should all consider the fact that he/she is already well aware of the norms that he is up against. In this case he understands that he made a commitment and that marriage means something. He loves his wife deeply and does not want to cheat on her or hurt her. This should be clear from his question.
And people - PLEASE stop saying that having an agreement from one's partner to have sex with other people is cheating. Cheating is where you break the rules without the other person knowing. What he is looking for is an arrangement that is openly and happily agreed to by his wife, and is looking for advice about how to proceed with that conversation to achieve that.
Another thing you people seem to get hung up on is his comments about what he believes are common differences between men and women. So what if his opinion about that is a little bit off the mark! Its just an opinion! It makes no difference to the central point, which is that he feels that he needs more variety and that his partner cannot provide this because she is but one person.
But instead most of you just want to lecture him and judge him and tell him is not a man and so on. It is ridiculous to just pile up on someone who has the decency to try to address this situation openly and honestly with love and care for his wife - a point that most of you ignored.
This man is suffering. Can none of you see that?
I have found that people with a low desire for sex just don't get this. So let me break this down a bit more.
Imagine how for centuries, Gay people had to live painful closeted lives. Living in fear of discovery, having to marry someone of the opposite sex and then oppress their desires all of their life, or risk discovery by secretly getting a lover of the same sex. These people suffered by the millions. Thankfully in today's more enlightened western societies we are seeing this horrible situation become a thing of the past.
It is something of this sort when it comes to a high libido person married to a low libido person. When we get married, libidos appear to both be high because both are enjoying new relationship energy. But once things settle down, it is very common for one partner to want more sex than another. So judging someone by saying they made a commitment for life, just ignores the fact that they made that commitment and then the goal posts shifted. Why is it that one has to commit oneself blindly to monogamy but with no commitment from their partner to provide a level of sexual stimulation on a regular basis? If you are asking you partner for exclusivity then you are then taking on the responsibility for their sexual fulfillment. But people don't want to live up to that responsibility and just expect the other person to suck it up. I put it to you all that this is extremely unreasonable, extremely selfish, and lacking in honor and integrity.
Again, as with the oppression of gay people because they don't fit the paradigm 'we' expect, those of us with high sexual drive also yearn for variety that is against what society expects of us. This is a very natural thing, but just something all you judgmental people want to oppress and condemn. You don't care one jot about the fact that on your account, this man has to live the rest of his life being sexually unfulfilled. Why is that ok with you? OR, why is it that in order to be fulfilled, he has to divorce his wife and break up his family? Why is it fair for him to live with this gun to his head? Where do you people get off in condemning him in this way?
He could easily do what some 38% of men admit to doing, and go and have sex with other women and say nothing. Risking massive feelings of betrayal from her if she found out along with huge amounts of guilt either way. Can you not see that he does not want to dishonor her in this way? Can you not see that he loves her and wants to love no other? Can you not see that life is fuzzy and bumpy and not predicable like you idealists think it is?
I think you all need to grow up and get real and learn about the problems that are caused my judgmental people like you that force others to live lives of quiet desperation, just to avoid your negativity. People need sex it is important.
And another thing, PLEASE stop with this lecturing about STDs. The guy is not an idiot ok, he knows about STDs just like everyone else. You are not geniuses but pointing out something so obvious. Just give him some credit will you?!
As for balancing one's sexual needs against her mental health etc. If he is depressed and unfulfilled sexually and has no outlet, then his mental health will suffer. So he is in effect balancing his mental health with hers which is fair enough. So he is trying to find some understanding between them that allows him to find a healthy pathway to address his needs while she is being respected and treated with openness and love and honesty. Yes it is not something she necessarily would want, but at least she will have the opportunity of having a say and perhaps doing something about it. You people would rather him just shut op and suck it up, and history has shown that usually this leads to suffering, mental health issues, infidelity and divorce.
So I say congratulations to him for his honor, courage and respect for his wife. He is a loving husband desperately trying to find a way for he and his wife whom he loves very much, to stay together and navigate these tricky waters. And frankly most of you have let him down badly here.
How about when you write responses to people in the future, show more compassion, think through what is being asked, and dig deeper to find it in your heart to respond with love and kindness and generosity of spirit. Finally, also take the time to read up on your subject before responding. Most of you show a deplorable lack of familiarity with current stats of marriage, cheating, and how couples are successfully structuring their relationships for long term happiness and sexual fulfillment. Get with the times people!
Thanks for listening.
