A
female
age
30-35,
*itsunehype
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a great relationship for the past 2 years and haven't had any big fights... except about one topic: porn. I absolutely hate it. I see it as a form of cheating. He knows I would never allow him to look another woman's naked body in person, and he knows not to... But now that she's a video or picture online, it's okay? I told him he has me, why does he need those other girls. After a few fights about this, after I found his 'stash' because he didn't close his websites, he promised me that he would stop. I love him to death, and when he promises me something, why would I doubt him. A few weeks later, my computer wasn't working properly and texted him to see if I could use his. When I logged in, low and behold, he was searching and looking at porn again. When I confronted him, he lied to me about it. He said it was a prank his friend sent him. When I told him I saw he looked at other stuff, he knew he got caught. I was devastated he that he lied to me about the porn, and that he lied to my face to cover it up; he felt terrible. I told him I wasn't making that big of a request, and that I would never lie to him. He felt as though he ruined our relationship. After a while, I forgave him. He's been good and not looking at porn. But then tonight, I was using his phone to play a game and got curious and checked the history of the phone's browser and found he was looking for and at porn AGAIN. What should I do? How should I confront him? I don't want him to know I was snooping, but he lied to me again. I love him, and I want to fix this without it turning into something terrible.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 December 2011):
Dear OP, your boyfriend sounds like a pretty standard red blooded male and unless you are going to make yourself very available for him he is going to spend some of his spare time masterbating cos thats what guys do. And if you had a penis you would be aware of how much quicker you can get the job done when you have some naked images to look at. It is a very superficial stimulant and you shouldn't feel cheated or compared or anything negative. For me irrespective of the girl in the picture I am looking at I nearly always am thinking of my wife (hmmm, maybe sometimes an ex!). Because most guys have wives or girlfriends that don't really understand this need we try to do it in secret and if discovered will make a pathetic attempt to cover up with a story, little lie, whatever. I seem to remember blaming my mates. We need to masterbate, think of it like training to be able to satisfy our women! You could show an interest, ask him which is his favorite photo or video, and what exactly turns him on. Of course there are plenty of guys out there who don't like sex and wouldn't do any of this, would you prefer a guy like that?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
 I am sorry to say this but, if you can't tolerate porn you will have to end this relationship.
You are asking him to change a fundamental thing he feels ok doing. You are asking him to be something he's not.
Would you want to watch porn if he said "I need you to watch porn 3 times a week to make me comfortable?" NO?
so why should he stop doing something that is not illegal or harmful to you. (I know that there are aunties here who find any forms of porn harmful and that's fine for them I personally don't feel that way)...
but it's like saying I'm Jewish and my Catholic boyfriend wants me to go to Mass with him and take Communion... I can't. IT's a fundamental life difference that I can't compromise.
I personally think that women that don't believe in porn should NOT be with men that find porn acceptable. It's just like a fish and bird.. they can love each other but where would they live????
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Sometimes looking at naked men will make your man feel threatened and he will no longer look at women in porn. But a lot of men get turned on by any sexual aids (porn, female masturbation, vibrators). He might just think you've decide to bring porn into your lives, and he'll be happy and his porn usage will increase and will no longer be a solo thing, but he will want to use it in the bedroom..
It's a calculated risk.. it works for some women, but others find it causes more problems than they expected. Depends on the guy really.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I have to refute the last female anon post. I wouldn't bother trying that OP because it won't work. He watches porn all the time so it's not going to bother him if he sees you've started.
All that would happen is you would completely lose all your right to complain about it because he could just say you watch it too.
Not only that but we guys don't feel threatened by porn actors with big penises (well most of us don't anyway). We feel more threatened by the movie star or rock star you gush over because while you think he is cheating by looking at these girls in porn you are doing the same thing over Jared Leto or Jacob out of twilight.
