A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im a 27 yr old women whos been going out with a 39 yr old man for almost two years now. We are deeply in love and pretty much happy. I am a very jealous person, and I need some advice on the reasonability of my jealousy. He has a 16 yr old daughter from his previous marriage, she lives with her mom. We see her quite often as he loves to spend time with his kids. The only thing is that when we go out especially in public, she sits on his lap, plays with his hair, shes even gone as far as taking off his top and rubbing his chest quite sexually. I have had loads of people confront me about this as it happens quite often. We look like we could be sisters, and have heard numerous comments on this. I get quite embarrassed at the way she acts, I find it quite disrespectful. I have confronted my boyfriend, and he got upset with me saying, that that is the way theyve always been. I just know that one of these days my patience is going to run out and im going to snap at her and tell her to close her legs and start acting like a woman. Should I maybe talk to her about it? Or should I leave it to my boyfriend, although he doesnt seem to want to do anything about it.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (8 March 2007):
 Now you're talking like a mature woman. Once she realised you weren't a threat then she came round. She needs to see that this baby isn't a threat either, just an addition to the family. Do try to give him some quality time, she'll appreciate it and feel so much closer to you for it and of course your partner will love to see you both getting on too.
Good luck with it and keep us informed how things go.
Eve
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much Eve!! You seem to understand the situation completely. I have been pretty busy with work and stuff, so Im finding it difficult to spend time with her. But I think youre right, I could get closer to her and show her that Im not here to take her dad away. She has thanked me before, for making her dad very happy. In the beginning she would do the same thing, sit on his lap, play with his hair etc and I showed her that Im just girl whos very much inlove with her dad, so she seemed to have laid off a bit, and would hug me rather etc. But since the baby issue, shes sprung back at doing it and prob even worse. I guess I will have to spend more time with her and make her feel important in this family, cos afterall she is!! Thanx Eve.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (8 March 2007):
There are a lot of feelings going on here both from you and from the daughter. Women see things differently from men. Let's deal with the daughter first.
She is 16 and doesn't see her dad as often as she'd like. She seems like an immature 16 year old and is craving love and attention from her dad hence the sitting on his lap. She may physically LOOK older but in reality she's just a little girl looking for her dad's attention. In the past year you have come on the scene and she's had to deal with that. She will have seen how her dad likes you and shows you affection and attention and she won't like that. SHE is his girl not you! (in her eyes) Now you are pregnant with his child so what's going on in her head now? "Daddy won't have time for me any more..." "Daddy doesn't want me any more or why would he have another baby...?" "Daddy will never have time to see me once this baby's born..." "Daddy will give all his attention to this new baby and I'll be thrown by the wayside..." All of these thoughts will be going on in her head, that's why she mentioned the abortion to you, not to be horrible but because she feels you and the baby are a threat to her relationship with her dad.
Okay now your feelings - You will be feeling a bit left out in all of this too and it's only natural to feel a little bit put on and even envious when you see them together. "He spends so much time with her..." "I bet he'd jump if she asked him anything..." "She can wrap him around her little finger..." "why is she acting so damned childish around him and he's falling for it..." Again, all these thoughts are going through your mind. At the end of the day HE LOVES BOTH OF YOU, just in different ways.
Once you become a parent yourself, everything will fall into place with regard to the love a parent has for their child. Don't compete with her... work together! She is 16 and almost a woman now! Be her friend, teach her some make up skills, ask her about boyfriends and get closer to each other. This is where you hold the trump card... you can let her know there are certain ways "ladies" behave, tell her to be careful when she has a skirt on and to act in a certain way than if she had on shorts or long pants. Let her learn from you. Involve her in your pregnancy, ask her what names she likes, let her know the baby will never replace her (to her dad) but will be a brother or sister that she can take out and be a big sister to!
Both of you are trying to adapt here. She is playing for her dad's attention and you can see this and are silently resenting her for it. Don't be jealous of her, jealousy is a worthless emotion. Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear. So you see, that jealousy, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK.
Both of you love the same man just in very different ways but you are the adult here so get her on your side, bond with her and get to know her better. Let her know she has no reason to be fearful of you OR the new baby and hopefully, with time, you can all become one happy family.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eddie, thanx. I have spoken to him as she said these things infront of him. But he says that its normal for a teenager to feel like that and that it will all pass as she grows and sees the baby etc. Maybe I should give her more time, and the benefit of the doubt. Id like us to be one big family, but in no circumstances will I let my future daughter feel intimidated by her. (The way I am feeling around her.) I would like her to be her older sister where they can have a good relation. I guess only time can tell, I keep on hoping that she grows up a bit faster and that she'll realise that there is no competition from my side, before i lose my patience and snap a comment. I really dont want that kind of relationship between this family.
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A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (8 March 2007):
 This is very hard for you to deal with especially as others are bringing it to your attention. I would say your boyfriend doesnt see what you are getting annoyed about and probably doesnt have a problem with it. You said you are very jealous. Do you resent his relationship with his daughter. The daughter may be acting in the manner in public to get your back up. Maybe she is jealous of you too. But you are the adult in this relationship and you must act in this way. He loves you as his partner but he loves her as his daughter and this will never change. I think that you need to deal with your jealousy and give this guy a break. He has two people he loves very much to keep happy. If you keep on at him it will only make things worse.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (8 March 2007):
 You second reply is soooo much more detailed and gives useful information. She has issues she's dealing with. So do you. Talk to her father and let him know what she's saying and how you think it's in HER best interest to work on these things as she's a child. Stress to him that you're concerned about her thoughts and how they might manifest themselves in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thanx for your reply. I dont want to compete as I know this is a losing battle. But I am 22 weeks pregnant with his baby, and I understand that as a teenager she will have her jealousy too. I just feel that she does this on purpose to make me feel isolated. When she found out about the baby, she made it obvious that she was not happy, asking her dad if she is not good enough for him and why hes having more children.Then she turned and told me that abortion is legal now. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable because we have gotten on so well in the past. I know ive got to be the better person here, being older and almost a mother I need to undertand her, its just frustrating.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (8 March 2007):
You've already spoken with your botfriend and he answered you. He didn't give you the answer you wanted though so you're etill digging. You also said you're a very jealous person, remember that. I'd also be interested to hear the tone of your comments to your boyfriend.
How often does she remove his shirt and in what context? I don't think it's happened that often and you're probably reading too much into it. DO NOT try and compete with his daughter. She might actually be trying to compete with you which would be understandable as she's a child.
Do you have kids? If you don't, it's very easy to understand why you feel confrontational towards this girl. There is nothing like haing children. NOTHING compares and it's difficult to understand the love we have for our ofspring. You'll lose this battle.
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