Roger
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): I wish people would stop saying that this is cheating!!If he has an agreement with his wife, with total honesty this is not cheating..Having non commital sex with other women than his wife is not being unfaithful if this is something they both want to participate in.My boyfriend of 2 years and I have been thinking of this. We are very committed and are choosing not to ignore the fact that we are humans and that it is acceptable to lust for other people other than your other half. Having sex with other people doesnt make it dirty, it doesnt mean you sleep around with just anyone and you dont randomly pick up STIs. I would however say that it is something that you cant talk someone into accepting. If she doesnt accept what you want or let her do the same, then you will have to think about letting this go or reassessing your relationship.
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 Give her the same freedom you are asking for yourself.
Dude, marriage is about commitment and monogamy. If you breake the rules it is cheating and you will find a divorce demand very soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Truth is, people who feel this way, shouldn't get married at all.
It's wrong, because you're MARRIED. Meaning, you're committed to ONE person. You did have this choice/option. You obviously made the wrong one.
People have very different opinions on this matter. So saying 95% of men feel this way is WRONG. And saying women do not feel this way is also wrong. Everybody is different and have different opinions.
There are so many, many reasons for why it's wrong. It's cheating for a start. The people you have sex with may not view it as just a 'none emotional affair', you can catch any sort of STD'S, they could get pregnant. It's just silly, honest. I can't see how you can possibly be in love with someone if you have these feelings.
How would you feel if your wife was having sex with loads of men other than you? Would you see it as just as innocent as her having a bit of fun/non emotional sex. If she done this, I'm sure your mind would never be at rest. 'What if she felt more than just sex, what if they were better than me, what were they like, what did they do, how did it happen'. Not to mention you'd feel dodgy having sex with your wife knowing she could have STI'S!
I'd advise you not to mention this to your wife. It could hurt her feelings A LOT. I know if my boyfriend mentioned anything of the sort, I'd dump him straight away. You could ruin your marriage.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 It doesn't matter if it's emotionally attached or not, it's cheating. It has no biological grounds whatsoever to say it's a man's right. If you didn't want to give up the "newness" of sleeping around, you shouldn't have gotten married, end of story. Now that you are married, you either have to respect your wife enough to not cheat on her, or you have to leave so she can be with someone who respects her enough not to hurt her for selfish reasons. Dirtball has this one nailed, especially with the STDs. The reason men historically had a mistress was because women were not people. It was 100% legal to rape your wife (saying I do was permanent consent), usually beating your wife was taken as just kind of keeping her in check, and women's opinions on anything were just not respected. They just weren't people. Now that we're people, we deserve the same amount of respect that men get. And back to that biological thing, numerous studies recently have shown that women are just as libidinous and prone to cheating as men are now that social restraints (being called a whore and ostracized) are going away. So your biological and historical arguments are just plain wrong. I actually take offense at your assumption that women just don't have the same interest in other men. Do you think when we're at the beach we're wondering about that buff guy's personality? Women fantasize about and want other men just as much. Basically all it comes down to is you don't respect your wife enough to believe she has the same feelings and emotions and that she deserves the same respect that you do. How would you feel if she slept with other guys or went out on romantic dates with other men, just for the "newness?" Because they're EXACTLY the same. There's no difference in her sleeping around just because she's a woman.
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A
female
reader, KeighleySky +, writes (20 September 2010):
 Yes it would be alright for aman but how would you feel if your wife turned to you and said, 'hey, im tired of having sex with just you all the time, its kinda getting a little tedioius, i know its my duty as your wife to stay loyal but i just fancy something new. How about i have a little exciting sex with someone else?' how would that make you feel?
If you want something exzciting then try something new with your wife, not someone else!
If you think this is a common thing then ask other husbands if they would hapily cheat on their wives, because unless your wife and you become swingers im guessing shes not gunna be happy.
get a hold of yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Yes, it's historically normal for men to do this stuff.
It's also historically normal for men and women to be drunk all day long most days. It's historically normal for men and women to beat each other and their kids. It's historically normal for women to have affairs and cause the husband to spend his life raising children that aren't really his. Etc.
Maybe just living in historically normal ways is not the best goal for relationships?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Oh, and just read about the emotional affairs. Well these might hit you when you least expect it, I mean, they could even hit you unexpectedly so don't condemn them. I'm not saying your wife was right, but sometimes we get crushes on other people while being in love, it happens to both men and women, If you're not happy about what she did, well, divorce her. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're together for life.
It happens especially with women. To us, sometimes these "emotional affairs" are the equivalent of strong lust for guys. Have you never felt strong lust towards a young coworker? The kind of lust that makes you think about this woman, especially when you masturbate, that makes you feel that fire inside you when you see her? Sometimes what may seem like an "emotional affair" (remember we women are experts in confusing sensation with emotion) may just be lust. And we all lust for people outside our relationship.
