A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently turned 33 and over recent years have experienced an increase in people enquiring about my love life status. This in turn forces me to assess my personal circumstances, specifically my lack of social skills. I have always struggled with informal group situations, language and humour. Mentally I am very slow, which makes following conversations in real time extremely challenging. I also find it hard to relate and/or empathise with others. Conventional theory points at the need to widen your social contacts and activities to gain skills and increase the likelihood of finding a partner. I believe I have tried, but face insurmountable barriers given my innate difficulties. I am at a crossroads and wonder if there is any point investing more time pursuing relationships/friendships. Does anyone relate to what I have written and can provide advice on how I could better manage social situations? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 I agree with the others… you write very well! Unless you received help writing this question, you should be very proud of your knowledge of grammar and vocabulary.
You wrote, “Mentally I am very slow, which makes following conversations in real time extremely challenging. I also find it hard to relate and/or empathise with others.” Have you spoken with a psychiatrist about this? I’m not a doctor, but I have to wonder if you have High Functioning Autism (aka Asperger’s Syndrome)? Here is a link to the WebMD website, with information regarding this disorder:
http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/high-functioning-autism
My advice for you is to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, so you can receive help pertaining to social interactions. Are you currently receiving counseling?
A
female
reader, Lisa206 +, writes (12 February 2011):
 well for starters you should join a writers club since you are mentally slow yet use big huge long grown up words
=)
who needs another talking man who wants to be the center of attention?
be a good listener. fetch glasses of wine for people sitting alone. not everyone has fast paced brilliant conversation.
give compliments on simple things. have a nice smile and be amiable and friendly.
practice having conversations in your head... not out loud on the train as people will think you are off
frankly I am sick of heated conversations that turn into competitions of who is the smartest
It would be lovely to simply chat and observe nice things about the world
good luck to you
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (12 February 2011):
I'm kind of similar. I'm 30 with a lot going for me, but I'm perpetually single. And recently, a lot of people have been kind of talking about that too much, taking too much of an interest in my love life. First of all, if people inquiring into your personal life makes you feel uncomfortable, or makes you think about yourself in a negative way, simply do not entertain their inquiries. Abruptly change the subject or something. They will take the hint. On the other hand, these people probably think highly of you and want to see you in a fulfilling relationship, so they're just curious, and they may be willing to help. You might ask if they know any single girls.
I find it interesting that you say you are mentally very slow. You obviously have a good grasp of vocabulary and grammar. Is it possible group conversations simply bore you? And that's the reason you have trouble following? Maybe instead of trying to follow a conversation, you should try to lead it. That doesn't necessarily mean you do all the talking. Think of a good interviewer--they're going to ask people questions about themselves because people like talking about themselves. A good interviewer will control the direction of a conversation, but do very little of the talking.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (12 February 2011):
 I think you are got to stop being so tough on yourself. If you are an introverted person who struggles with social skills then you are not alone. It is also true that you are unlikely to find perfect romance with the sorts of people who thrive in the party environment. I think everyone gets an increase in questioning about their love life in their 30's. I got enough Bridget Jones jokes before I met my husband. You say you are mentally slow, but this is just a disposition (think tortoise and hare!). You certainly don't lack intellect by the way you express yourself in your post. Self acceptance is the first step towards finding a partner. None of us are perfect, but a relationship is founded on mutual acceptance of each others faults. I think rather than actively seeking dates and prowling the bars you need to figure out what your interests and hobbies are. You then need to join social groups with the same interests in your community. You might not find Ms Right this way but unless you try then you don't know. You could think about evening classes or anything that you would find stimulating anyway. If you put yourself in social situations that you find agony then it will end up with you feeling miserable. Far better to wait until you find a girl who accepts you for just who you are.
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