A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help finding out how to move on from a terrible, emotionally abusive relationship which has destroyed me.I have been involved with a guy for around eight months. When we first got together, he told me he was kind of involved with someone else but that it wasn't serious, had no future, and that he would end it with her in the next month (she lived overseas and was coming back for a visit).I gave him the space to do this and assumed that he had ended things with her. We carried on seeing each other on that basis. After a month or so, we mutually agreed to end things since I felt he was becoming distant, however, a week later he was desperate to get back with me, so we started seeing each other again.After a few weeks, I started to feel him pulling away from me again and he eventually told me that he was planning to visit this other girl in her city. I begged him not to and we had a lot of fights about it, but he insisted he had to go - he made it seem so important. And he went. It was the worst weekend of my life.When he came back he led me to believe that he had gone there to end things with her, and he was incredibly attentive and "couply" with me for a while after that.A month later, we had another bad patch as I felt he was being distant again and he told me that this girl was coming to stay for a week and that they were finally going to have the talk to decide what their status was. I was shocked. I felt that he should be having this conversation with me, since we had been dating for almost 5 months by this point, and he had hardly seen her. It was horrible. I ended things with him and I was a mess.After the girl had visited, I asked him what they had decided and he said he wanted to end both relationships (with me and her). I agreed with him that our relationship couldn't work, because of all the pain he had caused me already. But he freaked out and was desperate to start seeing me again. I relented and we started again. This time I felt sure that this girl was out of the picture.We tried to be exclusive for a month (on my request) but it was a nightmare. He seemed to have so many secrets from me, he couldn't be open and transparent at all. I was very unhappy.We broke up again at the end of May because he said he needed some time to decide if he missed me. If he did, he said he would finally be able to commit to me.I gave him that time, and within a week he was telling me that he really missed me. But nothing ever happened. He wasn't interested in committing to me.So for the last two months we have kind of been in limbo. His behaviour has been inconsistent and confusing and I have felt so hurt and rejected. Sometimes he has seemed to really want to do right by me, and other times he has freaked out and called me controlling and suffocating (for asking what he was doing that night, for example, when he was clearly doing something he didn't want to tell me about).Yesterday we had plans and he bailed on me at the last minute, without giving an explanation. I was so upset. We spoke last night and he told me that he has been seeing and sleeping with that same girl for the past 6 weeks, behind my back. It was her that he was with yesterday. He told me that he had broken up with her, but he had nothing to say about me and him. He said he broke up with her "for himself" and not because of me. She does not know about me.I don't know what to think, or what to do. His behaviour towards me has been so confusing from the start. All I have wanted is to make a go of a relationship, to build trust and to fall in love. He has kept me at arm's length for eight months because secretly he was still involved with someone else. I don't believe he means it when he says he has broken up with her. He has told me this three times already and eventually she always reappears on the scene.Last night it was clear he did not care about me. He didn't care about our relationship. He didn't care that his revelation was extremely upsetting for me. He told me that he couldn't be in a relationship, or even try to build towards one with me, because he didn't love me and would feel like a fraud. I suggested that the reason he didn't love me was because he had never let go of this other girl, and had never given me a chance. He agreed but was not willing to take responsibility for any of this by ending it with me. He expected me to make all the decisions. He then tried to blame me for making his life difficult by "choking" him. He turned it all around to make it my fault. He said that the only reason he couldn't be with me was that I have said bad things about him to my friends and he feels uncomfortable in their presence. But the only reason I talk bad about him is because he has been so bad to me! He doesn't seem to realise this.This guy has been nothing but unhappiness for me and I know I need to get away from him. I feel that he does like me a lot and likes the idea of being in a relationship, but is not willing to make any kind of commitment. I cannot carry on with it, obviously. I know I deserve much better than this.The problem is, I have chronically low self-esteem as a result of this relationship, and everything he says about me starts to sink in and I start to believe it. I start to believe I am the cause of all of this. I have a really hard time staying strong.I have now blocked him on all forms of media, so he cannot contact me unless he goes through a friend. I hope that he never tries to get in touch, although past experience tells me he will. I am afraid of being sucked back in.How can I build up my strength again and stop myself from going back to him? This must be the 5th or 6th time we have broken up and every time we end up together again, either because he starts messaging me, or I message him. I really need something to hold on to to stop myself from going back to this toxic person! I'm hoping someone can give me some advice...