Maybe if you clarify the situation with the emotional affair she had we can help you more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!
Hahahahahahahaha... "just because women do not have the same curiosity or interest"...
I'm sorry, WHAT? If you think women don't have the same interest, I'm afraid my friend you were raised by Victorian parents, or you are too insecure. Trust me, we have the same curiosity, even if we are devoted to our husbands.
I think you could convince her only if she wanted to do the same. And you'd have to let her. Do you think you can take her being pounded by other guys, even if non emotionally? Contrary to popular belief women CAN have non emotional sex.
I'm sorry, I just find your double standard hilarious. I mean, most women do have this curiosity too, like I said, even if they're madly in love with their husbands, but despite the curiosity, we don't act on it or don't want to act on it due to respect. We know how men are about having other men fuck their women.
Good luck nevertheless!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (20 September 2010):
 I'm not saying "emotional affairs" are any better than having sex. Both are symptoms of trust and marital issues. The fact is, 2 people who are happily married do not WANT to have sex with other people, nor do they have emotional affairs. Personally, it sounds like you've been honest and faithful to her and you feel maybe you've been rewarded badly for that in the past. Now this is your way of getting even with her, possibly.
If you're looking for an opinion, I'd suggest working your marriage and what is lurking beneath the surface. There sounds like there is more than meets the eye going on there.
If you're not looking for an opinion and you just want an answer to your question, I'd say don't bring it up have sex with another woman to your wife.... I think it'll just make things worse.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2010):
 Rank these in priority order please:
Your sexual desires, Your wife's emotional health and happiness, Your own emotional health and happiness, Your wife's physical health and well-being, Your own physical health and well-being
As that famous song line runs, "you can't always get what you want." So what are you prepared to sacrifice in order to scratch this particular sex desire itch? Your marriage?
Because if my husband were to come to me and say he wanted to palpate other women's naked bodies and that it had nothing to do with me, um, well, I would think he was putting his "play" desires (as you called it) well ahead of my interests. That he had made a promise and had decided that he didn't want it to apply any longer. In other words, I would think he'd started rationalizing like a teenager or even a toddler.
Ask your wife for an open marriage if you must but do not do her the disservice of bringing home infections that might kill her. In other words, don't cheat.
Of course you are not the only man who has desires outside the marriage. You'd be surprised to find there are women who have desires too, but choose to stay faithful. Because they can, because they know it's the right thing and because to do otherwise would make them a dishonorable and false person.
It's a threat to her, no question. Her health, your cash, your interest, your fidelity is part of the bargain you made. If you can't handle your end of the bargain, get out of it and go play.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Are you crazy? You must be kidding right? You are married and your commitment is to your wife. Cuddling with another naked lady is an affair even when you don't have sex with her. Having sex without the emotion is STILL an affair. Do you really think it would be okay for her to lay naked with another naked man or have sex without the emotion? Don't even try to convince her. Instead focus on being totally devoted to your wife. This historical mess is a ridiculous reasoning for your personal desires. Remember, forsaking all others. It's all about a choice. You are choosing to entertain the idea of other women when you should focus of creating more excitement in your marriage. What if she's bored with you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Why get married? you did not need to settle with one woman. If you really believe what your saying then you are better off alone or in a open relationship.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (20 September 2010):
 dont try to convince her (if she isn't open to this then mentioning it is opening a can of worms). if you choose to do it without her knowledge its a risk you take, but you may have to accept the consequences (losing your wife if she finds out). that is called being an adult. its your call...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Well, to answer your question honestly...She has had several "emotional affairs" with people she has worked with over the years. These hurt me far more than if she decided to have one-time protected sex with some nameless cabana boy on a girls trip, or some young mindless hunk guy who works at the spa...
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (20 September 2010):
It is cheating though. I don't know how you can claim it isn't cheating.
Ask yourself if you would be happy for your wife to go and have non emotional sex with another man. If you would, then I suggest there are some serious problems with the relationship here which need addressing in one way or another.
When you got married you knew that was meant to be forever. Isn't there something about foresaking all others? If you wanted all that newness then you should never have got married because marriage carries with it duties and responsibilities.
Don't cheat on your wife. If you want other women then do the decent thing and divorce her. If you think she won't like these encounters of yours then you either have to not do it, or tell her and face the music. Don't do it behind her back.
I am fascinated as to how you can separate sex with another woman from cheating on your wife. Where is the distinction? I think you wife might have a problem getting her head around it as well.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (20 September 2010):
Just because you believe having sex can be "unemotional" doesn't mean other people, including your wife, feel that way. Sex is viewed by many to be a symbol of one's love. You are essentially "giving" yourself to the other person, giving them something that nobody else gets.
