A
female
age
26-29,
*lley96
writes:My boyfriend and i plan on getting a place together once he gets done with harvest. We will be saving up before hand and are working. While living together both of us will be going to school, im currently attending already. The hard part is that isn't, i have an older sister and a younger, who has autism. As of late my sister and i have been the main caregivers of our brother. My older sister will be getting a place as soon as things get settled with her credit.The credit issue is because our mother put a bmw in my sisters name and never made payments on the vehicle. My sister has been planning on getting a place that has enough room for my brother and i. When CPS got involved luckily my sister had a place for my brother and i, and we stayed there till the next school year had started. Unfortunately my sister was not able to keep the house because our mother had went to jail for the ump-teenth time.My Bf and I both of us feel confident in our relationship. We have went over making budgets for groceries and etc. Also how we will be splitting the chores and we will be getting a two bedroom place for when my brother comes over. We understand that we will notice things that the other does and there maybe disagreements along the way.My main concern is my sister. How am I going to tell my sister, as we have grown up she has been my " surrogate mother" because of the situation we have been forced into.I can understand why she still see's me as a child, or rather her little sister even though im 19; which can be a bit patronizing. However i think i would be happier with my own place.I love both my siblings very much and will still be helping with our younger brother. However i feel as though my sister might see me as selfish and that im picking my boyfriend over my family, which is not the case. I have talked about this a lot with my boyfriend because it has been my main concern.... We decided that he would be there when we tell both my mother and sister. Mainly because i know how they are and they may say no, or give very passive aggressive comments on the decision im making. I know my mother may act like she cares but i know that if it doesnt benefit her then she doesnt give ita thought.My sister see's my boyfriend as an outsider and i'm sure she thinks our relationship will not last due to my previous relationships. However my boyfriend hasn't given her any reason not to like him. She doesnt understand why he's so quiet and tries to compare him to her boyfriend, which is not fair. The only reason why my boyfriend doesn't speak with her because of the judgments she has made about him. When i lived with her before she took over the role as mom, i wanted a sister and not another mother. Even my boyfriend has said that both my mother and sister treat me like a child. Everyone starts somewhere when they are on their own. I think this will help me mature a bit more and help my sister see im not a child. I know its a bit jumbled but this has been floating around in my head for the past month... i want to make the right decision for me and hope that i would have some family support and not be shunned for thinking about myself for once. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, alley96 +, writes (14 July 2015):
alley96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous female reply er. i will not be abandoning my sister with my brother and yes i'm sure she had her own hopes and dreams just like me. And no it was not her decision to take on that role, but neither was it mine to take on that role for our brother, however it is. We both have been dealt with the responsibility that should be solely our parents. We have both expressed this numerous times. I would not be moving far away, i would be minutes from the college im attending and most likely only a few minutes away from her house when she gets it. I have taken her position into consideration, however i cannot always live with her. She needs her own space and so do i. As i said before i will be helping taking care of our brother like i have always done; hence the reason my boyfriend and i will be getting a two bedroom when my brother comes over. Also it is not all on my sister like you assumed.Sometime in the near future we will be working on getting a day time nurse for our brother which will be a great help.
A
female
reader, alley96 +, writes (13 July 2015):
alley96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your advice and you're right. My boyfriend and I have been through quite a bit, and he's helped tremendously. We both love each other very much and feel as though we will be happier this way. Due o an argument my mother and I had in the past months he wasn't able to stay at my house. Also my mother can be quite deceitful and manipulative, especially in when she's taken pills, that's her specialty. It was very hard to see him go because I haven't had anybody love and care for me the way he does. So he had went back across the state to stay with his mom and is currently working harvest to ave money for when he comes back over to the western part of the state, which then we will be looking at a potential place to stay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): I'm really happy for you that things are working out with your boyfriend and you want to take it to the next level and be independent etc...
But don't forget that your sister didn't choose to be a surrogate mother at a young age. She probably had hopes and dreams to do whatever she wanted as well, maybe move in with her boyfriend or something else that didn't involve putting you first. But she did.
If you leave, she remains essentially the primary carer for your brother. She is his sister, just as much as you are so my biggest piece of advice is that you move only a walking distance away from your sister. This way you don't leave her to look after him on her own.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (13 July 2015):
My suggestion would be to emphasise how much your family will still be an important part of your life, how you want to see them regularly and continue to support your younger brother. Tell them that you and your boyfriend are serious, and that he makes you happy. Explain that you’ve given it a lot of thought and are confident that this is the right thing to do as you have grown up now and are ready to move to a new phase of your life. I agree with the previous poster that you may not get approval. Your sister possibly finds it hard to let go of that mothering role she has assumed, and you may find that they take their time to come around to the idea. If this does happen, you’ll still have to stick to your guns as you can’t put your own life on hold to please others. However, if you invite them to your new home, go and see them regularly and really show that they still matter a lot to you, they’ll either have a change of heart, or just accept it and get on with it. What a great support your boyfriend sounds.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): you have the right to make your own decisions and it is very thoughtful of you to feel its time to tell your sister, mum and younger autistic brother. If you are looking for approval you may not get it because if your family is dysfunctional they will just follow old familiar pathways of disharmony, but , as you are nineteen you dont need their approval, excitment or expectation of a happy future.You are not leaving the family, you are not heading off to jail for the umpteenth time, you are just taking steps towards your own independent future. You are not cutting off your autistic brother, or disrespscting your older sisters homecooking..you are just allowing her and her boyfriend a little more privacy, a little less worry and responsibility and as you managed your first baby steps alone , so too will you manage your fist steps into greater adult maturity..remind her of that if necessary..Everyone tumbles and falls occassionally but there is no reason to assume you will suffer more than others at this stage as your boyfriend sounds quite reasonable too.How to say goodbye...well dont..you can tell them they are invited to a little house warming party , just for you all..at your new place...or if you dont want your new home to become second family central, ask them to join you with a glass of cheapo champagne and minibites at first home. Its not the end of anything.Its a new beginning!
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