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broke up, emotionally abusive, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Abella, just browsing the forum and I think your advice is amazing, I LOVE it!
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (13 July 2015):
 After reading your role in this nasty affair, I'd like to commend you on clarity of you conduct because you are more than fair, way too understanding for my taste by being with him while he is with her, that you are a straight shooter, that, as oppose to him, you know what you want and now you know that you need to pull out of that toxic situation. So just continue with this pattern, use good advice here, and I think you will do great in the long run.
So my note is about your self esteem and it is to let you know that you should consider your stoic conduct when looking at yourself in the mirror. Your self esteem should reflect your clarity of conduct and you should brim with confidence once all this is past you. Look at your deeds the way we see them here and draw strength to see yourself as I did in your post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): First, I totally understand the kind of pain you are in. Especially, since at the moment I am going through a very difficult breakup.
You are an intelligent women, I think you know this man is toxic, but the problem is "the pull." And yes, while that "pull" seems to be all about him, it's really more likely to be about your unresolved issues of the past.
Obviously, there are other things going on such as attachment and the general horribleness of going through a break-up. But ultimately, I think what is most helpful is to stop taking his inventory and start taking your own. Maybe it's time to seek some therapy.
All the best, I sincerely wish for you to meet a man who makes you feel like the beautiful women that you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 July 2015):
 I agree with Aidan
BLOCK, delete and REMOVE him from every aspect of your life. Don't LET him (yes YOU can do that!) wheel you back in.
TAKE some responsibility for YOUR part of the actions here. ONCE you found out he was seeing someone else too, you SHOULD have walked away and never looked back. A guy who will TWO-TIME you AND his GF is NOT a keeper, NOT someone you'd want to be with.
Once he is out of your life, TAKE the time to look back and recognize ALL the red flags. Like when he mentions another girls, but gloss it over... His treatment of you... HOW toxic (your word) he really is. WHY would you want that in your life?
WANT more for yourself. YOU do DESERVE people to treat you right.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 July 2015):
 Hi
you have lived in the eye of the storm for far too long and it has severely affected your own self esteem.
First off, lean on this group, they are there to help you:
http://www.thehotline.org/
this is the phone number: 1-800-799-7233
The above hotline has a lot of resources and good advice they will offer to you.
You will also recognise what you have been suffering when you view this site: http://www.hruth.org/domestic-violence-dynamics.asp
This guy is a proven LIAR and he has manipulated your mercilessly.
An Abuser does not have to lay a hand on you in order to abuse.
Because abusers also try to isolate their victim - so that the victim cannot turn to family or friends for support.
The abuser may make financial demands on the victim so that the victim is constantly short of money.
The abuser may specialize in psychological abuse - always putting you down, always criticizing you and undermining you so that you lose all confidence in yourself.
This is a terrible thing to do to a fellow human being and deep down an abuser is a seriously insecure and inadequate person.
Even if they say what, at first looks like a compliment, they will turn it around into a back-handed "compliment" which is NOT a compliment. Or they will offer faint praise.
There is a word for it - called Damning with faint praise. Which once again is no praise at all.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damning_with_faint_praise
Abusers will break things they know you love.
They will often attempt to harm those they know you love - even you.
Abusers will be masters at Passive-Aggression. The nasty remark which they then say "it's just a joke, don't you have a sense of humour?" The refusal to do something they promises to do and then blame you and use the excuse that "it was your fault, you forgot to remind me"
Abusers enjoy turning all the blame on to the victim when this is clearly untrue. Or they start a fight over something ever so trivial and they make it into a mountain and act as if they are the wronged party.
Abusers are vindictive.
Recognise that you have been through hell and due to the abuse you know that you are very vulnerable.