Let me give you a piece of advice just to be fair. Stop gushing over movie and rockstars and you may then have a moral high ground to tell him watching porn is not okay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): how about this. You start surfing porn sites too (showing naked well endowed guys I mean....might have to be gay porn) and leave them on the computer for him to find, and see how he feels about it. don't surf for pics of naked women, but pics of naked men so that it will be comparable to what he does to you.see how he feels. is he comfortable with you looking at pics of naked well-endowed men? does it make him feel insecure, demeaned or inadequate? because that's how you're probably feeling when he looks at pics of naked women.he has to get a taste of what it feels like to be the one who's partner is seeking out images of naked people. Right now he can't relate to how you feel, which is one reason why he keeps doing it because he really doesn't see what the fuss is, he thinks you're being silly. he hides it only because he doesn't want to get into trouble. not because he actually feels any empathy for you. my guess is that seeing as how most men are so insecure about their sexual prowess and masculinity, that if you start ogling pics of naked men he will feel the sting and feel threatened. This might make him feel more empathy for you and that may turn him off to his habit. or it may not..it could backfire and he could be really happy that you're also looking at porn so that means he now has a free pass. but maybe it's worth a try?
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female
reader, peacelovecandy +, writes (4 December 2011):
 I don't like my boyfriend looking at porn either. I hope he doesn't, but how do I solve this problem? I don't snoop. He might keep doing it, but if you don't know about it, it can't hurt you. Snooping just makes things worse - you end up finding things you didn't intend to.
If you're dating someone, they should be your main interest and if you truly are interested in them, they should be your only sex interest.
Good luck! :(
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Porn can be addicting and really warp a person's sense of what they are entitled to (i.e. that they are entitled to lie and hide and hurt their partner knowingly). The very fact that there are people here saying you're wrong just for being hurt and he's right for knowingly hurting you and lying to your face, is why I generally am against porn in relationships.
Whenever there are couples dealing with this, if couples counseling isn't an option, I recommend they try reading through the book The Porn Trap together. It is meant to act as a mediator for this issue.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 December 2011):
I love him, and I want to fix this without it turning into something terrible.This can't be fixed. You hate porn, he likes it. No matter what he says, one day he will look again. Three times he has tried to stop, but he couldn't he likes it, and in some way it's necessary to him. Many women are in your situation. You are not a man, you don't use porn, so you have no understanding what he sees in it or why it attracts him so much.There are ways to compromise, but not if you say NO PORN IN MY RELATIONSHIP. But no problem, there are guys who don't like porn at all. Not many, but there are some. End the relationship, he will look at porn again, no matter what he promises. Find another guy, tell him you hate porn and if you find him looking at it, end the relationship.I'm sorry, but many men like porn and they will look at it, if not every day, then maybe once a month, or one a year, or once every 10 years, and you will get upset.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 December 2011):
I love him, and I want to fix this without it turning into something terrible.This can't be fixed. You hate porn, he likes it. No matter what he says, one day he will look again. Three times he has tried to stop, but he couldn't he likes it, and in some way it's necessary to him. Many women are in your situation. You are not a man, you don't use porn, so you have no understanding what he sees in it or why it attracts him so much.There are ways to compromise, but not if you say NO PORN IN MY RELATIONSHIP. But no problem, there are guys who don't like porn at all. Not many, but there are some. End the relationship, he will look at porn again, no matter what he promises. Find another guy, tell him you hate porn and if you find him looking at it, end the relationship.I'm sorry, but many men like porn and they will look at it, if not every day, then maybe once a month, or one a year, or once every 10 years, and you will get upset.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): We have needs, im afraid no matter how hot you are you arn't gonna be able to compete with the infinite amounts of boobs on the internet.UNLESS...im just gonna throw this out into the open....make your own porn for him?Worked for me :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): You can't fix this. Come on, 3 times you've caught him 3 times he's lied and said he'd stop.
If this is cheating to you OP then why are you still with him? You think this is cheating so if you caught him having sex with another woman in real life how many times could he do that before you left him?
It's pretty simple really by your moral standards he's cheated on you 3 times and lied to your face about it too. Is that acceptable? Why would he stop when there are no negative consequences? He's gotten away with this lots of times now, so nothing bad is going to happen, I mean you're even here now asking how you can fix this and worried what HE will think about you snooping. If a friend of yours came crying to you and told you she caught her boyfriend shagging someone else for the third time! What would you tell her to do? You'd turn around and say "what the hell woman? 3 times? ditch the fool" wouldn't you?