Do other men have fantasies or desires of other women after they are married? Sure. So do women. But when you get married you make the commitment to be with that one person for the rest of your life, and only them. If you don't like it, fine, you just don't get married. Marriage isn't for everyone. But as far as convincing her now? I think now is a little too late. You should have thought about this and discussed this before you got married.
You can try to rationalize it all you want in your head, bringing up the "primal" desires men might have. And heck, I don't even disagree with you on that, I do believe there are primal instincts men fight with every day.... the difference is we know what is right and what is wrong. Morally, having sex with a woman who is not your wife is wrong.
Just out of curiosity, and I would love for you to be honest on this... but how would you feel about your wife having sex with multiple male partners while you're married?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 September 2010):
 It is cheating. I don't care if it happened historically or not. Back in those days women were property, to be used by the owner as they saw fit.
One major reason why it's wrong. You're opening yourself up for a slew of STD's. Also, while you may not feel an emotional attachment, the girl you have sex with may. Then she may try to destroy your family to be with you.
I also think it's unfair to think that women don't have similar interests.
You want newness, then how about some role playing or something like that. Pretend you're different people. Have sex in a different manner than you're accustomed to.
While you may not feel that it is cheating, having sex outside of your marriage is exactly that. That is the DEFINITION of an affair. From thefreedictionary.com: "8. A romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each other."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): You contradict yourself. You insist you would never want an affair, but then you say you want an occasional bout of emotionless sex with other women you lust after.
If you love your wife, nurture what you have. Maybe experiment in bed and explore an area of her body you don't normally indulge in, or do some role playing where you pretend she is another woman secretly. If she is OK with it, perhaps a strip club and then you come home to have sex with your wife.
Trust me...the newness of a fling wears off, and then you have the guilt and shame to deal with forever. Don't go there. The mind is more powerful than the body. The problem you have is in your mind. You don't NEED to feel other women's bodies...you just need a similar kind of excitement. Introduce some role playing, toys, untried sexual positions or maybe a little porn. If that doesn't work, try marriage counseling with a therapist who is open minded about rebuilding sexuality.
I was tempted MANY times in my marriage. I was able to turn away from it time and time again. The one time I didn't ruined my life. Don't do it. You can't turn back. Even if it's never discovered (and it will be) it will rot in your soul till you die.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Sir, if you think for a moment that "women do not have the same curiosity or interest" you are sadly dilusional and headed for a painful end!
Further, it is considered "wrong" because, in the end, it is hurtful!
If you and your wife were to negotiate terms of an open marriage, and this is what you BOTH want, then that's one thing, but "talking her into it" is going to lead you to a place of pain, where you hurt her, yourself, and everyone around you.
Her self image is in part tied up in how sexually satisfied you are. By telling her that one girl is not enough, you are speaking directly to her subconcious mind, and emotionally teaching her that -SHE- is not good enough. This is going to cause her a great deal of emotional pain that she will deny to even herself. She won't even in her waking mind realize the damage it is beginning to do, until things get way out of hand!
In the meantime, you need to learn a few things. First, women like sex. They like it as much as men do. Western civilization has propagated the myth that women like sex less and are less inclined to seek a variety of sexual partners and experiences as a method of controlling female behavior. By making it the expectation that women do not like or want these things, then when women feel the urges to do these things, they feel ashamed of those urges, embarrassed by them, and wonder what is wrong with them that they want such an "unusual" or "slutty" thing to want.
No, you really don't have to lie and keep this hidden, you could consider the amazingly unusual possibility of REMAINING FAITHFUL!
You made a solemn vow to remain true to her, to love, honor, and respect her, and to keep yourself only for her. Now you want to have your cake and eat it too.
Did your wedding vows mean nothing to you?
Worse - do you respect the woman you married so little? The only reason to lie to someone is because we fear their reaction to the truth. Thus, we control the information that they recieve, altering their perception of reality, for the express purpose of manipulating their reactions to their perception of reality.
This is not love, it is not honor, and it is not respect. To lie to your wife about something so important as whether or not you are keeping the solemn promises you made her, as well as potentially exposing her to chronic or life threatening infections with neither her knowledge nor consent - it is the height of disrespect.
You have come on here to ask for carte blanche to treat your wife like a possession - to be used for companionship and the occasional masturbation toy with a pulse, while you go out and use other women for just your own pleasure. You will not recieve it.
On the contrary, your whole attitude about this is childish, selfish, immature, and completely lacking in respect for yourself, your wife, the promises you made, and the female gender at large.
Your man card has officially been revoked, boy. Grow up.
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