He has set out to destabilize your life so that he can take control and then goon to bully you with abuse.
He is the abuser and I feel certain that he has done this before, because he thinks he is entitled to do this.
He is NOT entitled to abuse anyone.
If you return to him he will not stop abusing you.
Over time his abuse will get worse.
This time you need to seek and use every bit of support you can.
Recognise that your own inner resources are still reeling from the abuse you have suffered.
He will feel very threatened by your wish to no longer be abused, and he will try to reconnect with you.
That is why you need a lot of support to get through this time when you may be feeling vulnerable.
He is NOT THE SOLUTION no matter what you are facing.
The solutions come from your motivation to stop being his victim.
You will recognise the stages he has been taking you through as he has manipulated you by reading the Biderman's Chart of Coercion below in this link:
http://www.mytoxicboss.com/torture.html
The important thing is to NOT REACT as he expects. The chart shows you the reaction the bully wants. Do not react like the victim would normally react, as detailed in the chart called Biderman's Chart of Coercion.
You did initially choose to see him. You did believe him. People in non-abusive relationships do those things all the time and they do not get abused.
Now you do need to recognise that you have been abused so you do need to strengthen you.
I would strongly suggest that you do not yet get involved with any guy. You need to build your self esteem and become whole again. Wait until you feel much stronger inside and then wait a little longer after that.
Because you need to unlearn to react the way you always have.
So I guy wants to take you on a date but the moment he sees you he wants you to change your clothing into something he likes more: you say NO. This is what I have chosen to wear.
So he has a tantrum and calls you something disrespectful for not changing into what he wants you to wear? Show him the door and let him know that he need not call you again.
So you make a guy a nice meal and you know it is nice? Then the guy proceeds to explain why what you did wasn't up to scratch based on his standards. Do NOT invite him to have a meal with you again.
So a guy touches you inappropriately between your legs while you are sitting at a table on the first date in a public place? You stand up. You quietly tell him that what he just did to you was disrespectful. You wish him good night and you ask the restaurant to call you a taxi. You ask him to step away from you.
Why am I telling you these reactions? Because abused women get so used to excusing and covering up the bad behaviour of their abuser as they are embarrassed and ashamed.
Conversely the women who are never abused and stand up for themselves just will not put up with any of these abusive action. No forgiveness. Because nice guys do not abuse, Nice guys remain respectful.
I am so impressed that you have blocked him. You need to mean that and never go back on that promise to yourself.
In the evening you may feel lonely. Join a library. Borrow some books.
Get yourself some wool and a knitting loom (cheap) and make yourself some things for winter. It is relaxing and easy.
Learn to play sudoko.
Find a supportive women's group or some volunteers in your area or a group that walks at weekends. Because widening your social circle will help you.
Never worry what other people think of you.
You were abused. You were manipulated and you were lied to. Who wouldn't have a self esteem that was in need of some tlc to improve your chances of getting through this tough time.
And start scheduling GOOD uplifting caring positive things for you. Like a Chinese foot massage, these are lovely.
Look to get fitter with walking.
Lean on all the counselling services you can. You do not need to apologise for leaning on them. They want to help.
Start a journal and record your journey and how you are tackling challenges. What the challenge is. How you handled it. The solution you chose to fix that single problem. and the outcome. Give yourself self praise daily
recognise that you will go through the stages of grief.
but do NOT romanticize him as not that bad.
Because he did lie to you.
he did cheat on you.
He did manipulate you
he did blame you.
he destabilized you
he tried to undermine your belief in you
he blamed you when you were wronged, not him
He never took responsibility.
You now are responsible for you.
truly you do NOT need him, no matter what he threatens. You owe him nothing.
stay strong.
The longer you stay strong the more likely you can stay away from him this time.
also find some affirmations and say one each morning and one each evening.
A good one is the following:
"Good Morning .......(your name) today is going to be a good day for me and people I meet will treat me respectfully"
and
"Good Night ......(your name)you are a lovely person and now you deserve a good night's sleep. Sweet Dreams, you did your very best today"
regards
Abella
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 July 2015):
 You've described a "player-extraordinaire"..... and ONLY YOU can stop such abuse (of you) from happening in the future.