You cannot fix this, how many times do you have to catch him before you figure that out? He will not stop. The first time you caught him he was a fool for doing it, now every time since then you're the fool for believing he will stop.
You have two choices here OP either you accept he likes porn and wants to keep using it or you walk away because he's shown you he won't stop and he's not even smart enough to cover his own tracks. It doesn't mean he's addicted OP. He may well just not have the same view of porn as you and see no problem using it as long as he doesn't get caught by you.
Except your boyfriend is a bit of an idiot really because he keeps getting caught.
You need to figure shit out OP. Is your love enough to accept he uses porn and lies to you? or are your feelings on the subject so strong that it's something you just won't be able to get over? You have to decide because you're with a guy who has shown he will not give it up for you.
I bet you a 100 bucks you'll just do the same thing you did the other times, you'll tell him you caught him, maybe cry and say "how could you?" "you promised" he'll say "it wasn't me I gave my phone to a friend and he looked up that stuff, I swear." or he'll turn it around and make it a trust issue and try and focus on you snooping. You won't believe him but then he'll give you puppy dog eyes tell you how much he loves you, how sorry he is and that he will definitely never do it again this time, or maybe he'll stick to his original lie and promise to never let anyone use his phone again. You'll accept these because you "love him to death" and then the cycle will being again. He'll just learn that he has to delete the history in his phone now too to make sure you don't catch him.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (3 December 2011):
 If porn is interfering with his everyday life, such as he misses work and school and avoids you and his friends often just so he can view it, then he is addicted. However, it seems to me he just likes to watch while he masturbates. I really don't think this is a fight you will win. He probably established this habit after he started masturbating. He uses it for the visual stimulation because men are biologically wired to respond to visual cues. I asked my boyfriend once why he uses porn and he said it's because he has a hard time using his imagination and porn is just easier. The way I see it, my boyfriend would much rather have sex with me then masturbate and I don't take offense to him occasionally watching porn because I know I am the one he loves and finds the most attractive. He tells me and shows me that. He watches porn to aid him, not disrespect me. So, that's a new perspective to consider. I think some women hate porn simply out of insecurity and because they don't feel confident in their relationships. But some just don't like it out of principle. To each their own, but consider my perspective. You need to talk to him nicely and discuss why he likes it. You need to try to understand his point of view, just like you want him to consider yours. However, he should be confronted about the lying. You don't deserve to be lied to, but he probably knew he was going to get in trouble and thus got scared. That doesn't excuse it, though. Communication is key here. You have to be calm and understanding about this, so he can be the same with you. The next step is compromise. Can you have sex with him more? Would you be willing to give him sexy (not necessarily nude) pictures of you? Maybe could you send sexy texts or IMs when he is in the mood occasionally? If you are going to deny him porn, then giving him other options might make him more receptive of the change. If none of that works, then you guys might just not be compatible unfortunately. Hope this helps. Best of luck!
