A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi I know this problem doesn't directly have a lot to do with relationships but it affects everything in my my life and I don't know where else to try for help. This probably doesn't do this any justice but I hope it's enoughAbout five years ago my mum died really suddenly with no warning when I was about 10. Although my dad was there immediately for me I never felt we were in it together, the fact her started dating again what I considered very soon after considering they ha been happy married for nearly 25 years ( about five months after she died). As a result I had to deal with my feelings all on my own and learnt that no one would be there for me no matter how much I cried and have always put a brave face on things. As I've grown up this attitude has never left me and I have applied it to everyone in life.I can come across really cold and withdrawn if you don't know me. I have trouble expressing my emotions and never cry (I was in a car crash with friends who spent the day crying when I laughed it off). I also have trust issues and problems with letting people get close to me. I tried putting on a happy face and trying to let my emotions show but I felt completely uncomfortable and false. I went to counselling and that helped a bit but I had trouble trusting my counsellor to tell her how I felt. I have friends who are very caring and there for me who I trust and can be myself around but I still can't tell them everything.I have had brief relationships but they ended because they either felt I didn't trust them or that I wouldn't open up. Guys also tend to avoid me as I 'send out the wrong signals'. How can I be more open with my emotions and be more trusting ? I don't think the problem lies in my mums death anymore but that this is 'learned behaviour for me and I just don't know how to chain. Please I know this is a big thing and there is no one stop solution but I just need some guidance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ilanah tromans +, writes (10 July 2011):
 im really sorry about the loss of your mum and no wonder you have trust issues, my best advice is to try talk to your friends about everything all your feelings, emotions and your past, maybe even write it down on paper and give it to them, i've found its better to let my feelings out, try to trust your friends but not too many people as some friends aint trusting, but find a friend you can really trust and just let out everything or write it down to yourself, good luck !
A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (10 July 2011):
 "I have friends who are very caring and there for me who I trust and can be myself around but I still can't tell them everything,"
I highlighted this part of your post because to me it showed there is hope for you. You keep a guard up because that is the way you have learnt to deal with things in your life. This is a good protective instinct which you have. The fact that you have friends you can trust means you are capable of trust. Don't be too hard on yourself though, remember these are friends, people you have got to know over time and that is the key. You trust when you get to know people which is absolutely right. Maybe you have to work on the getting-to-know-people bit. When you meet a guy make an effort to get to know him. Try not to judge too quickly, keep an open mind. Once you get to know a guy the trust will start to build little by little.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 I'm very sorry to hear about your Mom, sweetie. That is so very tough and it is quite admirable that you are reaching out for help. I'm also sorry about the strain you have felt with your Dad. I have witnessed many of my male family members begin to date very quickly after the death of their loved one and it always does feel too soon and a little like a slap in the face. So, I understand where you are coming from.
If I were you, I think I would try more counseling. I think it would be very, very beneficial in teaching you how to express your emotions and cope with what you've been through. You expressed that you felt like you couldn't always open up to the counselor and as if you couldn't trust them. Try to put that aside because helping young people, like yourself, is what a counselor is there to do and what a counselor wants to do. A counselor is someone you can freely talk to without judgment or dishonesty. It's their job and desire to help you and to teach you how to cope. I think it would be wise to seek that out some more and give it a good try.
Another thing that is important is to consider how your attitude and trust issues are affecting your life. Negatively, right? These issues are only stifling your growth and progress. They are hindering your relationships of all sorts. I doubt your mother would ever want to see you in such a position or in such pain. She would like to see you happy and healthy. Always remember that and how much she loved you. Let her wishes be your motivation to seek help and lead a more trustworthy, open life.
I wish you the absolute best of luck!!!!! :-)
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