Reconcile to yourself that this guy is an unable-to-have-a-relationship man-whore. THEN, tell yourself that you are well to be rid of him.... THEN, cancel him from your mind....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 July 2015):
 Wow... I dont even know where to start! And I dont know how I can even say everything that I want without appearing harsh but I'll try.First of all, I'm glad that you know that your self-esteem is absolute shit because that's the most glaring thing in your post. You have been an absolute doormat to this man. Now before everyone starts blaming him, let me make one thing very clear to you. This man made himself and his intentions crystal clear. He was never over the other woman and he implied this as many times as he could, to you. *You* were the one who repeatedly took him back despite whatever he did and when you knew, in your heart of hearts, that he was never honest and sincere with you.The first time that he fought with you and went to meet her...THAT should have been your exit point. That you will not tolerate the presence of another woman in the relationship and if he's THAT keen on being with her, at the risk of antagonizing you, then it's obvious who his priority is. The other woman was an LDR for him but you being in the same city meant instant sex for him whenever he wanted and a besotted lover, who he could use and throw whenever he wanted. He basically treated you like shit and you took it all, in the hope that he loves you back. In doing so, you showed him how weak and desperate you were and he knew exactly what strings to pull, every time you took a small step back. He even went so far as to dump YOU, when you should have kicked his ass to the curb and you took him back yet again, when he, as you say, "freaked out". you say his behavior has been inconsistent and confusing; I'll tell you what, if there has been one thing that's been consistent and certainly not confusing, that's been his behavior! He made it very clear that he wants the other woman, he STARTED OFF with the premise that there was someone else and yet you put up with all the drama! Again, yes he's an asshole for leading you on but then he shouldn't be vilified because he was clear all along. Yes, he shouldn't have strung you along but then you always had the option of saying a very firm no. The other girl is not to be blamed in any way either because she doesn't even know that you exist. This man is just leading her on too and please don't believe that he's broken up with her because he hasn't. In any case, he's given you yet another slap in the face by saying that he's broken up with her for himself and NOT for you, showing you where you stand in his life. OP this man has zero respect, regard or affection for you. He made it clear all along and yet you kept going back to him.All I can say now is that you need counseling and you need it now. Whatever you do, dont give in to him because you have to realize that he will never be yours, he will never love you the way you want him to and he will never, ever give you the happiness that you deserve. You're just running looking for that elusive light at the end of the tunnel when in reality, you've voluntarily put yourself in a tunnel that is pitch-black and endless and you are running away from the light, not towards it.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (13 July 2015):
Blocking him from getting in touch prevents him from spinning more lies to suck you back in. Tell any friends he might contact that, if he does, they’re not to tell you and they should ignore him. Lean on any trusted friends or relatives to tell them how you feel. They will probably tell you, as I am going to, that he never cared for you. He used you and the other girl, and he kept doing it because you kept taking him back. You write: “I feel that he does like me a lot and likes the idea of a relationship.” I’m afraid you’re in denial and need to wise up. What evidence is there for this? He charmingly convinces you so you take him back, then he drops you all over again. That’s not how you treat some-one you like, or might want to enter a relationship with. He told you at the beginning he was seeing some-one else, and you still got together with him, so you knew what he was like.
If you’ve blocked him, you’ve given yourself the space to heal. In time your sadness and anger will fade, but take something from this. Recognise that if you’re having to give some-one chance after chance when they keep repeating the same patterns, it’s a red flag. Recognise that if some-one is involved with some-one else and wants to start seeing you before they’ve done the decent thing and left her, it’s a red flag. Learn to spot the signs of trouble ahead so you can get out quickly next time.
There is no quick fix for raising your self-esteem, which he has no doubt battered. However, your confidence will come back gradually as you start to see that he was treating you badly, and that it wasn’t the case that you deserved it or had done anything to deserve it.
I wish you all the very best.
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