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female
reader, DeVaughn'sMommy08 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Hi there,I've not been on here since 2009... I've posted a question kind of like yours back in the day, my only question at that... and through the past 2 1/2 years with my husband I've learned this... YOU GOTTA BE VINDICTIVE!! Their not gonna change until they are ready to change themselves. Some get it the first go around, others it takes time to grow up and stop with the childish, selfish,indecent, actions that of a person who is single. With the lying, it's a defense mechanism, he feels ashamed of doing it, he doesn't want to hurt you, but at the same time, men are pigs! Not all just Some. He likes to look, he likes the feelings it gives him. Everything one does whether guy or girl you do the things you do because of how it makes feel. Girls it's shopping, hair, makeup, romantic movies, twilight(lol), romance novels. Exercising or you may not like your job, or having to get up early to go to work, but it's the outcome of working that makes you feel good when you receive that pay check in hand and you have money to do the things you want...You have to be able to confront him, it's not good nor healthy to harbor anything, let it out! Speak your mind, tell him how you feel and also be vindictive!! You can forgive him, because forgiveness is the key, but also let him know that what he did was wrong. By doingthings that you know would upset him... They need to be given a taste of their own medicine for them to finally get it to click in their heads, "Oh hey, yea that does hurt, I understand how she feels now."No one likes to get their feelings hurt, unless they are just that insensitive and cold hearted because then I don't know what to tell ya, other then to blame it on their parents...By saying "Your upbringing is starting to show!" I know this is a touchy subject on both ends of the gender line.Some woman don't mind it, some love it just as much and are also addicted. While others like myself are offended by our men watching it. For instance, I bought a dildo called Adam because it was molded from a guy who's name was Adam and DAMN! it was one helluva mold. lol I got it for laughs, you could suction cup it to pretty much anything(could you image that at a party stuck on a mirror in the living room)yea that's a conversation starter right there lmao... Well he took offense to it, didn't like it, wanted me to throw it out because it made him feel like he couldn't stack up to that. He thought I actually wanted to use it. But I respected his wishes and how it made him feel and let him throw it out. I told him, how would you feel if I did to you on Adam what you've been doing to me over porn?It makes me happy! It satisfies me! What if I went out and bought a new one every time you threw it out, and hid it from you and denied it, or I left it out on the bed when you'd come home for lunch, and if you'd ask if I just used it, I'd tell you no, one of the kids must of found it besides I have you, your all the man I need baby... I don't need that thing... but then later that night when your ready to do it, I'll tell you, I'm good, Adam took care of me. Or if he was to get on my phone and find me looking at pictures of guys with huge wieners, and ripped bodies, or videos of guys whoopin it. WOULD THAT NOT MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE LESS OF A MAN AND THINK THAT HE'S NOT PLEASING HIS WOMAN, THAT HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH THAT YOU HAVE TO RESORT TO THE COMPUTER, YOUR PHONE, AND A TOY!!!!Leave those item's lying around and see how he feels... but in your defense be honest with him... When he ask's what your doing, just say " Aww Nuthin, just googling/youtubin some toned, ripped big d**ked guys to watch/look at later to masturbate with." Leave your phone lying around, have your background be of a half naked man, have naked pics of guys on your phone, leave your comp up, with the web page forthegirls.com, make your history all about that so he can see it, and other for women porn sites... Do what your comfortable with and what you know he wouldn't like, or what would hurt his feelings. It's like your cheating, but your not... It all goes hand in hand...All's fair in love and war, right?If they'd take our feelings into consideration, respect our wishes next time then maybe we wouldn't have to be so vindictive.Good luck and Best Wishes with the porn and lies, it took me 2 1/2 years and now he's finally grown up at the ripe ol age of 29.
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female
reader, supermum +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Looking at porn can become an addiction, and he is obviously addicted to it. Try not to see it as a form of cheating, just because he looks at porn it does not mean he values you any less or does not appreciate you, it means he gets bored and likes to look at porn.
You could confront him again, but past exchanges show that doing so is unlikely to work. You are going to hate me for saying it, but why don't you sit down and watch some with him? Make it something you can do together. Me and my boyfriend do it a lot, and because I am there it becomes more something to laugh at than something to get off on.
If you can't get past it, then perhaps this is not the right relationship for you?
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female
reader, bluecow +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I'm finding this really hard to answer, as I personally dont see any problem with porn when used sensibly.Do you expect him not to masturbate and only pleasure himself when he is with you? Does that mean you no longer (or never have) masturbate?Realistically porn is just a visual representation of a fantasy he has, which gets him off. It doesnt mean he loves you less, or that he wants those fantasies to be reality.I have all sorts of fantasies, but with the exception of 1 or 2 I would NEVER dream of trying to make them a reality. Why do you hate porn so much? is it because its naked people (often paid) having sex, is it because you feel its degrading to the people in the film, or is it because you feel its just morally wrong.Looking at porn isnt cheating any more than you fancying a movie or pop star. I realise thats just my view.Sorry I cant be more help x
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