A
female
age
51-59,
*race89
writes:i have been married 14 year and the first couple of years were good but then i got insecure and snooped and as he says i was controlling him for a long time. I have been going to counseling but haven't quite been there the last couple months but she is having me work on me so it doesn"t help with my question about being a best friend to him. i have been taking my bi polar meds faithfully.But because i acted the way i did and was not a good friend he fells he cant trust to tell me anything because of how i acted and responded to the answers he gave me when i asked questions. i want him to tell me things cause i feel i have changed and i want to prove i have changed by answering my questions which he considers digging questions but he doesn't want to answer because he doesn't think i have changed.so he has other friends that are girls that he feels he can tell anything and considers them a good friend. In fact i asked him if the girl he likes who he is kinda obsed about and admitted he loves her. and and wishes she could see how much he loves her a (i read that in his journal but he did admit he loved her and was working on his obsession with her). i asked him if she or any of your other friends had surgery the same day as me and maybe around the same time would you go to there surgery or see them? And he said "ya is that is ok? cause they are good friend and they were there for me especially the one he obsess about were there for me when you weren't i tried going to you but you were caught up in your own problems and didn't see mine" it hurts like hell to know this and know i did it to myself and i have long ways to fix it if i can. How do i fix this? How can i be his best friend? he wants me to be but he can't trust me i guess and is afraid what he says or his answer's are never right. How do i prove or show him i can be a best friend and that i have changed when he won't answers questions cause he is afraid of what i will do or say with the answers? what am i doing wrong?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 I just googled Ashley Madison and seen that is a dating site for people who are already in a relationship. A cheaters dating site, basically. And since it is not free, I guess that people who join it are really motivated, they are not on the site just for killing time.
I am not sure that I would want to be best friends with a husband that either has been cheating on me or is planning to do it ASAP.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 January 2012):
I just googled Ashley Madison and seen that is a dating site for people who are already in a relationship. A cheaters dating site, basically. And since it is not free, I guess that people who join it are really motivated, they are not on the site just for killing time.
I am not sure that I would want to be best friends with a husband that either has been cheating on me or is planning to do it ASAP.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 January 2012):
 The way to prove he can trust you with questions is to stop asking them. You've been unable to prove you've changed because you haven't changed. Not because he won't co-operate. You're doing the same things you did before but expecting a different outcome.
From what you've described I cannot figure out how he is using your illness to control you. Not when evidence to the contrary is obvious. He has placed no restrictions upon you. You're free to say and do as you please. It is he who has to censure himself.
You must behave in a way that is consistant with how you want to be treated. If you want your husband to see you as an easy going, confident, loyal, trustworthy person he can be himself with, then you must be that person.
I second Code Warrior's advice about saving your emotional purges for your therapist. Presumably that person is insightful and objective enough to be able to guide you toward some positive changes and your husband has heard it all before. He can't see you as someone fun to be with if all he hears is grief and suspicion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2012): You can't make yourself into someone's best friend if they don't trust you. Best friendship happens by mutual voluntary meeting of the minds. VOLUNTARY is the word. for it to happen you have to be someone that he can feel safe around. This is how to make someone feel UNsafe:
1. Asking them a lot of questions. Trying to get inside their head when they clearly do not want to let you in.
2. Getting angry at their responses when you pepper them with questions. This makes them not want to let you get inside their head anymore, because whenever they do (or when you force your way in), you punish them. You are putting this person in a double bind: if he doesn't answer your questions, you get mad or you make him uncomfortable until he answers. Then when he answers, you get mad. This is a surefire way to kill a relationship.
3. Snooping in their journal, email, etc. This is also a surefire way to kill a relationship. It's a betrayal of trust.
So your contribution to this marriage deteriorating is your behavior towards him.
His contribution to this marriage deteriorating is that he stayed in this marriage while so unhappy. He should have either worked with you sooner or earlier or, if he couldn't, he should have divorced you. I don't expect him to reject support or happiness from other people if you're making his life at home so miserable. But it's not right for him to continue the marriage (no matter how miserable it is) while cheating.
So what can you do? I suggest:
1. Stop asking him all those questions like the one about surgery. Just let him be. YOU have to learn to take care of your own anxiety and feelings and not demand that he take care of your feelings for you by telling you things to make you feel better. You need to stop playing "gotcha!" with him.
2. respect his right to put up walls around himself against you, because you are the reason he has those walls to begin with.
3. work on yourself, and let him be. Let the ball be in his court to open up as much or as little as he wants, for however long it takes. it could take YEARS before he can finally trust you, I'm not kidding. But if you truly want to be his best friend again, if you BOTH are committed to this marriage, then this is what you have to do however long it takes. If you can't do this, that's OK too. Not every relationship can be repaired. In which case, you should shift gears and think about parting ways, learning from this mistake and moving on without repeating these mistakes in your next relationship.
"is this why he has a ashley madison account? am i the reason why he has it? will he stop when i get better? how do i become trust worthy and have him see it and believe it? am i going up a hill to find out i will never make it?"
I don't know if this is why he has a ashley madison account. but often, when people cheat it's because they are very miserable in their marriage and yet don't/can't get a divorce. so the cheating is their escape to ease their misery, like how some other people turn to drinking to ease their misery. I dont' know if you are the reason for his misery or if he has other reasons too. but clearly he is very unhappy with you and the marriage. and yet he doesn't come out and divorce you.
You need to have a talk or more with him about expectations and ground rules that still hold no matter how miserable you both are. If you are going to stay married, then he has to stop cheating no matter how unhappy he is with you. If he feels that he has a right to cheat on you because of how you have treated him in the past, well that's not valid because this attitude does nothing to rebuild the relationship. So if this is his attitude, take it as a sign that you should get divorced.
You have to have a serious talk about whether you are both committed to working on this marriage. The agreement has to be that he will stop cheating on you even though he feels very miserable with you. And you will work on yourself to stop making him feel miserable. if he feels SO unhappy with the marriage that he wants or needs the attention from other women, he should come right out and have the guts to seek a divorce and accept the consequences that come with divorce (like losing custody of kids, losing income) instead of cheating while staying.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (8 January 2012):
This has nothing to do with you. He is a rat...controlling you...
It looks like you snooped BECAUSE you didn't trust him. He is being the manipulator, not you. He is using your illness as an excuse to not confide in you. The truth is, if he has an Ashley Madison account he may be cheating on you. There is no reason for a married man who is monogamous and faithful to his wife to have an active Ashley Madison account.
I am truly truly sorry.
If anything, you need couples counseling. If you haven't told your counselor about the Ashley Madison account he has or what you have read in his journal I suggest you do. You may also want to consult with a divorce lawyer. If he refuses to attend coupled counselling, go alone and speak with the counselor anyway.
Code_warrior has given you terrible advice. You aren't at fault here. Your husband is.
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A
female
reader, grace89 +, writes (7 January 2012):
grace89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionis this why he has a ashley madison account? am i the reason why he has it? will he stop when i get better? how do i become trust worthy and have him see it and believe it? am i going up a hill to find out i will never make it?
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A
female
reader, grace89 +, writes (7 January 2012):
grace89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your honesty and you are right. I will do what you say.
how do i become trust worthy and have him see it and believe it?
Will he ever see that i have changed or am i always going up a hill and never getting anywhere?
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